Feeling lost in this life.

[Poisonous]

Hello all, name is Steven. I will be 20 on the 18th of this month. Life has made quite a few turns for me recently and I just need to vent.

 

I've read a few threads on here and really love some of the minds at work. You guys give some killer advice and I would love to know what you think of my current situation.

 

I am a gay male who thought he found the love of a lifetime, a magical love. Shawn is 27, 28 in August. So pretty much an 8 year difference at the worst possible time for the age difference to be there, it would be a lot different if I were 30 and he were 38. I'm trying to find myself and what I want out of life, I'm very much a hippy at heart. Into the all natural, healthy eating, keeping active... I'm currently a hair stylist and realize I hate it. So my main goal was to head back to school. But Im getting off track.

 

Shawn, my now ex, was here last June for work when we met and fell for one another sickeningly fast. We had amazing times as well as a lot of problems at the start off, me being so confused and pushing the love away in fear. We got through that and soon enough I was at his hotel all the time, practically moved in. This was probably a bad idea, small places. We were in heaven and hell off and on. It was amazing when it was good and painful when it wasn't. Well, he had to go to Boston for work next, knew this from the beginning. The time came and it was devastating but we were getting through it. About a month and a half after he left he came to visit for a week. We got into a bad fight, he had been drinking and was just harsh. I left in a rage saying he didnt respect me.

 

The next day he told me he doesn't think it is best that we are together right now. I need to find myself and go through so much in life right now, he said. He wants me to be happy and think our relationship is holding me back. We had had much worse fights than this one. This was murder for me, Im so in love with him I can't see straight.

 

Well it has been almost two months since this and we've talked a lot, almost acting as if we're still together. I've asked if this is really the best thing for us, why can't we just be together, so on and so forth. Well the other day I asked for him to meet me half way in a sense, to commit to me while we go through this. It was stupid to ask. Anyway, he goes on about how this has become just as much about him as me, he has so many doubts in himself, his job, him living in random places... He says he loves me entirely, completely, terribly... He just can't commit to me without any stability.

 

I am a mess. We just fought over me trying to set up a flight to come see him in July, he felt I was asking him to take care of it when I was just asking what dates and times would work for him.

 

Im so scared. He had so much faith in us, I did too, but I feel it is fading. Our love is so strong, I want the best for us, to work for us and for us to work. I know sometimes love isn't enough, but I have a hard time believing it. I have a lot of trust in love, it hasn't truly done me wrong...yet.

 

Im starting to wonder if this is just going to hold me back, I dont focus on myself enough, like I should. I want us. I want to be strong for me and tell him I can be his friend, but I need to move on. I can't even phathom doing this.

 

Please help. ](*,)

[arcadefire]

Hi and welcome. I'm in the boat where if someone really really loves you, he wouldn't do anything to push you away or not commit to you. And he wouldn't let you go either.

 

Also arguing about the times and dates to come visit him is also a bad sign that he probably doesn't love you the way you love him.

 

I think you should give you and your ex some time alone. Go into no contact with your ex. You need time to think about your current situation without him in your life. He will also feel the pain from not being able to contact you. If he really wants it to work out, he will come back to you. I don't think trying to hold onto him while he doesn't want you to will take the relationship anywhere at this point.

[chippero]

What is it that you truly want in a relationship with this person (or for that matter, any person)? I think if you start there, you will be able to lay the groundwork for proceeding in the right direction from this point.

[siberianhusky88]

I feel your pain...when all you want is just to be with a person and will make any ends meet and all he can do is push you away or not cooperate. I wish I had good advice to tell you, but I did want you to know that I am going through that a bit myself and I feel your pain. I have received good advice on here as well. The best advice I have received is to find activities to occupy my own time and to find ways for me to improve myself. I think love should not be so difficult and if it is, then perhaps that it was not meant to be. Giving yourself up emotionally and physically to a person is one of the most precious things you can do and you really deserve someone who will reciprocate these feelings, someone who will treasure the intimacy you have chosen to share with him. for myself and you as well, i think we should not give up on our relationships, but if in the end, we have done everything in our will to keep the relationship together. if in the end, it fails because of lack of effort on the other person, then atleast we can leave the relationship knowing that it would have been no different any other way. no regrets at that point. do message me if you ever need support or anything

[Fourleafclover]

I'm so sorry for you. I also feel the pain of madly loving someone who just won't love me back.