How wrong I was about him

[allypally]

I have been writing threads on the 'Breaking up' section for a while now and wanted to share this change in direction for us with you guys.

 

Because of my insecurities, I have broken up with my poor bf 4 times now, because he is a closed book in many ways and hasn't shown me support in the ways that I would have liked. When I was in a lot of pain with a wisdom tooth that needed to be extracted, I had hoped he would want to rush over and take care of me. In one moment of frustration, I put all of the cards he gave me into the recycling bin - I regret this hugely now because I'm never going to see those cards again and they were lovely.

 

When at a birthday lunch of a friend of his, he seemed to flirt with the girl sitting next to him, and I was stuck sitting at the end of the table and so felt awful. He also stared after her for ages when she returned to her car. We resolved it.

 

The most recent occasion, was when he had gone away on a lads weekend and my insecurities got the better of me ... again. I sent him 2 cutting texts and didn't speak to him in 24 hrs. He rang 15 times and texted about 10. He also bought a pretty necklace back for me which he had picked out himself - this meant the world. We resolved it.

 

He is actually the most affectionate and loving person, v understanding, and still wants to be with me. In fact on Monday night he told me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.... provided we can get over this rocky patch.

 

I feel awful about the way I have behaved towards him all because of my insecurities and because he hadn't supported me in the way I wanted. But these things take time and we are learning about eachother.

 

I have never wanted to be that 'drama woman' men talk about, but have behaved like one over the last couple of months. I am confident in every other area of my life but when it comes to relationships and getting close to someone and opening up, I feel at my most vulnerable.

 

On monday night we had a heart to heart. In retrospect thought I was sounding like a counsellor. Feel embarrassed about it now, but we both want the same things in life.

 

All I want now is to be there for him and for things to go back to how they were. Can anyone relate to this?

 

Thanks for reading this.

[Panda2008]

Well congratualtions

 

Have you thought about how you are going to stop the same issues with your insecurity etc arising in the future? It's great that you want to work together and build on your relationship anyway. Good luck with everything.

[allypally]

Thanks Panda!

 

Firstly, I need to stop fixating on the relationship and just learn to relax in the relationship - its been a long time (6-7 yrs) since I have been with someone who genuinely wants to be with me, rather than my just being their trophy gf, or fling or rebound.

 

I have been seeing a therapist for over a yr now to try and sort out my insecurities - it has helped me see that my behaviour and thought process has been founded on childhood experiences, which would seem like a bit of a cliche.

 

We both want to 'grow' together in a spiritual sense I guess which is what I've always wanted with a bf. We've been seeing eachother for 6 months, and I think my behaviour of late has been to do with accepting him for who he is - yes, he has his quirks/faults but he has come out on top of this by virtue of him having handling the situation on more than one occasion with kindness, understanding, love and patience which says a lot about him.

 

 

Now I need to show him that I'm not a nut nut, but a woman he can be proud of, who will be there for him, and love him for who he is.

[hamsalad]

Ally, this is good news. Are things really coming back together for you? You are both communicating on a great level! Way to go! I am so glad it's moving forward!

[allypally]

Thanks so much Hamsalad!! how have you been? is each day improving for you, and have you been able to take your mind off your ex for a bit?

 

Well he is a closed book, and I want someone I can talk to - real intimacy. He is very unaware in that sense, but he rushed half way accross the country to get back to me and talk, he bought flowers and a necklace and texted every day he was away.

 

I love him, but its been difficult allowing someone to get close to me again and be sure of their intentions. It is true what people say about women testing men, however, I just want to relax now rather than putting myself through mental torture and 'questioning' him in every way. Exhausting.

 

He's gorgeous, we are great together, and its time to get out of this negative mindset once and for all and enjoy what we have!

[hamsalad]

Well, one step at a time or one day at a time. I just hope it pans out for you and you are happy in the end.

 

Yes, my days are getting better, but have a had a few setbacks, like this morning. But I got out of bed and kept moving forward. The storm will pass.

[allypally]

Yes, it will be one step at a time Hamsalad.

 

What he said about "wanting to spend the rest of his life with me" because we are good together except when I have my freak outs, did freak me out. I do have a commitmentphobe streak in me mainly because I want to be sure I am with the right person before taking such a huge step.

[hamsalad]

Yes, it will be one step at a time Hamsalad.

 

What he said about "wanting to spend the rest of his life with me" because we are good together except when I have my freak outs, did freak me out. I do have a commitmentphobe streak in me mainly because I want to be sure I am with the right person before taking such a huge step.

 

Well, remember that there is an element of chance in every relationship. You make the best decision for your future based on what you have NOW.

 

Take your time and relax. Don't rush. I hope the best for you.

[allypally]

Thank you Hamsalad, I have really appreciated your input over the last few days ....

 

I will still be checking in on the site so will see how you are all doing!

[PushingDaisies]

My ex was a closed book as well and it got me really paranoid. Especially since he seemed to open up more to this one other girl than he did to me. But since we have broken up I have realised that is just how he is and I really wish I could have accepted that.

 

Like you, I became really insecure and let it out in explosive ways. Cutting texts, the silent treatment, you name it, I probably did it. Finally I realised that I was being way ott and resolved to sort it out. But it was a case of too little, too late

 

I decided that before I took things to my ex, or did something I would later regret, I would talk to my sister about it - shes been there, done that so gave great advice. Perhaps there is someone you can talk to when things are bothering you? Like here on ENA lol. Before acting rashly, talk it through with someone you trust, dont let it hurt your relationship.

 

Best of luck x

[allypally]

Thanks Pushing Daisies .... I have good friends to talk to about it. They also say its all good with him, and just to accept him for who he is.

 

He told me over the phone on Sunday that he doesn't want to push me away and that he wants to grow with me. On the phone last night he said we just have to go with it even if it means the odd trauma here and there.

 

I think its me who's the one with the problem not him!

[PushingDaisies]

Thanks Pushing Daisies .... I have good friends to talk to about it. They also say its all good with him, and just to accept him for who he is.

 

He told me over the phone on Sunday that he doesn't want to push me away and that he wants to grow with me. On the phone last night he said we just have to go with it even if it means the odd trauma here and there.

 

I think its me who's the one with the problem not him!

 

Lol I think most girls get paranoid over something or other. The important thing is to trust him until he gives you a reason to not trust him. The difficult thing is to balance this without letting yourself become a doormat.

 

Im so glad I found ENA, because, in my next relationship, I can come here and get advice when I think I've gone crazy! Lol. Good luck

[allypally]

Couldn't agree more - that you have to set boundaries with them or they will walk all over you.

[SpeedingCars]

Congrats AllyPally...

Now if only I could get MY "closed book" of a guy to open up...

 

Sometimes I get him to act really affectionate, but then it dies down and it's back to him being closed!

 

Accepting them as they are is difficult, but it's something that must happen if the relationship is to work out.

[Kat123]

I undersand where you all are coming from...I felt the same way in my last relationship with a "closed book." It was extremely difficult for me, and constantly brough out my worst insecurities, and I responded in ways I am ashamed of. I wanted it to work out so badly with my "closed book" becaused I loved him so, but in the end, I realized I couldn't live with a "closed book" and I couldn't accept it. It was too hard, making me take actions I would normally be ashamed of, and turning me into the "crazy drama woman." We broke up last week, and I think its for the best. I think I need an "open book" and someone who can give me the security I need.

 

If you truly want it to work, you are gonig to have to accept him the way he is and deal with your problems on your own. I was also in therapy trying to curb my reactions to my insecurity, but in the end, realized that the guy I need to be with won't make me feel this way. Sorry if you all disagree with me about this, but this was just the way it had to be for me. I hope you can work these things through...your guy sounds a million times more understanding and compassionate about it than mine was, which will undoubtedbly make this a million times easier for you!