From happily engaged to confusingly split.

[Phirefenix]

Hey all,

 

I'll try to explain things as balanced as I can. I was in a relationship with a girl for 6 years starting in 2002. I just turned 23, and she is 2 months shy of 21. A lot of this time was long distance. We spent time together whenever possible, and it was great. So great in fact that in August of 2006 I proposed to her. We had talked about a future together in great detail. Careers, hopes, dreams, and even children. We moved in together in southern Maryland for a few months beginning september of 2007. At first things were awesome. We were in southern Maryland, which happened to be more my style. I've always lived in smaller towns. She was born, and raised in Orlando Florida, and was used to bigger cities. I hoped she could cope, and be happy.

 

But she spent all her free time in the bedroom watching tv. She never reached out to find new friends, or meet new people. I was working, and enjoyed my job, and met a ton of great people. I had fun. Around February she tells me her old job in Florida called, and wanted her back. All her friends missed her, and begged for her to come back. So after long, stressful conversations we decided she would go back to Florida. It hurt me to see that she tossed in the towel without even trying. She moved in with her parents to get back on her feet. Soon she moved in with a female coworker who seems pretty cool.

 

Then she started to get really quiet. I could not keep her interested in a conversation, and communication suffered. One weekend I tried to get a hold of her because things were rough at my job, and I needed someone to talk to. Her phone was off. She never keeps it off. The following monday she calls me back. I asked if she was okay. Her first line was "promise you won't be mad". I didn't promise, but I said that I just wanted to talk. She told me she took a trip to Wisconsin to see a few friends. I was annoyed that she would hide that from me, but I just wanted to be able to talk. Regretfully that didn't even get accomplished that night.

 

From then on she was still very hard to maintain contact with over the next two weeks. I was close to completing my plans to move to Orlando. We had budgeted, and talked about moving in together again. I received a message on facebook. She didn't want me to move in with her right away. She was excited to be living on her own, and experiencing life. She wished me to have that same feeling. She also suggested that we postpone the engagement. She felt we had some things to work out, and she wanted to fix some things first. She also thought I could be a better boyfriend. (truth be told I wasn't so great about getting her flowers, cards, and trinkets) So I find another roomate about 40 minutes away from her, and move down a week later. I packed up a 16 foot truck, trailered my car, and drove 900 miles in two days. Carrying her stuff as well as mine.

 

She promised me that she would be a phone call away anytime I needed help. Any issues I might have would just require a call, and we would talk it over. I drove to her place to unload her stuff. She helps me. We spent the rest of that day together at her place. Everything was like normal. There wasn't any awkwardness. I go back to my place, and unload in the morning. The next day I decide to take the truck back. Being in a new place without GPS I gave her a call. She said she was at work, and wouldn't be able to help. Fair enough.

 

The trip to take the truck back led to the most stressful experience I've had in my life. Driving a box truck in downtown Orlando with traffic, and construction I nearly * * * * a brick. I got the truck returned, and unhitched my car to head home. After getting stuck in traffic my car overheats. Great. I sit on the side of the road, and call her for help. She can't make it. So I walk to a gas station for more coolant, and wait it out. I got home late that evening. I got into the job hunt, and was getting my name out, and about. A day later I got into a car accident. My first one at that. The damage is cosmetic. Fine whatever. I wanted to talk about it, and she didn't respond to my texts. I got to bed that night for the first time in a while without hearing, or seeing 'I love you' from her.

 

We hung out time to time. It was good. It really was. When we were together things were positive. I was getting rid of personal habits she didn't like. (nail chewing) I got her flowers several times. Two days later on the way home from an interview when I actually got a job the radiator in my car blew. I was stranded pretty far from home. She was visiting her dad, and unable to help. She said she called friends to call me about giving me a ride. I never received calls. So I hopped a bus home. The next day I hopped a bus back to my car, and spent the next 10 hours wrenching on it so I can fix it to drive home. I accomplished that in spectacular fashion. Feeling proud of my ability. The next day, which happened to be my birthday, I spent working on it to make the fix permanent. From 7am to 6pm I worked. Covered in oil, coolant, and ATF fluid I was gross. I showered up, and that night she came over. With a card, and took me to chili's to watch game one of the NBA finals. Awesome. It was so great of her to do that, and she actually got interested in basketball.

 

Then a twist happened. She took less interest in talking to me. She felt detached whenever we were together. Just two nights ago we were talking, and I felt something was up. She's notorious for not being open about her problems so I usually had to pry a bit to get her to open up. We had a long discussion. She felt that I wasn't making an effort. That I was still jobless through my own fault, and that I wasn't putting forth the effort to be a good boyfriend. This struck a nerve with me. I commented very plainly that I've been putting huge effort into just dealing with the perfect storm of circumstance that has hit me ever since moving here for her. She stated that I sounded like I was looking for a gold star, and a pat on the back. I explained that I wasn't. She continued to find ways the put blame on me. I reacted only by defending my actions, and not by putting blame on her. She persisted, and after a long silence (in which I suspect she was fishing for me to actually break up) she said we should take a break.

 

I thought for a minute, and very calmly (though in tears) explained that I was very disappointed, and hurt. After moving 900 miles, bringing her stuff to her, and dealing with everything that I have I felt very let down. She was crying as well, and launched into a speech about how she really cares about me. Wants me to be a part of her life still. That we should stay in touch, keep each other updated, and hang out whenever we can. She claimed that she cared so much she would take a bullet for me.

 

I was shocked. Numb, and pretty hurt. I have always been described as the essential nice guy. She called me the nice guy, my friends all claim me to be the nicest guy they know. It makes me feel good to be that for people, and has brought me nothing but kindness, and support. As I talked to my friends about it they all became incredibly upset at her actions. They all said that she acted immaturely, and just needs to be out of my life. The next night she went to a party. She got so drunk she had to be carried to a bed at her friend's apartment, and doesn't remember part of the night. She texted me saying "I had waaaay too much to drink, and ended up in a gay mans bed". She knows that I worry about her when she parties. I never tell her outright that I feel she shouldn't drink that much. She knows I get uncomfortable.

 

That sent several of my friends in a rage. Some of them were mutually part of her circle, and mine, and now they have pretty much cut off contact with her. They said some things regarding how immaturely she acted. Now I rarely hear anything from her. I'm at a point now where I'm just too hurt.

 

If she means to make good on her promise to keep me updated, and stay in touch fine. I don't ignore people, but I'm not going out of my way to maintain contact. Since making that mental switch I feel better. Step by step things start looking up, but I'm still very much in the grieving process, and it will take a while. Even just typing this post has made me feel better. My friends have been wonderful, and supportive. They want me to spread my wings, and be the man that I am. Nothing more, nothing less. A few female friends even joke that the news of me being available will sound like a thousand women squealing with joy. Personally I am not in shape for a relationship, and I'm smart enough to know that the time it takes to heal from this will dictate my readiness to date again. So I'm just taking care of only me for the first time in 6 years, and I feel good when I look in the mirror.

 

Thanks for reading.

Peter Gissiner

[Phirefenix]

(I'm confused about one thing though - you said you got a job right before your radiator blew - but then she was blaming you for still being jobless. What happened to the job?)

 

Oops, my bad. I was supposed to start work the day that I was working on the car to get it home. But didn't get it working fast enough to show up. My boss called, and said I was fired for not showing. I spent the next few days trying to explain it face to face with him, but he showed no sympathy.

 

Actually the day after the split I found a job. Nothing glamorous but I hope it works. Making rent this month is gonna be really tight.

[rothman]

Personally I am not in shape for a relationship, and I'm smart enough to know that the time it takes to heal from this will dictate my readiness to date again.

 

Well said right there. Good luck!

[_free_]

I'm sorry to hear about your perfect storm phire; it sounds like you really had a bad time, and yet you tried your best to make things work. It must hurt a great deal.

 

From what you wrote I think your X is confused about what she wants and not ready to commit to a serious relationship... that's all I can think of.

 

Good luck with healing, dealing, and making the rent.

[_free_]

I'm sorry to hear about your perfect storm phire; it sounds like you really had a bad time, and yet you tried your best to make things work. It must hurt a great deal.

 

From what you wrote I think your X is confused about what she wants and not ready to commit to a serious relationship... that's all I can think of.

 

Good luck with healing, dealing, and making the rent.