Staying friends with ex's friends? Good or Bad?

[teema]

I was just thinking about the issue of staying in contact with my ex's friends and I'm kind of torn between what I think about it; if it's a good idea or a bad idea.

 

I met his friends while I was friends with my ex, before we hooked up, so I kind of feel like they're my friends too. Well, actually, just one person. His best friend and I get along really well and we've been keeping in touch. None of our conversations have anything to do with my ex, so I don't see the harm is staying friends even if I'm NC with my ex.

 

But, I was over-analyzing the situation like I always do and I started to think that maybe his friends are thinking, "What is she doing? She is only keeping in touch with us because of him." But, it's so not like that. I just don't want people to be assuming things about me, like I'm not over him and I'm trying to hold on to him through his friends. And, that's not what I'm doing. I met great people while living in another country and I don't want my time there to go to waste because of one stupid man.

 

So, question: Is keeping in touch with ex's friends a good idea or a bad idea?

 

In my personal situation, I keep in touch via email and help friend practice English while I practice Spanish. I'll also be staying with him and his girlfriend while I'm on vacation in their country in a couple of months.

[fivespot]

I could see a couple of problems popping up, but overall, I think there's no reason to break those friendships.

 

Just make sure they aren't going to spy on you for him...you know, make sure they aren't "double agents." At least in my situation, I felt my life wasn't any of ex's business anymore since she dumped me. And I made sure all our mutual friends understood that and agreed not to talk to the ex about me (and they wouldn't talk about her to me).

 

Also, don't stay friends to try to get closer to him or thinking by staying friends with them, you'll make the ex jealous or whatever.

 

Honest and genuine friendship right from the start should be your motivation. If you don't have any interest in staying friends, or you feel there's no benefit to staying friends, then don't do it.

 

If, however, these mutual friends added happiness to your life and you genuinely want to be friends, then by all means, do it!

[teema]

So true. I don't want him to know anything about my life and right now I don't care to know anything about his life. I haven't told our friend that I don't want him telling the ex what's going on in my life and I don't really see the best way to say it. He has already informed my ex that I was coming to visit and will be staying with him for a couple of days.

 

I enjoy his friendship. I just don't want it to be a problem between them since they're best friends. And, no, I won't be trying to get any information from them about my ex. My ex enjoys informing me about what's going on in his so that won't be a problem, but frankly I don't care. I don't know why he does it.

 

Why the hell do men think that they can break up with someone and expect that they can be automatic friends? I consider us friends, but not a good friend, and he doesn't need to know anything about my life. Grrrr...sorry, venting.

 

I do genuinely want to be friends and it has nothing to do with my ex. I just hope that they know that and my ex knows that and doesn't assume something different.

[arcadefire]

I see no problem keeping mutual friendships. I still have a lot from my ex and I just don't talk about my ex around them and neither do they. Who cares what your ex thinks... it's for you not him!

[fivespot]

Why the hell do men think that they can break up with someone and expect that they can be automatic friends?

 

Why do women think that they can break up with someone and expect that they can be automatic friends? The truth is, it depends on the circumstances. Maybe it's a guilt thing on the part of the dumper...they won't feel as bad if they stay friends with you.

 

Or maybe it's because they want to keep you as a backup plan.

 

Who knows. It's definitely easier for a dumper, though, because I'm sure they've been mentally prepared for the split for some time. It's a bigger punch in the face for the dumpee, especially if it was out of the blue.

 

In that case, the dumpee needs time to get over the breakup, during which time, friendship is impossible (and even after the dumpee is "healed," true friendship with the ex often times is unlikely.)

[lovemediator]

I see no problem keeping mutual friendships. I still have a lot from my ex and I just don't talk about my ex around them and neither do they. Who cares what your ex thinks... it's for you not him!

 

Yes I definitely agree. Letting go of someone doesn't mean breaking up with your mutual friends when they had nothing to do with your breakup. True friends are had to come by these days and if you think your ex's friend is worth keeping, then do. Don't mind what others think coz they don't feed you.