How do you know when you've been STRUNG ALONG?

[EddieAdams]

My ex-fiancee and I broke up on January 26th and stayed in constant contact until May 2nd.

 

She would always say "I love you"...call me baby and other pet names. She would always call me before she went to bed and said we would still get married someday...but, "right now I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone." We would spend time together twice a week and spent the night together a good 8-10 times over those 3.5 months. We would kiss and hug and cuddle. She would say that she couldn't say we were a couple because it was a mental thing for her...at the moment.

 

Finally, we had a fantastic and amazing night before my college graduation on May 2nd. We went to dinner and she said, "I love you" and she spoke about our future children...all on her own. We acted like we were still engaged. Then, we later went back to my place and made love for the first time in 4 months. It was amazing for us both. Then, ......she started to drift away the very same week....and she started talking about wanting to be all alone. She said, "I love you so much and WANT you....but I just want to be alone right now." It really hurt and kind of put a dagger through my soul. After all that time that I waited to make love to her...which I thought would bring us together....I feel like she planned for it to be our last night together....of course without me being told about it. I'm not sure if that was the thinking, but, ................was I strung along? Or did she over do herself by making love with me and she had to back away and think about what she did? .....Because now, the contact that was on a daily basis for 4 months....the I love you's and the baby's and the future talk.....we are now basically in NC. ????????

[EddieAdams]

Thank you so much Whisper......

 

My ex-fiancee has said to me many times since the break up that she wanted to die and that it wouldn't matter if she was dead. She would describe to me how she would kill herself.....she would say to me, "I can't love you until I love myself....I don't love myself." She would say, "I'm tired of treating you the way I do....that's why I broke up with you."

 

Then, she fell into a terrible sickness....she couldn't shake it....the doctors kept giving her different medicine every week and she still couldn't get rid of this sickness she had. Then, a week after the great night we had....we talked on the phone and she said, "You know Eddie, I sit around all the time and think about all the wonderful things that you do for me and how amazing you are. I know that the right thing to do is call you all the time and to spend time with you....but, I can't force myself to do it. I don't want to spend time with anyone that I love....you, or my family." I said, "Is this about other guys?" She said, "No. I don't want other guys. Guys are disgusting, I'll write it in my blood right now." I said, "Do you think that you may have depression?" She said, "I'm sure I do....I was used to take medicine for it, but, I don't know why I stoped taking it."

 

This was all news to me, I had no idea that she used to take medicine for depression. I said, "I think you need to go back to your doctor and tell him how you're feeling, emotionally." .....We ended the conversation and she said, "I love you." Then...it was mothers day and she only text messaged me. Then, Monday the twelve....she texted me @ 6 in the morning and told me that she was SICK AGAIN and that she had to stay home from work AGAIN....she signed it, Love Cindy. I returned the text a few hours later and she called me around 6 pm. She sounded horrible.....she was sick again! She sounded like she was dying...I felt bad for her....going on her 3rd wee k being sick. She started talking of wanting to be all alone and it hurt my feelings and I cried and she cried....she said that I shouldn't of had to put up with her for 4 months of this and she shouldn't get yelled at.

 

I said, "It's too bad that you don't want me." She said, "You don't get it...do you? I love you and I do want you....I just want to be alone right now! I don't want to have sex and don't want to do anything. I wanted to be alone yesterday, I want to be alone today and I'll want to be alone tomorrow. After that, I don't know." Then, I could hear her little niece ask her, "Why you cry Cindy? Cindy why you cry?" I said, Maybe we shouldn't talk for a while." She said, "That's not what I want...." I was upset and i said, "Should we just end this? I'm so confused." She said, "I'm done! I'm done!" We hung up. We called each other back and she said, "Eddie, you just need to calm down....you can't ask someone who's sick and depressed these questions...." Then we yelled at each other and didn't talk for a week. I called to apologize a week later and the next day she texted me, "I accept your apology" Then she texted, "Honestly, I will have more to say when I'm not sick. Still sick ....3 weeks....taking new medicine yeaterday...ttyl."

 

I sent a couple other texts during the week only to get one small response. Later I wrote her an email thanking her for all our greart memories and if she needs space that I understand and that the door is open. She emailed me back and said, "Thank you for the amazing email...so true...all of it. I am still sick...5 weeks on Sunday. When I can hear out of my ears, I'll call you. Talking to people is unpleasant, and I aviod it as much as possible. Talk to you soon." Then I sent her 2 more emails and 2 more texts over the next week without a response. She should be leaving for a trip out of the country in 2 days....a 10 day trip with her family...to Ireland.

 

.........Does this have anything to do with her being depressed and going through this long term illness she seems to have?

 

Has everything that has gone on for the past 4 months finally come to head?

[SingleAgain34]

Yes. You have been strung along. It's not fair what she was doing to you. All you can do now is let her figure things for herself. Stay away. Limit your contact to a minimum with her. Give her space to figure things out. Hanging around her will not make things better. Be friendly and nice but if you can go full NC , it would be the best for the moment. In the meantime use that time to figure out WHAT YOU WANT and if you deserve all this treatment.

[EddieAdams]

Thank you so much....

 

I think the best thing for us would've to go NC from the moment we "Broke Up". We did for the first few days....from both our ends but then a few days later, some time in early February, she contacted me and we stayed in contact daily...90% of the time it was on her end....I always left her alone.

 

Yeah, we had some nice moments over the past 4 months, but, it was horrible for me because I felt like I was in limbo land....she always reassure me that we'll be married and happy one day....so being that I proposed to this woman, I stuck with her,

 

I can remember times when she would call me on the phone and she would be laughing like crazy....and then she would scream at me and say someting horrible and hang up. Then, she would call me back again and be laughing again like she was crazy. I would sit there and think, "Something is not right here." One time during one of these laughing and screaming fits she said, "Eddie...what if I ran my car off the road right now?...You think I care, I don't care." That was in like early March...about 1.5 months after the break up. Something is wrong with her emotions.....

 

This sickness....whatever it is, didn't start until late April. Now....all I received was that text that said she would call and that email that said she would call....when she wasn't sick. I'm glad she accepted my apology....even though she was awful to me as well, that wasn't the point.

 

I guess I just have to leave her alone. The male part of brain says sometimes, "Did she find a new guy?" ... "Is she back with her ex?" ... "Is she lying to me about her sickness....is she better now?" ...."Is she out partying"

 

Then I think....."With how she was acting and how she is....a new guy is about a 1% chance." "Being back with her ex...sounds silly because that ended over a 1.5 years ago and he has a 35 year old woman pregers, 5% chance of that." ..."I've never known her to all out lie to me...EVER! About 20% chance of that." "Is she partying? I'm sure she's gone to spend time with a couple friends a few times.....but, she's been hiding in her house since January....80% of the time."

 

As much as it hurts.............I think that if I truly love her, that I have to leave her alone and we both need to heal....then maybe....who knows I guess.

 

We should've went NC 4 months ago I think. Then maybe we would both be in a better place I think. I think I've contacted her so much in the past 2 weeks is because I'm worried about her health, I'm confused, scared that it's REALLY over, and a bit insecure. Now.....even though the contact from me was pleasant and didn't ask her any questions and were pleasant statements....I need to quit now! If we were to ever heal and try again if possible....I have to stop now before I push her away and or not allow myself to heal.

 

We'll have to see if she calls like she said will, but, I have to be convinced that she won't.

[EddieAdams]

Whispers.....

 

I sent her an email telling her thank you for all our memories and that not I'm mad at her and that If she needs space then I'll give it to her.....and so on. Saying that the door was open for communication.

 

Then she wrote me back saying she would call....she said tell me how your jobs are going.

 

I wrote her an email telling her of my job. No response.

 

I then sent her a funny text that night with no response. So, then I sent her one more email saying that I'll leave her alone now and to have a wonderful trip and so on.....

 

Then 4 days later a friend told me that I should ask her if she wanted to get together to get a bite to eat before she left. So I did. Mistake. Then I sent her another text saying goodbye....and another saying "have a nice trip. I understand if you dont want to see me....Wanted to see before you left. Pick a four leaf clover and keep it. (Smiley face) Bye."

 

That was yesterday.....I'm done now....but do I look like a liar now....and did I wreck her trust because I emailed one too many(Saying have a nice trip) and texted her 4 times.(trying to make her laugh and asking her to dinner, and then saying have a nice trip)

 

Or......is she not mad, I'm only human and as long as a stop now?

 

I keep thinking that if I would've ended my contact with the email about my job (like she asked)....that I would feel better....not like I over did it.

[EddieAdams]

You're right.

 

If it was or wasn't a mistake.....it doesn't matter now. I have to let it go.

 

Because I'm sure I would've sent her a "have a nice trip" email and text message anyway. I know myself......

 

Well, .......I'll always love her and I wish that she and I can both heal from any disfunction we may have put each other through.

 

If it is ment to be......it'll happen, so they say. What I do realize now is....It will never get any better if I push the issue.........

 

Thank you.

[EddieAdams]

You're right.

 

For those 4 months I thought while I was waiting, she would get better. And by sticking around....any problems during the engagement would fix themselves with time.

 

But, what I think happened was that with she and I saying I love you, and talking every night and spending time with each other....was like picking a scab off a cut. we never allowed ourselves to heal any of the cuts we made in our relationships and she never allowed herself to heal any of her issues.

 

A BIG ISSUE for her is that she can't find a job as a teacher! She would talk about how much she hated her life because of that on a daily basis ever since last fall!!!!! She would talk about how much she just wanted to die beacuse she couldn't find a job as a teacher and that she was a loser because she was a server at a resturant and not using her degree.

 

Now....take that issue along with her depression, a cancelled wedding, sickness, and everything else. I think the biggest issue in our troubles to break up in the first place was how miserable she was with her job situation. Then, she would make me feel like crap because of that....then I would react to her misery and be miserable with her to defend myself and that effected our intimacy.....thusly she pulled the trigger on the wedding. Then, we seemed to be doing better during the break up....we really were, then this sickness hit her.

 

I think some time to think and breath is really needed.

 

Speaking of not taking someone like they are......(it seems as though towards the end of the engagement she would make things up about me)....we would visit her family and she would cry and scream at me after we would leave and say, "You hate my family!" I said, "What!? What are talking about?" She said, "You never talk to them...." I would be shocked because I was talking to them the whole time. And we would argue. Then, we were at a family function and she said to me, "You're being silly. Your talking too much Eddie." ...... Either I wasn't talking enough or I talked too much......It would really effect me. This was all in the late fall.

 

Something was going wrong with her then........even people at work sometimes would say, "Don't be mad at me....." And she would be shocked because she didn't realize she was being mean to them. I saw with my own eyes a couple times. She'd say, "Oh....I'm sorry."

 

You couldn't say hi to her in the morning and you couldn't touch her at night.... This was all when she had to start her masters degree and she wasn't making any money as a substitute teacher and she couldn't get a response from her resume to be a teacher. ..............

 

It hurts but I think her depression has been there for a while and I didn't know about it until 4 months after the break up.

[jazzykat]

You're right.

 

If it was or wasn't a mistake.....it doesn't matter now. I have to let it go.

 

Because I'm sure I would've sent her a "have a nice trip" email and text message anyway. I know myself......

 

Well, .......I'll always love her and I wish that she and I can both heal from any disfunction we may have put each other through.

 

If it is ment to be......it'll happen, so they say. What I do realize now is....It will never get any better if I push the issue.........

 

Thank you.

 

Hi Eddie,

 

I just wanted to say that this is a really mature approach now -jusy letting things be. If it happens, it happens.

 

It really does sound like your ex is going through depression and facing her own demons.

 

I hope she gets proper help soon.

 

Meanwhile, you just focus on taking care of yourself!

 

~Jaz.

[EddieAdams]

Thank you....

 

We all have our demons I think....

 

But, I think her demons caught up with her....

 

They say, sometimes love just isn't enough. I'm not totaly sure what this means, but, I think that maybe it just wasn't the right time for an engagement. Sometimes you meet the wrong people for you, sometimes you never meet them, sometimes you meet the right people for you, and sometimes you meet the right people at the wrong time.

 

It just is really disappointing and bothersome that I met the right woman for me at the wrong time in her life.

 

Damn!

[EddieAdams]

Man........ain't that the truth!

 

That kind of made my heart beat hard.....real hard!

 

...........When you start to think clearly and look at the situation from above and look down at it......and stop having so much hope, and start understanding and accepting "some" of the reality....It can hurt.

 

When you start to realize that it may be for the best not to talk to this person you love so....

 

When you start realize that the situation may be unfixable....

 

When you start to realize that through the process of NC, you may never talk to this person you love so....ever again...

 

It can hurt.

[EddieAdams]

I wonder what Cindy is going through right now.....

 

I know she was the one that made the final move to break up in January and she was the one that started the NC on the 12th, until I broke it to apologize....

 

But, I wonder what she's going through on the inside.

[jazzykat]

Ahhh...... aint that the question?

 

If only we knew...