uncertianty about wifes infidelity

[ok_now_what]

Over the summer my wife of 13 years and I had some problems. Even though I have no proof, I pretty certain that she had an affair. Things between us are much better but I have many doubts. I never confronted her with any evidence but all the warning signs were there. I offered her a way out, to admit it, but she wouldn't and that is the way I'm sure she would be.

 

She is now pregnant with twins and I'm not 100% certain that they are mine. We only had sex once, (I know that is all it takes) in several months. The timing is right, but the circumstances weren't real good. I shouldn't be complaining, but she still has a relationship with a "friend" and he lives in another state. They talk almost daily, e-mail, cell phone. She has never hid the friendship but was always persistent that it was just friends. I have met him several times and he is a pretty good guy. Maybe the timeing of this friendship and our problems in our relationship happened at a bad time.

 

Should I confront her with my suspicions, ask her to break off her frindship, or just wait and see and possibly have a DNA test on the children when they arrive. BTW we already have two other children so I really don't want to kick her to the curb, I actually do love her and my children.

[The Morrigan]

I admit, my view on this is biased through personal experience.

 

My best friend is a guy who lives accross the country. We've been friends for well over two years. My husband and I are now separated - and in part, because of his suspicions concerning this; I was actually being "monitored" on computer use and my cell phone calls checked. I never hid the friendship, and I can tell you, I most certainly would have had I had something to hide. At the same time, I freely admit I DID start mentioning him less and less - because I got worn out trying to prove myself innocent of something I'd never done.

 

You've met this guy - and at least most guys I know would NOT want to be introduced to the husband of a woman they were having an affair with. Would you want to be introduced in his position? And as the wife - I know I wouldn't want to bring a guy into my home I was having an affair with to introduce him to my husband.

 

Is there anything else that's made you suspicious, or are there maybe some issues that were happening in your marriage that made the circumstances seem more conducive to having an affair at the time? Have you talked about the problems you two were having, and has she talked to you about the behavior that was making you feel she was being unfaithful?

 

I'll say this much - affairs are generally not the cause of a failing marriage - but a symptom of something that hasn't been addressed and is being poorly handled by one or both partners, it doesn't happen when two people are happily married and feel their needs are being met within the marriage. Same with the feelings of insecurity that one partner may be having an affair - so it seems that's what you may not have completely addressed, but rather tried to put behind you. Problem is, things you put behind you without dealing with them fully have a nasty habit of reappearing from behind you to bite you in the rear later. If you're feeling this lack of confidence, I'd seriously consider going to counseling together, to see if working through everything with that third party view to pinpoint habits that are getting in the way of really putting this in the past can help you both get completely back on track.

[ok_now_what]

Thanks for your reply. I have tried to put these feelings behind me but as you say, sometimes they come back and bite you in the butt. I guess my main problem is she doesn't seem to be interested in making me feel very secure. This is just how I feel at the moment. Thanks again