nmarchildon

this is my situation this morning. I have been with my boyfriend for the past 8 months and we have a lot of love and respect for each other. yeasterday we talked for a while during lunch. we are planning a trip together and are leaving for a year on the 10 th of feb for asia and australia. we talked about how he has been hurt in the past, and how he is not ready to commit himself fully to me. he loves me 100% but he does not want to lose his freedom and get hurt by giving himself completley to me. i love him to death and come from a different background so... all i want to do is become one with this man and love him forever. He is not ready at all for that. to me though its like there is no middle. its either its all the way, or we just become friends. i dont want to get hurt in the end. and i love him so much that if he needs to live certain things, especially in this trip well then live them. i want him to grow and learn. i dont want me to block him. its like he has built a wall against me and my love just to not get hurt again. he is such a patient, and trustful person though. its just hard for me to keep on going at his level of things when i want more. i dont exactly know what to do. we are going to talk some more.... should i just tell him that we should be friends... its not what we want .... but in a way we can,t give each other what we want. do i let time settle the score. its so hard not to be with this person. to me it just sounds crazy that two people can love each other but not want the same things out of love. i really dont know what to do. i need strenght, to be stronger and to get through this. i want to support him. but there is me in all of this two. its like i would just give up anything to start a life with this one person. and he wants his freedom to be able to do what he wants. (and i dont mean with other girls.) he will be faithful to me. i mean, if he wants to go somewhere for a month... he will go, but me i will miss out to be with him. its just not fair. im only 20 but i just want to be with him. thats what i want from life right now. but its not mutal in the same way. he wants to be with me. but he doesnt see us as one, like i do and want him to. please help nat

ok... i dont think im in the right topic place but whatever... I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and i think that i have figured it out. You see i love my boyfriend, and he has become my priority, maybe because he is my first boyfriend... i dont know. He on the other hand loves me as well, but i think he loves me less than i love him. He just cares less yunno? like if we go are own ways, well im thinking of him and well im usually the one to call and say lets do something because i miss him. it used to be that i would give him everything, because its great to give to the person that you love with all your heart right? but now i feel used because i like giving him all i got but i dont get much back. i dont mean $. its more like favors... and massages and whatever. all the time i just wish he would hold my hand ... or i dont know, surprise me at work like i do to him. But it is not like that. he will do little things for me to, and we hardley fight but it just seems that the relationship has turned. like he is bored of me but i still love him so. i know that he loves me to ... but what do you do in the case where to people dont love each other equally. i dont know, he doesn't seem to need me, but i need him. its killing me because all i want to do is put energy into it, but that just drains me cus im not getting any back. and when i do put energy into it i just wish it would make him love me more. oh good... so now im crying. im just so tired of feeling this way. Im trying to change myself because you cant change people but... man. its like i know that im going to get so hurt, actually i am hurting. i dont know what to do. its gotten to the point where i dont want to sleep with him because he gives me attention right before and then after he gets what he wants its just over. but i cant say no to him. i cant let him be the first one to call, or say no to sex or anything he asks for the matter. im just not strong enough. and i miss him and love him so.... man... i cant concentrate on work either. its killing me. we are leaving together soon to travel for a year. if we break up, i will just move on, but its like i cant do it, because he does love me. its just that i need him more than he can give himself to me. and i keep on thinking that people might change... or i dont know. i want that anyways. i want his eyes to sparkle when he sees me. he has problems with his feelings though. i want him to just let go and give himself completely to me. but he has been hurt in the past this way... and that is where i am going. the only thing concerning my trip is that if he feels alienated in asia he will stick to me like glue and treat me the way i would love him to treat me on a regular basis. but he will only be doing it for himself, to feel more secure, and then when he does... i will become second best again. does anyone know what i am feeling. how to deal... what to do. im desperate. nat

Hello people! I have been with my boyfriend for the past 8 months and i truly love him. The other day, we had a little talk, because things have sort of not been going perfectly, and i really had the attitude that if we broke up it was meant to be and that we were young 20 and he's 24, anyways we had a good talk but only touched the surface of many things. we then spent the weekend together and he treated me really good, gave me lots of attention and we had sex a lot (although we usually do, cus i have a high sex drive and well... he doesn't complain he even told me he loved me, something that he seems to forget to do but that i love to hear because it reasures me. and everything he was doing this weekend you could tell that he really meant it, i could see that i was important to him in his eyes. I dont even think he thought much was wrong and that i had these feelings. I think is sort of worried him. Now im just scared that things will go back to the way they were because i pretty much spent the weekend with him like i usually do and never really acted differently. how do i make sure that his comfort zone is not to big so that he doesn't start taking me for granted again? I really want it to work out between us... but he has a tendency to think of himself a lot. The thing is, im a needy person and i love being with him, so i hang out with him pretty much everyday and stay at his house 3 to 4 days a week. how do i keep my independence. i want to but i find it so hard to just say Im doing this.... because i might give up the chance of being with him. well anyways... we are also leaving together for a year to travel in asia and australia. so i want to leave in a stable frame of mind and i want us to have room to grow. i just don,t know how to control my feelings for him...

Ok... this one is for guys although girls are welcome to answer as well My question is: i have been with my boyfriend for 8 months and everything was so loveydovey at first. now things are way less romantic and well my boyfriend hasn't been the first to say i love you in weeks. i think he is really secure in the relationship, so i was wondering if this is a common thing. like do guys suddenly think i dont have to say things like that because you should now that i love you and i shouldnt have to say it. This morning i was scratching his back and he said, i love it when you touch me baby, to which i said, i like it when you say i love you, and he replied, you mean you love it! jokingly. But he never said it. its just that i have been feeling unappreciated and well i love him so much that i am often the one asking him to hang out and well maybe i should just back of and let him realize that i am not going to take this forever. I might add that he was particularly nice driving me in to work this morning. it just seems to me like he hates putting and effort into most things.... even our relationship. but then, i dont know what is enough or not. i just feel like i have become a regular girlfriend and not the girl he use to call a million times a day, and couldnt wait to see. so guys, do you think he is falling out of love with me or that he just doenst feel like he needs to tell me every day? please replie im a little shook up and confused! thanks

ive been writting on and off about my problems in hopes of feeling better and improving my relationship with my boyfriend. i spent this weekend at his place but i tried something different, you see we spend a lot of time together and its to the point where i want all his time. this i know is wrong. i get jealous when he plays with his dogs so you can imagine when he says that chick is so cool.... so i figure i need to change because i feel miserable and cry alot. my boyfriend is the kind of guy who really thinks of himself though, and i know he loves me (although he could say it more, even if he did it probably wouldn't be enough for me) i think that if he were to give me all the attention in the world he would be drained like i am for doing so. so i took a step back and did a lot of thinking and convincing myself that he was not an object that belongs to me.... ect ect. and i felt so much better. its like i get carried away in my thoughts and start to wonder about the futur and how we are going to break up! man, how can you enjoy the relationship you are in if you think that way right? well anyways... if anyone has advice on confidance, because i think i need to work on my confidance and self esteem or if anyone knows of any cool sites i could check out that would be great. basically i don,t want to be a ball and chain. we have be together for 8 months and he has been really good to me. im a really good person and i love to improve myself. i can change me! well anyways, i guess i was always easy breezy before, like life was so amazing and just great.... but then i fell in love and it seemed to have all changed. i got really insecure with myself, thinking i was never good enough for my boyfriend, ect ect.... well anyways, i know that i am because he always thought i a super cool girl and he was the one interested in me and.... man, why would he have to tell me every 5 mins that he loves me and that i am good. please help if you can. even a similar case would but a smile on my face! thanks ,nat

i should probably add that my confidence and self esteem has gone down quite a bit since we have been together because of this situation too. as in... me always trying to make him happy and love me more = neglecting myself and starting to feel bad and just wanting him to boost me with complements all the time. i have to feel good about myself, no one else can do this! I think if i master to become myself again, our relationship will strongly improve. i want to add though that i hate playing games. i dont want this to be a game. so any advice would be great. what is to much distance... what gets a guy wondering about what his girlfriend is up to.... what will make him less secure? Thanks... anyone is welcome to help me out this site rules!!

ok.. This is the situation... Lately i have been doing a lot of thinking and i realized that my boyfriend has a really large comfort zone when it comes to me because i do everything for him and treat him like gold. Except all this never lead to anything... you see i was hoping that by idolizing him he would love more and sort of forget about everything else like i did. But now i realize that i had an awesome life before him and i should have one with him and even when we break up. i feel, felt like i had to give him every inch of my energy, but after a while he just started talking me for granted.... like he knows im going to phone him to do something, that i will offer to massage him.... so he knows that he doesn't really have to put much into it. I know that he loves me and i obviously love him, but i dont want to seem like im wipped for him. im only 20 and i feel like i want to marry him... but thats wrong! anyways.... basically i need advice on how to show him that im in charge and that my life doesnt depend on him. a lot of my friends are gone to school and im a social freak so i usually spend a lot of time with him. he is my priority, but i want him to feel a little less secure. I just dont want to do it in a way that is offensive or mean. but i want him to get thinking. can anyone relate or help?

hey... good topic. i was just wondering that myself. i have been with my boyfriend for 8 months and its like i do everything to please him... i mean massages every night and going out to dinner and he takes me for granted hardcore. since i have been with him he has made me jealous because he knows im inclined to get that way and has caused my confidence to go down a great deal. but you know what? it wasn't always like that. and i really do still love him. actually i am trying to think of myself for once in this relationship and its hard, and i hurts. i want it to work bad between us. how do i make it work. do i play hard and play games to let him on that i dont care.... man im just not like that. i want to love someone and be loved to the max. thats all i want from life right now. nat. please help.... i hate my situation, it hurts

man... thanks so much for that info. actually the biggest one is that i feel like i cant do anything right for him, like he will tell me to turn on the sterio... i doesnt work... i feel incompetenant and then i apologize. sometimes he will get sortof annoyed and other times he will just say hey... its no problem baby. like i really do try to please him in everyway. He is a good boyfriend. (am i trying to convince myself) there are a few other little things but they can be accounted for. i think thats the big one. i dont really know if he is the one that makes me feel like i cant do anything right, because he does say thank you and appreciates everything i do.... but i think i am realizing right now that if he said no to the next massage it would upset me. like i like doing everything for him. I offer most of the time. he does make me feel kinda small sometimes.

Well maybe its just that..., this is my first relationship and i dont know what i am doing. we have been together for seven months. he does not abuse me emotionaly (well actually what does that really mean?), or swear at me, or make me feel dumb or hit me and we hardly argue. i have realized though, that he comes first for him and when i look at it he comes first for me. so the energy is not right, but i mean.... he does love me and we spend so many special moments together. i think i just want to be the number one in his life. i dont really know.

i ask myself that to. i tell myself it can't be a good relationship if i am sad and confused 20 % of the time. you see, i am looking for something perfect i think, and i just don't think its possible when you put two people together. you see we love each other to the max... but its always up and down like a rollercoaster. Is this normal in a relationship? I think too, that i am a really sensitive person and that he can only take so much of my insecurity in the relationship. the way i see it.... what if he is thinking ... oh god i love this girl. and then i ask him whats wrong, did i do something wrong. Its like if we hang out to much then we start to get on each others nerves (in my perfect relationship this doesnt happen) so i get upset because i think he doesnt want to be around me.... and so on.... And to think he was the one to make the first moves.

ok... some of you may be tired of me rambling on... but it feels good. man im not doing good. i just feel so lost in this relationship stuff. i can't stop crying even if i really have no reason to. what i need to learn is how to realize that my partner loves me and thinks good things of me. i know that i feel like that for him but i feel like i am nothing to him and that he could go on perfectly without me. it kills me because i would freak so bad... and i don't know how i would handle it. or why i am even thinking of this? take it one step at a time. well its like i know what i would reply to me if i were someone else but.... i cant calm myself. the crazy thing is he tells me he loves me and i know that he does, and sometimes he'll say things like "all my customers want to meet you because when i talk about you, everything about you is great and reaches out to them." so why can't i stop crying. Whats wrong with me. do i love him to much! i wish i could read his mind and just know how important i really am to him. and its not that i dont believe him when he does say it, but its like i need to be reasured all the time. how do i stabalize this? love is so beautiful yet so complex can anyone relate?

hey pilotguide, you know i think you are pretty acurate, like i know he is thinking of me and probably talking about me to a certain extent when he goes out, but i feel like all i need is him. this is not true, and here is were i forget what is important. he has become my first priority, and im not even sure if he considers me his first priority, because he thinks of himself in all of this. which is something that i am slowly learning. its the worse when i miss out hanging out with friends just to wait for his phone call. sometimes minutes pass so slow.... when really i should be out having fun and not agonizing over being with him when we are usually always together anyways. man..... i love this guy. i just want to be the perfect girlfriend.... and i think that means space for both of us once in a while.... i just don't want him to get more comfortable with his space than with me. maybe i am paranoid to a certain extent.... but then i tell myself surely we are not travelling around the world for a year together for nothing.... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh i hate thinking .... my thoughts are everywhere my question to you is: is this your first relationship....? because this is mine. i feel lost sometimes because i haven't been through this and he has had a long term relationship before so he has a better grip on things

when i am away form my boyfriend i get this creepy feeling inside, like if we aren't together i'm missing out or i wake up alone in the morning and i can't help but wonder if he is forgetting about me, or enjoying his freedom to the point where he wouldn't want to hang out as much. this of course never happens and i have no reason to feel this way, he is a good boyfriend and we love each other and he calls when we aren't together.... i just wish i wouldn't feel empty when he is not around. And its weird to because sometimes we are together so much that we start to fall on each others nerves? and this makes me wonder... does he love me less? would we love and appreciate each other more if we didn't spend as much time together? Help.... I love him and just want to be around him, my feelings are confusing me.

ok! this is the situation! the boyfriend and i have been together for a good seven months and things are pretty smooth! i mean i love this guy and even if we hang out so much that we fall on our nerves a little we still love each other just as much i was at his place the other day and i was looking at one of his tattoos more closely and he was telling me how he told his ex girlfriend when they were going out that he had gotten this part of his tattoo that looks like a K for her last name. so that she would be a part of him forever and bla bla bla. now i know that they loved each other a lot back in the day to. and i really don't care about this to much. i think its cute. But the truth is, it was a part of the tattoo and he totally made it up to get some play. He never got a k placed in there.... it was just part of the tattoo. he noticed it looked like a k so he told her this and that to get her all "Im special" He sais he would never have to do that with me cuz i keep on giving like there is no tomorrow... but i can't help but feel like he is less trustable. I mean if he did this to the girl he loved he could very well do it to the girl he loves now? how do i know he is not making up stuff to me. or saying the night went like this when really it didn't? the sad thing is she still thinks he got a k tattooed on him because of her and its been a good couple years! Am i trippin?

well hey dude, if you love her and want to get back to her be honnest but not desperate. tell her you have seen some nice gals around but that unlike her (jumping into a new relationship) you need time to heal and move on. do what your heart tells you to. but i really hate it when people play games.... so don't play games yunno.... figure out want you want and what your situation is and then you will know what to do, and talk to her about it.

hey.... this is my problem and well im sure im not the only gal out there with it! my boyfriend have been together for 7 months we love each other and are extremely comfortable around each other. we have geat sex, i mean he makes me feel goooood! but he has never made me come. sometimes i feel so close that man...., but even if our sex would last longer i wouldn't be able to come. sometimes we have quick sex here and there, that i understand, but when we totally get into it, i still don't come. now, if im touching myself i can come in a minute. so i dont get it, sometimes i even stimulate or he will stimulate me manually as we are having sex and nothing (don't get me wrong... they are definitely good times) but i just feel incompetent and im sure that even if he sais otherwise, it bothers my boyfriend a little that i can't reach. any advice/ suggestions/ i've tried hard.... maybe thats my problem? although like i said i am very comfortable and relaxed when i have sex.... i dont think of this to much either while we do it.... sometimes we are stoned and drunk to, which i find sex to be awesome at this state, and since it takes my boyfriend a lot longer to come, i get to enjoy sex for a longer period of time and in a state were sensation is even greater (no i dont have a problem with drugs and alcohol, or do i need to be like this to have sex) but man.... i still don't get there! its like i will never be able to. help!

yah... i think you're right sweetnes304... I don't really have low self esteem, well i guess we all feel like we could be better.... i mean sometimes i think i'm not good enough for my boyfriend but then i go back to our first dates and i remember what its all about. this relationship has really changed me.... but like you i get jealous if he is out with family and friends... i just feel second best. i never mention anything, obviously im a freak if i can't let him hang out with his friends..... Man i love this guy way to much to.... but i think i need to respect him more by not being as jealous. now that would be proof of even greater love. plus he has become my priority... so work, my friends and even me are going downhill.... sigh...... to

Hello everybody! My boyfriend is a cancer and he tells me all the time that he does not get jealous and does not care about about what i do because he trusts and loves me. He says worrying will get him no where. I agree with him and i think that way to, but since he and i have been together i find it hard to not get jealous even if i know that he loves me and is not cheating on me even in the slightest. I just want to know if this could all be a facade because deep down i think he does feel jealousy once in a while but will keep it to himself and tell himself not to worry about it because there is no use. Now on the other hand i believe the same things he does but i get jealous all the time. Is jealousy really a sign that you care? i hate it, i find jealousy to be disguisting because people dont belong to each other. i don't want to be this way.. Am not that bad on the surface but inside i know i have a little problem and i want to fix it. I just love him so much, it suffocates me how much i love him and need him. anyone have any suggestions.

hey thanks for writting. you are right in many ways.... you see his brother is on very bad terms with his mom... so he will only be at his dads. And since his brother has to work on the 26th, he cannot be around on the 25th for very long. well i don't know. i feel selfish in all of this as well because we are leaving in febuary together for a year and he should get to see his family as much as he wants. i just wish that he would spend time for christmas with my family because we are always hanging out at his house, and it still hurts that i would take the boot. sigh.............. nat

Hey! i need a little advice / reassurance here! My boyfiend and I were going to spend the 24th of december celebrating with my parents, then the 25th at his dads and the 26th at his moms. Then yeasterday he tells me that he will probably go to his dads on the 24 because his brother can't make it on the 25 because he has to work. we had all planned this out so that everyone in our families (and we) be happy. I know that his brother is important to him but i can't help but feel second best once again. I feel like he doesn't put my feelings into perspective sometimes, although in my heart i know that he will have a better time there. I would love to go there myself, but then i would neglect my family. When he told me this i gave him a weird disappointed look, and he seemed mad, he said that he didn't know what was going on and that things werent final yet. i don't know what to do. i want to be the cool unattached girlfriend that sais sure go, but why can't he be the cool boyfriend and put me first? im all sad and confused and i really shouldn't be! should I? thanks a bunch for listening nat

hey that reminds me.... maybe i could make him a photo album so that he can put some of his pictures from our trip.... 'cept i have no idea how to make something crafty and beautiful... but i am really creative. if you have any advice that would be great!!!! you guys rule!

Hey everyone! I was just wondering little things that i could do with my boyfriend that are really low budget. We are in a great relationship and we love each other very much.... we both make good money but we are both saving for a year trip together. Also ... i want to make him something for christmas, to show him that money doesn't matter. i really love this guy! i started on a personalized christmas stocking but then we agreed to not get each other nothing.... (well, until we arrive in asia... then we'll go full out of a night or something) so i can't give him an empty stocking! Um any suggestions.... also i have a question.... do guys like getting home made cards and little things like that, yunno ... ten things i love about you and stuff? xnatx

Hey! Listen, this is what happened to me.... um.. my boyfriend approched me and called me a few times before we started going out. it was awesome because i love it when guys make the initial move. i wasn't really sure if he was into me though because we seemed to be just friendly... but there were little hints like those you speak of. after a while we would just hang out and both of us were nervous as hell to lean in an make the first move. after a while though it did happen and things have been solid since then. true, there are ups and downs in every relationship but its a learning process. my best advice is go for it. like secret agent man said ... she is not not interested. and if she were, what do you have to lose. you cant get anything without taking risks in life. thats why i encourage you to end the teasing and go for it buddy! i'm sure something positive will happen, because everything happens for a reason! even if she does say no.... you will learn from it. but she won`t! go for it! xnatx

hi everyone... this is my situation, it revolves around last weeks situation that i talked about.... at the beginning of last week my boyfriend said he wanted alone time, that we were always together and that since we were leaving to travel together we should spend the next two months doing what we have to do. he said it wasn't a break or that he wasn't mad and that i shouldn't worry. so i worried. and worried. and worried and cried. everything had been so perfect and lovey dovey before. why all of a sudden did he need space from me? so all that i could do was think. so i thought. i didn't eat, or do much. i felt like depression was talking my hand and leading towards the downward spiral. then i got to thinking that a person shouldn't make another person feel that way. that i was my own person before him and that i was strong. that he wasn't my whole life and that i had accomplished so much already. yunno morally boosting myself. we have been in contact through all of this and he doesn't know much of what i went through and how it hurt me because i wanted to respect his space and give him time to think, without me annoying him. so lately he seems to be going back to his normal, lets hang out, everything is ok self. but i feel like a part of me has died last week and a new me is born. i know that he is important to me and that i don't want to lose him. i love him. he loves me. i just convinced myself that i shouldn't depend on him for my happiness. only now i'm less giving and less in hopes that he realizes how good i am to him (i give him everything and it's not usually a two way thing. i give way more than he does) i'm hoping that he will realise how important i am to him without me being desperate. it seems to be working because he knows something is slightly different. we havn't talked about it though. and he seems to be coming towards me more. which is what i always wanted. yet i can't help but feel annoyed. all i can think of is to little to late. i feel like i was totally naive before and now i'm just not gonna get used anymore. actually i feel confused to. because i don't want to lose him but i want him to be the one writting a letter and saying how much he appreciates me.... the other day he jokingly said.... i don't know what you see in me. and i couldn't answer. i feel like what he has done to me has totally taken the innocence out of my love for him. can anyone shed advice? please? are we just playing games