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Before getting back together...DO YOUR HOMEWORK!

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After my breakup (I'm now slowly reconciling...) , for the first time I did some cheesy 'soul-searching", "High fidelity" (the film) style. I started looking into my past relationships.....and it helped me SO MUCH!!! At first, I didn't really see how how I could have ever developed a pattern in love, being so young. But I suddenly remembered a lot of men I got involved with (emotionally! very very few physically..) and it really opened my eyes on myself and my last relationship. I only ever had 2 'real' relationships but discovered I gave a lot of myself to about 6-7 men.



I made a list of the relationships I got involved with. I could only speak about the ones where I had the 'upper hand' and the 'lower hand'. And probably most young people do? ''who loves the other more?'' as if one was giving the other a favor, because in return they had the gratification of being adored unconditionally. I had the 'lower hand"quite bad for 3 years, ii was very insecure. One of them cheated of me. Years later, another boy I gave my virginity to cheated on me 3 weeks later in a very very sick way, felt no shame giving me the details of the affair, and thats when I got sick of feeling powerless. I treated two extremely nice boys I had 'power over' like **** because I thought that was the only way. Yes it's no excuse, Im probably writing this post to feel better. I should write to them instead actually.The worst story was with the guy I got in a relationship for a whole year at 18, he'd been liking me for 6 months, I didn't like anything about him except the fact he admired and loved me. He repeated every day how lucky he was and that he knew I'd be the one leaving him. For a whole year, I thought that maybe it was love, being with a nice guy who'd never cheat on me and I'd be happy staying with someone like that forever. We exchanged "I love you's' 10 times a day. I became more and more cocky, I wasn't always sweet but I wasn't bad to him,but the only reason why I was affectionate was that because it made me feel good about myself to have such power over someone's emotions. Now I feel terrible.... But I genuinely thought it was what a relationship was - an unhealthy power struggle. I dumped him suddenly. I thought he'd get over it in a matter of days - I was really stupid. 2 months later, his best friend asked to meet me, who came to tell me that my ex still wasnt over me,was depressed and would take me back straight away. Even if he knew that 3 weeks after we split up, I got with my current love (and obviously it wasnt a rebound...I wasn't emotionally involved with the ex after only a few months into the relationship).




I thought about my definitions of love/relationships in my past. I felt' madly in love' about 4 times in my life. And every time after that, I would say, "that wasn't real love back then" but there's no way to find out. The passion and the dreams of a family I had at 15 in a very silly long distance relationship now seem to be the most ridiculous things, but the intense feelings I had then were real. Maybe that was my only real love until the one I feel now. And it filled me with hope, my definitions of love and relationships keep on changing, with time my needs and views on an 'ideal man' will change anyway, whether I stay with the same man or not!!



But I noticed these two patterns (''upper hand/lower hand'', and temporary feelings of love) didn't apply to him, my current bf. It was different, and it was so scary and that's why I messed up. For the first time I felt ready to sacrifice my happiness for his, and felt incredible being so loved by someone so incredible who thought I was incredible too. The things I had with men before made me feel selfish or worthless- but he made me feel like the most amazing woman and discover I had so much love to give. I was thinking of things in a very very cheesy manner, and during the last month, I sometimes questioned my love for him. Maybe this breakup was too much pain for me and I'm taking him back just because he asked me to - but I know that I DID love him a lot and for the first time, even if it ends, I won't feel stupid or feel any regret because it was amazing.



Before he asked me back I didn't even know if I wanted him back this much - all I was thinking of was the pain from being rejected and how it hurt my ego. But now if it doesn't work out...it'll hurt horribly...but I'll be fine in the end, because the definition of love and of a good relationship a few months ago....maybe has changed and will match another man better in the future. But maybe I will forget the bad memories, accept that he split up because I was unbearable and I will be ready to love him again.

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