very curious..

[mrromantic]

what are some of the different opinions about what one would do to reconcile? i know there's no one size fits all, im actually just really curious. i know im not over my break up, but im not sad or desperate anymore. my ex has peppered me with some light contacts, but i didnt think anything of them. anybody have any suggestions or ideas?

[Nearwater]

If you explain a bit more about what is happening you will get some very helpful responses I think. Allot of us here are "dumpees" waiting for those light contacts to come, no matter how we choose to act on them.

[enkymion]

Yeah, I agree. Spill it.

[mrromantic]

Here's the short version of it. To eliminate extended reading! LOL

 

 

Broke up with my ex in April...She tried initiating contact for a while, didn't really respond too much...Everytime we would talk in person it would usually lead to arguing or anger...Stopped contact for a while, found that she was "seeing" someone...I started initiating the contact, she usually replied but never initiated...Then I went NC for about 3 weeks until she texts me, I didn't reply until 3 days later..she didn't respond to my text, but the day after I sent one of those "bf application" emails to her..Then the next day she sent me another "hello" type text about 3 days later, in which I responded to....Then she said "we need to catch up"...I then said "sounds fun" or something like that...Then she sends back, "ok, i'll hit u up one day ttyl"...I responded "sounds like a plan"...that's where I'm at now..

[Stella Sleepwalks]

Sounds like you have kicked the ball into her court. Don't be too pushy, be patient and wait for the call.....

[mrromantic]

Yeah, I agree. I actually think that I was subconsciously trying to do that too...kind of weird right? You think kicking the ball over to her is a good thing or a bad thing??

 

PS: thank you guys for the responses so far. It really does mean a bunch.

[IMAbadman]

Yeah, I agree. I actually think that I was subconsciously trying to do that too...kind of weird right? You think kicking the ball over to her is a good thing or a bad thing??

 

PS: thank you guys for the responses so far. It really does mean a bunch.

 

 

 

If your trying to get back together that's where it starts. You need some type of limited contact. Play it cool though, don't push, or rush the situation. Give it time to grow and maybe even flower.

 

Hope it all comes together for you. Good luck!

[mrromantic]

Thanks IMA!

I figured that had to be some kind of contact for rekindling, but I just don't think I should be initiating any of it. Or do you think I maybe should sometimes? I don't have much of an issue with not contacting her anymore, but would it be better if I threw her a bone every once in awhile??? Let me know girls/guys!

[IMAbadman]

I personally think that once you get into limited contact with one another... well each party must initiate. Have fun, keep it lite, make her laugh.

 

Obviously you want her to be the initiator more often. But play it by ear. Don’t ignore her, return her messages but vary the time in between possibly hours or days. It’s an attraction… a game in itself. A lot of people chock because they rush it and get desperate because it’s not moving as fast for them. A break-up really kills trust for each party. You’ve got to gain that trust back and rebuild those feelings of love and acceptance.

 

Reconciliation is, in my opinion, 5X harder than a new, budding relationship. I also think there’s only a 1 in 10 chance of success too… but it’s a gamble I’ll take.

[mrromantic]

IMA, you brought up some really good points. I guess my question now is how do you know when you've moved from NC to LC? I'd hardly call a few attempts on her part true LC, but maybe I'm wrong..any thoughts?

[Stella Sleepwalks]

I think you shouldn't expect her to try too hard to get into LC with you. There has to be a bit of an effort on your part or else she will retreat back into NC.

 

Put yourself in her shoes..... If you contacted her a few times and she said, "I would hardly call a few attempts on his part true LC...." Its nerve wracking when you initiate contact with someone - cut her some slack.

 

Take the olive branch, and recognise that she was brave enough to make the first move. I'm not telling you to get your hopes up, but the only thing that sours a reconcilliation is the nitty-gritty, not the build up to saying how you feel. When both parties can't let go of the past and make a fresh start - this is your only obstacle.

[IMAbadman]

IMA, you brought up some really good points. I guess my question now is how do you know when you've moved from NC to LC? I'd hardly call a few attempts on her part true LC, but maybe I'm wrong..any thoughts?

 

 

Quite simple actually... NO CONTACT means you have NO CONTACT, nothing, nada, zero, no attempts and no responses.

 

LIMITED CONTACT is where you draw your EX back in. You reciprocate contact with them. Ideally they do the majority of the contacting, the initiation. But on the same token there has to be a balance. Keep it light and fun. Build the attraction.

[mrromantic]

Wow, those were really good posts.

 

Stella, I feel like I've made some effort to be in touch and to contact her, and I do reply to her messages I just don't respond right away, or if I do I try to be short. I guess what I mean to say is that at this stage I'd feel more comfortable making more efforts if she did the same thing. I haven't been rude or pushy lately, really just trying to allow her to think for herself. Do you think there's anything else I can do? If so, I'd love to hear it.

 

IMA, thanks for the response and clarification. I agree with allowing her to initiate contact mostly, however I don't feel obligated to start initiating again because she only initiated twice. I don't feel as though she's tried hard enough...not to be cold hearted but why should I be so willing to see about her after all this and two initiated contact attempts? Any thoughts?

[enkymion]

You're approaching game territory...

[mrromantic]

ENK, what do you mean by that? That's exactly what I'm trying to stay away from.

[mrromantic]

About a week of reinstated NC. No word or anything. Shall I keep being patient?

[deang]

keep being patient...a week for us is a long time...a week for someone who is not obsessed about getting their ex back isn't very long at all.

[mrromantic]

You know deang??

 

I almost laughed at how simple that question was when you answered it....I'm actually starting to notice a change in my behavior, and am actively NOT pursuing if that makes sense. Do you have any experiences with this? I want to work things out, but at THIS particular moment I don't feel like initiating effort(subject to change), do you think that's me moving on or indifference? Would be cool to get some opinions...

[deang]

been a dumpee plenty of times but had a lot come back but the quickest was like 6mo....NC then one day she wants to be with me forever...too bad she was a bit too late ...last year dated a woman for 6mo and I broke up with her and for the first month she'd email every few days and I just could care less but once she stopped I did at least reminisce and check out her myspace page a couple of months later...she looked happy with her new bf and I didn't want to disrupt her life but if she would've bugged me I'd probably have blocked her. As for me knowing a week isn't a long time, I've burnt out plenty of women by contacting them every week or so for a couple of months. Strangely, they all came back, some years later and all after I had moved on. One 8 years ago just contacted me last fall and proclaimed she should've never left me. I would've killed to hear that...8 yrs ago but was midly interested this time around. If you pressure them, all it does is set your healing back and take more time for them to relax about you. She knows how to contact you...you need to keep living...I have never had anything work for me other than moving on and doing NC. I've had 4 come back wanting to try again 8yrs, 8yrs, 2yrs, 6mo. I probably harassed them all too much and by the time they were ready I had changed and my interest in them wasn't anywhere near what it used to be.

[deang]

oh and I think it's part of you moving on but then indifference is part of moving on I think...you get to the point where you would like to talk to them but don't need to. I definitely think that's progress...I have no desire to contact my ex right now but that's probably because I know she'd demolish me in about 2 sentences lol. As time goes on I get stronger and her negative emotions towards me get weaker...sounds good to me...I just need to keep reminding myself that.

[mrromantic]

Man brilliant posts! I actually really appreciate what you say not only because of your experiencem but the way you relayed it to me on a way I can understand. I get the impression that once you move on and stop thinking about it that's when they come back, and that it's a common occurrence. In the grand scheme of things we've only been broken up since April, so maybe that isn't really enough time to do anything. And oh yeah, don't worry my ex could demolish me in 2 sentences too lol. I'm so glad that we haven't run into each other. I think it would be funny to have her come back and I genuinely didn't care. I don't know how possible either of those things are, but it's a fun thought. You've helped me through a really difficult time today...and I want to say thank you deang. And to everyone else as well, whether you wrote something or you just said it to yourself I think I still felt the energy. Any more thoughts guys?