No Contact is Hard

[LW4E]

At least for me it is, and it's not because I can't contain myself.

 

I always feel like I could go an eternity not talking to my ex, but things always happen that I simply can't prevent that involve me seeing and contacting her.

 

with the Summer now here, I've been trying extra hard to stay away from her and keeping busy... in fact, for the first time, I think ever in my life my entire week was planned out with things to do, things to get me out of the house. Keep in mind that the NC I was planning was to be started on Wednesday after the Grad party my ex and I would be going to together.

 

Monday - Ran errands and watched wrestling with my ex.

Tuesday - Grad Party.

Wednesday - Random outsing with friends.

Thursday - Went out of town to visit a friend, then when I got home I went out with two other friends (My ex got involved)

Friday - Had a friend come to twon to visit me... he wanted to say hi to my ex, the three of us ended up spending the day together.

 

So why has my NC been so darn hard? Well, her friends are my friends and vice versa... although her friends are sick and tired of the way she acts both toward me and toward them... they all have the mindset that if they treat her nicely and spend time with her that she'll respect it and start showing some more respect to us. I know for a fact that she doesn't work like that though, which is just one reason my my attempted NC.

 

So as you would imagine, most of the time, my friends try to get her out of the house and away fro mthe computer and telephone that she's so addicted to.

 

So today I thought it would be a good day to begin another attempt at NC... it was fine, I was watch wrestling this morning in my bedroom when my mom comes up to my room and tells me that my ex is at the door.... not at the door... but in the house, great. So I go down and she tells me that she thought she was supposed to be at driving school by 12:00 noon but it was actually at 1:00 PM so when she found out she decided to come visit me for a half hour before she had to leave again. When it was time for her to leave, she kept telling me she didn't want to leave and didn't want to go to driving school but I kinda shoo'd her out and walked her to the door. today was very unfortunante because I know that her house is so much closer to her driving school than my house is... in fact, her house is closer to everything than my house is, so I was actually quite ticked that she showed up at my house when she could've just went back to her house. Regardless, things did go good I guess, We watched wrestling together for a bit before she had to go. But still... I am a little bit bothered by this string of bad luck for me when trying to stay way from her.

 

I just had to vent, I knew I should've went birthday shopping today like I planned.

[SupaflyTNT]

Hey, if you want NC with your ex you need to be a little more firm with her. She can't just be showing up at your door and you need to tell her that in no uncertain terms. As far as your friends wanting to see her while they're out with you, that's BS and you should just tell them that you're not seeing each other right now. You're too easy on the whole NC thing, seems like you're not that serious about it.

[IMAbadman]

Just say NO. No contact.

[LW4E]

I agree with both of you, I do however think that telling my friends not to see her when I'm around is a little bit selfish of me, if I were to say no, I would feel like I was making them choose sides and that just doesn't sem right, but I do agree with both of you that I need to take it a bit more seriously.

[LW4E]

One more question:

 

Would this just be easier to tell her that I need to be away from her for a while? I want the opportunity to heal myself, but I am also curious to see the effects of NC for myself first-hand... I really want to see how long it takes her to get curious and start calling/E-Mailing etc.

 

I'm not sure, if I tell her that we shouldn't talk or see each other, will that prolong her trying to initiate contact? I think it might, I know my ex and she would definitely be worried or nervous about contacting me if I told her not to... even if she really wanted to.

 

I always thought the better route would be just to cut all means of communication without saying so, but on every attempt I made she would contact me either by msn, phone or in person at school after about a day or two. this made NC unbelievably hard and annoying and I always thought it was because she was under the impression that I still wanted to talk to her.

 

I'm not going to have the opportunity to see her until Tuesday... big group of friends going to a Canada Day festival and yes, we'll both be there. Would this work better if I told her, and told all of our friends (separately of course) that I think we should keep to ourselves for a while and simply not see each other and if so, how should I go about it?

 

I was thinking of the whole "you can't have your cake and eat it too" talk... I thought it would be the best way to go to tell her that there's a differance between being with me and not being with me.

 

What do you think? What's the best way to go about this? because I've been looking for a REALLY long time to go through with no contact FOR REAL...

[bramage]

Per EVERY instruction I have seen (and I believe with all my heart), you simply stop. You dont tell them, and this is just another sign of weakness. Just POOF- Disapear.. and then wait. Be prepared to go a minimum of 30 days or more. In the beginning, I was planning on a week or two, but after reading all the posts, all this does is put you back where you were, not where you want to be. It seems that 30 days, or until you really stop caring. That way, if/when you do talk, you will be strong. Trust me, if you are weak, and needy when the call comes, they will sense it like a shark smells blood, and then you are done for.

[Confusedashellmyself]

I sit here been reading for six months, its taken that long for it all to sink in finally what they were telling me, wow, I cant believe that I am that hard headed but look at me, I sit here reading these posts and slowly I start to implement them, such as NC the dreaded word, I find that Im pretty good at that stuff, with no worry at all , once I went NC I was no longer concerned, I know that sounds weird, but I didnt give a hoot after that, I felt in control of my own life then, been a few weeks, yeah ya get weak, suck it up, drink another beer whatevver, go out, dont sit home, , just dont contact them, no drunk dials, leave the cell phone at home, "you will never know the inpact you are having on an ex unless you let them feel what it is like to no longer have you", they are so right on this forum, , Im seeing it myself, when I thought all the nc fools were just that, no, they are right, stop, learn and listen to what they are saying. quit making the mistakes, get with the program, stop talking to them, I hate this part as they are soo right, : they will never miss you unless you go away" but they are so right on here by saying that

 

Per EVERY instruction I have seen (and I believe with all my heart), you simply stop. You dont tell them, and this is just another sign of weakness. Just POOF- Disapear.. and then wait. Be prepared to go a minimum of 30 days or more. In the beginning, I was planning on a week or two, but after reading all the posts, all this does is put you back where you were, not where you want to be. It seems that 30 days, or until you really stop caring. That way, if/when you do talk, you will be strong. Trust me, if you are weak, and needy when the call comes, they will sense it like a shark smells blood, and then you are done for.

[IMAbadman]

Personally I think when you enter into NO CONTACT you enter it with the mindset that you will NEVER speak with the person again. This is where you need to be in order to heal. A lot of people on here think NC is going to bring there EX back. It doesn’t work like that. IT’S ABOUT HEALING YOURSELF. You need to find your happy place again.

 

Now if, and that’s a big IF, your EX decides to contact you sometime down the road your in a better position to talk and make decisions. Your mind will be clear and you won’t be walked all over. You’ll be surprised once you’ve healed how you’ll feel when an EX contacts you.

[LW4E]

Per EVERY instruction I have seen (and I believe with all my heart), you simply stop. You dont tell them, and this is just another sign of weakness. Just POOF- Disapear.. and then wait. Be prepared to go a minimum of 30 days or more. In the beginning, I was planning on a week or two, but after reading all the posts, all this does is put you back where you were, not where you want to be. It seems that 30 days, or until you really stop caring. That way, if/when you do talk, you will be strong. Trust me, if you are weak, and needy when the call comes, they will sense it like a shark smells blood, and then you are done for.

 

the reason I asked whether or not to tell her, is because up until this point, I feel I've screwed up again and again. We've been going on frequent outings such as dinners, movies and shopping together. It's gotten to a point where she calls me every day to do something, thankfully, I'm only around half the time because since the break, I've spent much more time with my friends than I ever did before. Plus, how do I avoid her attempts to contact me, I don't have a cell phone, and whenever she calls my house, somebody picks up and gives it to me... even if I tell everybody not to. How about those days when she shows up at my front door, how do I keep to my NC without coming off as a complete A-Hole?

 

I sit here been reading for six months, its taken that long for it all to sink in finally what they were telling me, wow, I cant believe that I am that hard headed but look at me, I sit here reading these posts and slowly I start to implement them, such as NC the dreaded word, I find that Im pretty good at that stuff, with no worry at all , once I went NC I was no longer concerned, I know that sounds weird, but I didnt give a hoot after that, I felt in control of my own life then, been a few weeks, yeah ya get weak, suck it up, drink another beer whatevver, go out, dont sit home, , just dont contact them, no drunk dials, leave the cell phone at home, "you will never know the inpact you are having on an ex unless you let them feel what it is like to no longer have you", they are so right on this forum, , Im seeing it myself, when I thought all the nc fools were just that, no, they are right, stop, learn and listen to what they are saying. quit making the mistakes, get with the program, stop talking to them, I hate this part as they are soo right, : they will never miss you unless you go away" but they are so right on here by saying that

 

I always knew this, I just found it so hard to just "go away." Yeah, I'm a bit weak in that area.

 

Personally I think when you enter into NO CONTACT you enter it with the mindset that you will NEVER speak with the person again. This is where you need to be in order to heal. A lot of people on here think NC is going to bring there EX back. It doesn’t work like that. IT’S ABOUT HEALING YOURSELF. You need to find your happy place again.

 

Now if, and that’s a big IF, your EX decides to contact you sometime down the road your in a better position to talk and make decisions. Your mind will be clear and you won’t be walked all over. You’ll be surprised once you’ve healed how you’ll feel when an EX contacts you.

 

I know it's about healing myself, every attempt I've made at NC so far has been to heal myself, and that was always my first priority. I think sometimes I take that thought a bit too far because there is still a great deal of animosity between my ex and I. I always imagine myself being really successful in the furute, while she just becomes a nobody with nothing... simply because ever since she broke up with me, she has slowly pushed everybody else out... pretty soon she'll have nothing.

 

Although every one of my NC atempts so far have failed, I do feel like I'm in a much different place now than I was two months ago, or even last month. I think about her a lot less now, I'm out with friends far more often, and at a point, it even seemed like the tables had turned. She became the one begging and pleading, not to have me back, but to be able to prove to be a better friend to everybody... unfortuantly, after giving her that chance, she went and blew it.

 

 

 

So just disappearing without saying a thing is the best way to go? Even if telling her will put an immediate halt to the attempted contact early on in the process?

[IMAbadman]

Dude... you just stop contacting her. PERIOD. That's it your done. There's no rule book or guidelines to follow.

 

Get your mind straigt. Yes, it takes more than 2-3 weeks...