engagement at sight!!!??.... a litle shocked...

[amber81]

Hi!

a little background:

I've been with my boyfriend for a year. It was love at first sight...unexpected, pure, nice, weird, crazy... a few months later he moved in with me, because of financial troubles he had... I love him, I have no doubt about it... our relationship is so intense, so loving and so complicated at the same time...I have another thread in a age gap relationships+cultural+religion differences.... :S imagine that... (please read it so you have a better idea of the relationship...)

I'm 26, he is 21, I'm mexican, he's arabic, I'm catholic (not really but i grew up that way), he's muslim... I have a bachelor degree, he's still in college, struggling to continue because of the money.... etc etc etc....

 

the thing is, with all those financial problems, plus the religious, age and cultural difference...sometimes I ask my self, what the hell I'm doing here! why am I with him, I feel confused, i have many doubts..... yes it is complicated... and I read both messages about commitment phobics... I thought maybe I am one of them... but I'm not for what read... anyway I never felt afraid of the commitment, I like commitment and stability....

I love him, I like the way he thinks, his personality, his body, his soul, he's a great guy.... what I dont like is the current situation we are in... right now we are suffering a lot, because of the money basically, and sometimes I feel I'm week, I feel I don't wanna keep fighting, I want just to run away, be happy.... I don't know if you understand what I'm saying.. I mean, I compare myself to some of my friends or cousins and they are happily married, some already have kids, they are living in France, Spain, Canada, Mexico with their successful husbands, and my bf seems all trouble... I don't know if I'm ever gonna be like them with him....

I mean, i love him, but I'm not blind, I am very realistic.... and I don't know what's gonna happen with his studies, if he is gonna be able to finish them or what....

the thing is I was feeling bad because his family didn't even know about our relationship because of the religion. and for many months I was pushing him to tell them, I constantly told him that I didn't feel sure about his love, that I was not that important to him, that many people say that arabic people go back to their countries to marry muslim girls... etc.. this was more or less the scenario... so one day we had a big argument about another thing... and this things came up with it... so then we were good again... but suddenly he surprised me with the news that he told his parents that he wanted to marry me, and that I was going to be talking to them soon. So I was like... whatttt?????

I mean after the big big fight, when I wanna feel comfortable with him again, feel like things are going well... I wasn't feeling like that yet.. I was still recovering... he shocked me with the new... I felt so surprised, I couldn't believe it, but at the same time I felt relieved! so relieved! in peace, and happy... but surprised!!

So I know I love him, and I do wanna marry him... I just was wondering if it's normal to be afraid... a little unsure... about where all this is going, specially when we have this problems.... I have always been afraid of taking a big decision like getting married, cause I really really wanna marry just one time, I don't wanna get divorced, I wanna grow old with my hubby, and love him for ever.. so this is why I'm so analytic, and I'm always seeing the bad side of things too, so i don't make a mistake..... but my question is that, is it normal? or I am wrong or what?

I just want things "easy" in life, sometimes I feel tired of fighting for what I want, and I want to give up, but I now that you have to fight for the good things, you have to build them... but as I said, I wonder why other people have it so easy, like in the movies... so smooth... I dont know..... I just had to vent all this out!!!

any comments are welcome, please!!!!

thank you

amber

[riley123]

Yes, of course it's normal to be nervous and have doubts. However, one bit of advice I would offer is date a little longer and be engaged at least one year before you get married.

 

The second and third year of a relationship can be very different from the first.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Hey Amber!

 

Yeh - there are many stressors there for sure. And if you're feeling them, its a good thing your bf is too. If you haven't already talked this issue to death with him, maybe you should have the conversation with him and just really open up to him. Really let him know where you're at, with all of it, in all its brutal honesty.

 

Ya know, life is full of stress. Life is full of complications. Its not going to get easier if you get married, its gonna get harder. You guys should really figure out a way of dealing with stress and issues BEFORE you add complications.

 

I'm not saying marriage is all complications but of course it adds some. You'll be introducing a whole new family with a whole different way of doing things, traditions, beliefs etc. It can be complicated enough when people have similar backgrounds.

 

But those are there regardless of faith, race etc. All kinds of issues emerge in all relationships. Just because mine may not have the faith thing doesn't mean it doesn't have its own set of problems.

 

You just have to decide how you're going to deal with financial issues. The family issues when they arise. The religious issues. Everything. Every relationship has issues, you've already developed ways to deal with your mother or sister, coping skills etc, you'll figure this out too...