djsh4dow Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 Hi, Last Friday my girlfriend broke up with me. We had been on a break for about a month prior to that. During the break we still saw each other and hung out, so I guess that's why the break didn't work. She's obviously ambivalent, but she has been going through a rough time trying to become more independent. Let's just categorize her reason for breaking up with me as "finding herself." She says she still loves me and wants to be with me in the future. We have been talking basically every day since the break up. Talking to her makes me extremely anxious, which has been making my life somewhat unmanageable. I usually don't pursue talking to her. She usually tries to talk to me first. Sometimes I do try to talk to her though. Last night she had gone out with a couple of these girls who drink a lot. I tried to call her just before going to bed to say goodnight to her (I hadn't really talked to her all day). She didn't answer and never tried to text/call me back. This made me so anxious that I kept waking up in the night. This whole week I have been anxious and depressed. She told me that talking to me is very important to her and at the beginning of the breakup she had expressed her fear of me not talking to her. I don't know what to do. Talking to her makes me really anxious, but if I ignore her then she might get mad or upset and not want to get back together. I'm not strongly hinging on us getting back together, but I still love her a lot. She's very important to me. Jim Link to comment
Clabs Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 Hi Jim and welcome on here mate. I am sorry about your recent breakup and I know just how hard it can be. Well, it is true that if you were on a break but were still seeing each other, that is why it didn't work. Breaks in my experience almost always = breakup - sorry to say. A proper break is where you decide to take time apart for a predetermined amount of time for either of you to work through the issues you had. You get back and see if the problems have been resolved. Without that predermined about of time and concrete agreement on what is going to happen - it is just the same old same old. I hate to say this - but your ex is using you to get over you - you are her emotional crutch - her safety net if you will. This is very selfish because she gets the benefits of talking to you etc without the responsibility of a relationship. You say that talking to her makes you anxious and I am not surprised. Your best bet at this stage is to step right away from this - disappear from her life - don't be there at her beck and call. So what if she gets upset or mad - you are in essense broken up. You have to do what is good for you here - not what is good for her. You won't like this either but from my experience on here, it is very rare for people to get back together - and even when they do, the issues that broke them up in the first place drive them apart again. There is nothing that you can do to bring someone back to you - nothing at all. I am not saying she definitely won't come back - but your best bet is to look out for you now. We practice this thing on here called no contact (NC). With no contact - you do just that - don't contact them and don't reply to them. This may seem harsh but it is the quickest way to get your head on straight. Some people fear their exes will forget about them if they do this but she knows where to find you if she really wants back. But unless she tells you that she wants to get back together, then you are best off ignoring anything else. Dumpers often pull at heart strings and give you false hope - don't fall for it mate. I know you love her a lot but you have to be realistic here. If you work on the basis that she is not coming back and that this is a done deal - and start working on you - you will get through this much more easily. Keep really busy - go out with your mates, go down the gym or for a run. It won't seem like it right now but if you do this, the dust will soon begin to settle and you will be much calmer. If she comes around then you can decide if you want someone wishy washy in your life again or not and if she doesn't you will be much further along with your healing and much better prepared mentally and physically to take on the world again. I hope that helps mate. Come back here for support if you feel down - ok? Mark Link to comment
djsh4dow Posted June 12, 2008 Author Share Posted June 12, 2008 Mark, thanks a lot for your thoughtful reply. I agree with you in almost every respect. If she is using me the way you say, then she is not consciously doing it. I think that if she wanted to get over me, she wouldn't want to talk to me. I honestly think she is very ambivalent. On one hand she wants to talk to me and still has feelings for me, but on the other hand, she wants her freedom (whatever that entails). The past couple days she has done things like call me "hunny" or "boo boo," so I went out on a limb yesterday and told her that I missed her. To this she replied "we aren't together, so I don't want to act like it," which is just completely confusing and obnoxious. It's these kinds of things that make me so anxious - it's all rooted at her ambivalence, which is why I can't talk to her like this. As for her seeing someone else, I haven't completely ruled this out. I don't think that is the case though. She's not the kind of person to sugar coat things. If she met someone else I think she would just tell me straight-up, or I would hope so, especially since we have been broken up for almost a week now. I've discussed it with her already, since it was my first thought, and she has said several times that there is no other guy. Thanks for your reply. Jim Link to comment
musashi Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 If she is using me the way you say, then she is not consciously doing it. I think that if she wanted to get over me, she wouldn't want to talk to me... ...If she met someone else I think she would just tell me straight-up, or I would hope so, especially since we have been broken up for almost a week now. I've discussed it with her already, since it was my first thought, and she has said several times that there is no other guy. You are not going to like this but you must go NC. Tell her that you want to be with her but you cannot be in a relationship where she is not committed to you. If she wants to contact you, it must be for reconciliation and nothing less. You really need to do this or you are in for a world of hurt. My ex was the most honest, sincere, loving, and non-hurtful person I had ever met. She "subconsciously" strung me along for three months after our breakup until she found someone else. And, like your ex, she straight up told me when she did. It devestated me as I thought we were on the track to getting back together completely. The second breakup was much much much harder than the first. Now, I cannot think of her without thinking of them and that truly sucks. Do you really want to hang around until she does find someone else? Link to comment
djsh4dow Posted June 12, 2008 Author Share Posted June 12, 2008 You bring up a very good point, and no, I do not. I've already ignored one of her text messages today, so I guess I'm on the right track. Link to comment
Clabs Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 Jim This as hard as hell but Musashi is right - she will string you along for as long as it suits her and the only benefit you are likely to feel is to cobtinue to feel rotten and anxious. I know that you may think that in many ways your relationship and your ex were unique in many respects and I am sure that there were many aspects that were. However - when it comes to breakups, people act in remarkably similar ways. That is how we are able to give you the benefit of our experiences with confidence. Once you have broken up, it is a completely different game - and all bets are off. I agree - some of those things she said were completely obnoxious and ambivilant - don't hang around for that kind of treatment mate. Take care mate. Mark Link to comment
musashi Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 Good deal. It is hard but well worth it. If you still want to be with her, make sure she knows it but also make sure that she knows you will not accept anything less. It is the greatest mistake I made by not doing that. Link to comment
ConfusedNotDum Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 Mark, well spoken. I can say that your words have also helped me find some reality out of my recent break up and desire to talk to her and see if there is still something there. Your words are true and should definitely be used to help guide people in this very situation. Thanks Link to comment
JMichelle124 Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 If she is using me the way you say, then she is not consciously doing it. I think that if she wanted to get over me, she wouldn't want to talk to me. I honestly think she is very ambivalent. On one hand she wants to talk to me and still has feelings for me, but on the other hand, she wants her freedom (whatever that entails). I hate to be harsh but that is so not true!! They know what they are doing and even if they don't know WHY they are doing it, they still are completely aware that they may be stringing you along. I think it is a guilt thing, selfish, as well as breaking an old habit. It isn't easy going from talking to someone everyday to not talking to them at all... so this may be her way of adjusting but I also think it is a horrible idea to keep talking to her. If she really wants a break and for it to be over than go for a little bit without contact, even if you just start with a month. It is the best thing to do to, it will help you figure somethings out too! Link to comment
Clabs Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 Hi Confused I know this is quite an old thread and I don't know your story but I am so glad this helped you in some way. Breakups suck, no two ways about it, but the sooner you can "unconfuse" yourself, the sooner you start to see things much more clearly. Take care fella - oh - and thanks for the thanks! Mark Link to comment
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