Another breakup, failed NC

[gummy]

My ex-gf broke with me about 4 months ago but mentally she checked out much before that. We had been suffering for a while and she had planned to break-up with me before it actually happened. In fact, the only thing that prevented her from breaking with me was her desire for a friendship. At the time, I never really understood the reasons for the break-up and it is hard to single out any particular reason. We had been strong for the first half of a 2 year relationship which is due to our love of simply talking to each other. I believe I was her first love and she was mine.

 

Things went sour pretty much the last 6 months of the relationship. The concise version supplied by the ex is "our interests diverged" though this could be greatly expanded. It did not help that I didn't treat her that well and ignored her often ](*,). Of course, in retrospect it is very easy to connect the dots and see where I went wrong but sitting here now, even 4 months after the breakup, I feel awful. I don't always feel like this but this time it is hitting me harder than ever.

 

It has not helped that since the breakup I have dug myself even deeper into a hole. Soon after the breakup I was unaffected and thought I had moved on which I believe hurt her. Then, I made more stupid mistakes while in contact with her. It certainly didn't help that I got angry at her one of the times I contacted her. The problem is, we can't talk like we used to. To be honest, I would not want to be in a relationship with her now because it would be beyond awkward. Plus, I think dating other people would probably be healthy for her (and myself). There is so much more to say about me and her as well as the situation post-breakup (i.e.: ugly).

 

But, what I have trouble coming to grips with is the statement that "we will never be together again", something I have heard more than once from her, reading on these boards, friends, etc. Obviously, the truth of the statement is dubious, though statistically probable. In the mean time, I have tried and failed with NC several times and have decided to begin it again, hopefully with more resolve.

 

I guess, my questions are two-fold: Does the fact that she is adamant about never seeing me as more than a friend affect any long term friendship/reconciliation?

 

Also, suppose, for a second, that a woman breaks up with a guy for reasons similar to my own. What is the time frame needed of NC (or LC) to erase or diminish the old picture of yourself in your ex's mind? In other words, how much time of NC is needed in order for your ex to consider new aspects of yourself?

 

I plan on changing, not so much for her but for myself. There are a number of aspects of myself which my ex did not like that need changing regardless of any future with her. But I would like to know if, given the circumstances, my ex could ever see me as a somewhat changed, more mature person and be attracted to me again (and forget the past 4 months of desperation) or even get over the awkwardness of our past and be friends.

 

Thanks in advance.

[amya]

sorry, what does nc mean?

[memorypill]

sorry, what does nc mean?

 

nc= No contact

lc= Light or little contact

 

As for the origional post im really sorry to hear about that. Break ups are hardly ever if ever easy no matter how long it takes you to come to grips with it (im working through my own right now) but i guess the advice i would have to give you is this. For now its not really something you can give yourself a date for you just need to work on yourself first and figure out what you need to do to not only help heal yourself but better yourself in the end. After that work on your friendship with her before you think about restarting that love life. You need to remind her why she fell for you in the first place and show her that you have worked on yourself and hope that she has done the same. A relationship is about forgiving and growing with someone and i guess sometimes you need to grow and mature yourself before you can give a loved one the love they need.

 

Hope that helps good luck!

 

By the way welcome to ENA youve come to the right place to get some help.

[gummy]

Thanks for the welcome. I've exhausted my supply of shoulders to cry on (including my ex's).

[memorypill]

Thanks for the welcome. I've exhausted my supply of shoulders to cry on (including my ex's).

 

You know i think thats normal dont feel bad about it ive done the same thing. You gotta stop going to your ex with your problems though especailly if she is the one causing it. She wont want to hear it as im sure you figured out. Just try to look positive kinda let her see that your fine even if your still depressed on the inside.

[deang]

don't worry about the "we will never be together again". That's how she feels now but I've had women change their minds. Women who I pestered and did everything wrong in being clingy, needy and weak have called again. I have my doubts about my last one as it was a slightly different situation but almost all have come sniffing around at one time or another and some even expressed desire to rekindle the relationship and I haven't wanted to. Learn from your mistakes and unless you want to keep the depression diet going you'll learn to not talk to them. I just broke NC yesterday morning and have been a wreck since. It's not worth it until you are certain you can handle almost anything she'll say to you. I thought I was ok but wasn't prepared for her being hostile when I hadn't done anything. That sent me spiraling downward...live and learn my friend. Talk to people on here...lots of shoulders to cry on and lots of supportive people. The main thing I think is to focus on yourself and being happy and confident before you can even begin to worry about her. I hope I can take my own advice and just spend the next few months getting myself together and be who I know I can be.

[Godwin]

Re changing her mind/opinion

 

My ex from 5 weeks ago says that she still loves and cares for me too much for me to wait on her while she sorts her head out.

 

I know she harbours lots of resentment about me not supporting her and at this time her decision is final. From day one though has always given Summer as a timeframe for resuming our friendship and although I am 95% sure its over I still have some hope that we will get back together in September time.

 

Given we have not argued since we split and she says that she knows I have changed it hopefully only a matter of time before she realises I was actually a decent guy

 

Who knows though?