Why won't my mind stop!

[nmarchildon]

ok... some of you may be tired of me rambling on... but it feels good.

 

man im not doing good. i just feel so lost in this relationship stuff. i can't stop crying even if i really have no reason to. what i need to learn is how to realize that my partner loves me and thinks good things of me. i know that i feel like that for him but i feel like i am nothing to him and that he could go on perfectly without me. it kills me because i would freak so bad... and i don't know how i would handle it. or why i am even thinking of this? take it one step at a time. well its like i know what i would reply to me if i were someone else but.... i cant calm myself.

 

the crazy thing is he tells me he loves me and i know that he does, and sometimes he'll say things like "all my customers want to meet you because when i talk about you, everything about you is great and reaches out to them." so why can't i stop crying. Whats wrong with me. do i love him to much! i wish i could read his mind and just know how important i really am to him. and its not that i dont believe him when he does say it, but its like i need to be reasured all the time. how do i stabalize this?

 

love is so beautiful yet so complex

 

can anyone relate?

[lil_mamarains13]

I remember being in a relationship somewhat like that. I would cry all the time because I didn't think he loved me. Really and truly though is your relationship with this guy all that great. If so you wouldn't be so sad all the time. I think you have a hidden story, but of course that is my own personal opinion.

[nmarchildon]

i ask myself that to. i tell myself it can't be a good relationship if i am sad and confused 20 % of the time. you see, i am looking for something perfect i think, and i just don't think its possible when you put two people together. you see we love each other to the max... but its always up and down like a rollercoaster. Is this normal in a relationship?

 

I think too, that i am a really sensitive person and that he can only take so much of my insecurity in the relationship. the way i see it.... what if he is thinking ... oh god i love this girl. and then i ask him whats wrong, did i do something wrong.

 

Its like if we hang out to much then we start to get on each others nerves (in my perfect relationship this doesnt happen) so i get upset because i think he doesnt want to be around me.... and so on....

 

And to think he was the one to make the first moves.

[lil_mamarains13]

I still think there is more to your story. You seem very troubled, and you may not realize exactly what it is, but there is something. Do you two argue all the time? Does he abuse you in anyway? I am a very emotional person, but when I was in a relationship except the first one I was happy, and trusted the guy, and knew he loved me. The first one I loved him was scared he didn't love me and I was sad. He was emotionally abusive and all this other stuff that became a major mess. What is it that is really troubling you?

[nmarchildon]

Well maybe its just that..., this is my first relationship and i dont know what i am doing. we have been together for seven months. he does not abuse me emotionaly (well actually what does that really mean?), or swear at me, or make me feel dumb or hit me and we hardly argue. i have realized though, that he comes first for him and when i look at it he comes first for me. so the energy is not right, but i mean.... he does love me and we spend so many special moments together. i think i just want to be the number one in his life.

 

i dont really know.

[lil_mamarains13]

This is some stuff on emotional abuse. I thought I would send it to you in case it applies, and even if it doesn't it's good reference especially if you don't know what it is. I just don't understand why you are not happy. If you are so unhappy in your relationship get out of it. A relationship is supposed to be a good and happy thing, not a sad thing. Even the first one should be good and happy. If you need anything else or if you want to talk let me know.

 

 

What is your relationship like?

 

Do you feel that something is wrong with your relationship, but you don't know how to describe it?

Do you feel that your partner controls your life?

Do you feel that your partner does not value your thoughts or feelings?

Will your partner do anything to win an argument, such as put you down, threaten or intimidate you?

Does your partner get angry and jealous if you talk to someone else? Are you accused of having affairs?

Do you feel that you cannot do anything right in your partner's eyes?

Do you get mixed messages, such as the reason you are abused is because he loves you?

Are you told that no one else would want you, or that you are lucky your partner takes care of you?

Do you have to account for every moment of your time?

When you try to talk to your partner about problems, are you called names such as bitch or nag?

Are you prevented from going to work or school, or from learning English?

Does your partner threaten to withdraw your sponsorship or send you back to your country of origin?

If you wish to spend money, does your partner make you account for every penny,

or say you don't deserve anything?

After an argument, does your partner insist that you have sex as a way to make up?

Does he use the children against you in arguments? Does your partner threaten that you will never see the children again if you leave?

Does your partner blame you for everything that goes wrong?

How are you affected?

 

Are you unable or afraid to make decisions for yourself?

Do you do anything you can to please your partner or not upset him?

Do you make excuses for your partner's behaviour?

Are you forgetful, confused or unable to concentrate?

Have you noticed changes in your eating, sleeping, alcohol or drug use?

Have you lost interest or energy to do the things you used to?

Do you feel sick, anxious, tired or depressed a lot of the time?

Have you lost contact with your friends, family or neighbours?

Have you lost self-confidence and feel afraid that you could not make it alone?

[nmarchildon]

man... thanks so much for that info.

 

actually the biggest one is that i feel like i cant do anything right for him, like he will tell me to turn on the sterio... i doesnt work... i feel incompetenant and then i apologize. sometimes he will get sortof annoyed and other times he will just say hey... its no problem baby. like i really do try to please him in everyway. He is a good boyfriend. (am i trying to convince myself)

 

there are a few other little things but they can be accounted for. i think thats the big one. i dont really know if he is the one that makes me feel like i cant do anything right, because he does say thank you and appreciates everything i do.... but i think i am realizing right now that if he said no to the next massage it would upset me. like i like doing everything for him. I offer most of the time. he does make me feel kinda small sometimes.

[lil_mamarains13]

If that is the case you need to watch yourself. It starts off with little things, and then winds up out of control before you know it and then you find yourself in a real bad situation. Well I must get off of here so I will have to reply another day. Good Luck. Happy Holidays.

[heffie]

Doesn't sound all that unusal. I haven't read your previous posts, but it seems like you may have a bit of a self-esteem problem. Not a big deal, everyone does to an extent, but it could actually be depression.

 

Is there anything he does to tell you that he's not happy? If not, I'd not worry about it, but tell him that you're worried that you're not doing enough for him, see what he says.

 

I would also look into professional counseling, if not for both of you, at least for yourself. I've been there, and it took quite awhile to get out of it. Maybe a face to face with a counselor can help you, or at least diagnose that you have a problem that's outside your control.

 

If it's just a matter of time together, and you both work, he might not even realize there's a problem. Guys are different in that way. Not that family time or time with a girlfriend is any less important, but I know in my case, spending less time with my girlfriend doesn't matter that much, as long as the time we have is quality time, and we enjoy it.

 

Try looking for some personal counseling, if it's that bad.........there may be something going on that you need help with, that talking can't fix. No shame in doing that, there's quite a few of us out there that need the help.

[heffie]

If that is the case you need to watch yourself. It starts off with little things, and then winds up out of control before you know it and then you find yourself in a real bad situation. Well I must get off of here so I will have to reply another day. Good Luck. Happy Holidays.

 

That sounds a bit like a load of crap............you're placing the blame back on her. There may not be anyone to blame. Watching herself do what? Everything right, but feel that it's not good enough???? That's silly.

 

I agree, that if he's telling her flat out that she's not good enough, or making any kind of comment that alludes to that, then there's a problem. I don't see that here, though. First time real relationship, unsure of what to do, as all of us are, or were, and feeling that she's not doing a good enough job isn't unusual. Many of us have been through it.

 

For example, I was out of work for over a year. For part of it, I had a medical reason, I couldn't work. Then, the economy was so bad that I couldn't find a job to save my life. Not even the gas stations were hiring. As a guy, that was tough, and as a guy who's 34 and raised to believe the man supports the woman, it was even tougher. Did I feel inadequate, that I wasn't doing enough? Of course..........but I also had to realize there wasn't alot I could do about it. Regardless, I was very depressed, and had to get help to cope with it. Not that I wanted to, but I had to. In the end, it worked out just fine, and we're quite happy together. Still day to day struggles, but those are common. Given today's society of broken marriages, single parents, and an overall non-caring society, I can totally understand the feeling of inadequacy, that I'm just not doing enough for the one I love, even though what I can do is more than enough.

 

On the other hand, I got to cook, which I love, and clean, and do things for my girlfriend that she truly appreciated. May not have seemed like much to me, but it mattered to the person who counted.

[pilotguide]

hey, its me pilotguide again. I agree with heffie that it might have something to do with a self esteem problem. As you know, im have the same problem as you are, and its gotten abit worse for me. It used to be "am i doing enough for her? maybe she doesnt think of me as highly as before" but now its getting to "maybe now that she doesnt think so highly of me, she might turn to another guy, or maybe shes out flirting with other guys when shes out with friends" and it really bothers me. This morning i woke up thinking about awful scenarios about what would happen if it were true..... Most of my life i wasnt a really confident person, and even know im just so-so, and i think this may be a contributing factor to my paranoia, or at least why i have these thoughts. anyways, that doesnt really help your problem i know. Im just saying that i have the same problem you have and we could help each other out.

 

First off, i can say that i feel about 99.8% the way you feel, i always view my g/f as my first priority, and in my opinion i think i do alot for her (even if she may or may not know it). What contributes to me having these thoughts is that i dont think she views me in the same way. I would always go out of my way to please her, and try my best to make her happy, but when its her turn i feel like shes thinking "oh well, i gave it a shot, if hes not happy, then too bad" and i just dont feel the same special devotion from her as i give her.

[lil_mamarains13]

I was not placing the blame on her or anyone else. I was simply trying to open her eyes up to watch herself so she doesn't fall in the deep whole of depression and can't get out. I know how that feels and I have been there to many times. So heffie you can get off my back. I don't down what you say, and have not seen anyone down what anyone else says like the way you did. Other people just say I disagree.