Too late?

[DJC]

Hey, just in advance to anyone who replies, thank you for taking the time out to read and give advice. Also just to clear things up, we were dating for 3 1/2 months.

 

Basically I am on here for the fairly obvious reason of a breakup.

It all started about a month and a half ago when I told her about some feelings I used to get, such as about a year and a half ago I was clinically depressed and contemplated suicide. But I got help and now I'm a happy, cheery youth again. I also used to get feelings of wanting to hurt people (about 8 years ago, when I was 10), but I haven't had these feelings for a long time and I NEVER acted upon them.

When I told her this stuff I had-had a bit to drink and it was 2-3 in the morning on the phone, so you can imagine how well I did at explaining all of this. Now she has had a bad experience with this before because her sisters bf committed suicide a bit over a year ago, so she got scared and told her parents what I had said, who in turn told my parents. This lead to me being sent to a psychiatrist, and to no surprise he cleared me as being a normal youth with nothing wrong.

That was the start of it. About a week later our final exams were going to start and so her parents and mine jointly decided that it would be best if we had no contact until after the exams had finished (roughly 3-4 weeks). Can I also add that we didn't break up, it was just like a break to get very important exams out of the way (especially as her dad is the colleges headmaster).

 

For a week we had no contact whatsoever, then we started having mild conversations from time to time in the second week and then by the third week we were talking normally again, a few times a day by all methods of communication. It was all going really well until I was asked to wait an extra week. I realise how pathetic I must sound in my reaction but basically I wrote her a letter saying that I don't want to wait another week, she has finished her exams and I only had 1 unimportant exam left. She messaged me back saying no as she wanted to wait till all of my exams were out of the way too (even though I said that it was ok) so I asked her to contact me the next day to talk about it. She never called. So that night in my anger and frustration I called her having a go at her, which is when I heard: "I'm not sure if it will work out". After that I was very worried, and agreed to wait the extra week.

 

Now the week had passed and I met up with her to talk, I knew things were wrong because she wasn't wearing the necklace I bought her a few months back (which she always wore). She explained to me that she didn't think relationships were meant to be this hard, and if it is this hard when we are around each other then how are we going to work when she goes to university? (it’s about 2-3 hours away).

She also said that she was fine with our relationship until I made that dreadful phone call and that changed her mind, because we had-had arguments before. Such as I got suspicious of another guy she was talking to, as he is a known womaniser, and told her about it. She saw this as a lack of trust and we argued. I made it up to her later. But she said that this argument was one of the reasons why we couldn't work.

I don’t know why I confronted her about this, I knew she would never do anything and I would trust her with my life.

But this is her first proper relationship, mine also, and so she doesn't see how little the problems we had were.

As we broke up we hugged and I said that I'll never forget her and she said it back to me. I walked away.

 

Now a few days later I told her best friend all of what had happened as she hadn't told anyone we had even broken up, she was bottling her emotions and I got worried. After I told her friend she confronted my ex about it and my ex said that I had been twisting the story and said "I know it was the right thing to do, especially now".

I sent her a letter a few days later after she had calmed down explaining that her best friend and I were only worried about her. I shortly received a message back saying "thank you, I know you were only worried and I accept your apology". We started low contact that night, but things were a little off obviously.

Now other things were also entering the mix like added pressure from my friends. One of my friends went behind my back and told her that she was making a stupid mistake and that it she will never meet another person better than me. This only fuelled the fires for both of us.

 

I believe that I was a very good bf to her; I was as loving and caring as I could be and have had a lot of girls telling me how silly she has been in letting me go, but I did have faults. We would often have sexual contacts when we met up (we never had sex, and she is still a virgin). She said that she is worried that it’s all I cared about, which it honestly wasn’t; I couldn't care less about those things if I tried. She did admit to take the blame partially as she also said that she conveyed to me the signals and always agreed with what we would do.

 

Now it was been almost 2 weeks since we broke up and I haven't spoken to her in a week. I am doing the NC and am healing myself in this time, which includes exercising every day, buying myself new clothes/items and I am also going out with mates almost every day and meeting new people. I am also reading "Bonds that make us free. Healing our relationships, coming to ourselves" by C. Terry Warner. If you do not have this book, buy it-it has some amazing insights.

The final thing I am doing is following Brian Caniglia's "How to get your ex back" system.

 

Sorry for the extremely long and gruelling read I have put you through, but my question is this: Is it too late?

 

She will be going to university in a little over 2 months, and we didn't leave on bad terms as such, but I was "pushing"; as Brian Caniglia may say.

 

She said as we were breaking up that her feelings for me haven’t changed but she thinks that she should listen to her head this time, not her heart, which said that we probably won’t last through university-as she said “most couples do not”.

 

Just a final point, I love her and she said she loved me too. I would be ecstatic if we could get back together, it would be the greatest thing I could hope for, but if we didn’t then I realise that my life would go on.

 

Thank you for reading.

[k.will.photo]

I know you are head over heels for this girl, but here is something you might think about.

 

(My Story): I dated a guy a while back who was clinically depressed and verbally abusive. He got insanely jealous and didn't want me to hang out with any guys besides him, and a lot of my friends are guys so you can imagine how that went over.

 

So I can understand where she's coming from too. I honestly think she's scared. I would be (I was). I know you may be fine now, but if you were actualy clinically depressed, meaning you were diagnosed with depression, then you have a chance of relapsing, and dealing with depression on top of a romantic relationship is hard work, let me tell you.

 

I'm not saying you're a horrible person or anything, all I'm saying is that she is probably scared.

 

Give her space. Let her come to you. Relationships always always ALWAYS end because of a basic conflict, not a trivial one (learned that in sociology class). People will give trivial excuses for a break up when there is a basic conflict going on that they either don't know is there or they don't know how to confront it so they leave.

 

She is probably scared of getting too close to you and then having you commit suicide or do something else depression related. It may be a fear that would never be confirmed, but it is a fear nonetheless, and people don't want to be in relationships where they are scared.

 

Again, give her space and time. If she decides you're worth it, she will come back to you. But if you contact her too much, she might feel like you are being pushy and it will just push her away.

 

 

 

P.S. Long distance relationships can work. I have lived 2 hours away from my boyfriend and it actually made us closer than ever, but both people have to trust and both people have to work. But it is possible.

[DJC]

Its funny you should say that as that has reminded me of another thing she said, which is that she was scared of getting too close incase I did do something stupid, as her sister was destroyed by it-especially as she was blamed for the suicide as her breaking up with him was the last straw.

 

I probably shouldn't have used the work 'clinically'. I wasn't diagnosed with depression, and I won't get into details, but basically everything bad you can imagine happening in your life at 16-17 (i.e. deaths, kicked out school, fired from job, no friends, bullying) happened to me in the space of a month.

 

Thank you for the advice too, I am giving her space and time, but could you help me with this question too?

 

She goes to university in 2 months, and I have been doing the NC for a week so far-and its been good. I was planning to give her a month or month and half, because I'm worried that if I wait till after she goes to university then she may forget about me and move on. The thing is she is an extremely shy person, as am I. It too us both over a year of admiring each other to talk to each other and I am worried that she won't call due to her closed-shy nature.

 

Should I call her in a month+ or should I just wait and see if she contacts me?