Letting go, how do i truly do it? Zorba you seem to be the man.

[lainOS]

I always have a lot more confidence in someone's advice when i know that they really have been through it and succeeding thats why i mention Zorba who's responses i saw in the "reverse psychology and rebound" thread. If anyone could help me with these questions I'd much appreciate but i do hope you, Zorba could give me some advice on truly letting go. you seem to have done after past relationships and your post have been very level-headed and you really seem to know what you're doing.

 

so here's my story and I'll try to make it short.

 

Zorba said the best thing to do is really let go. it makes the most sense but now i ask..how??

 

i mean there are times when i feel like i can let go and such and really feel like if i had a conversation with her at that time and not crack and do some "trying to get her back" thing which is totally transparent and makes things worse. but these moments only last for a time and then next thing i know im trying to win her back somehow, reading "win her back" articles on the web etc. but all these articles seem to basically do is tell you to behave in ways that a person who has genuinely let go would. i think the show would probably be seen thru at some point and it honestly seems less taxing to just genuinely do it instead of try and keep up the act. knowing what to say in any interaction etc. how do i find this place of letting go, willingness to let go within myself in a more permanent way? instead of these fleeting moments of not needing her that dont last. my only contact with my ex is thru msn messenger now. and still when i see her sign on, im thinking, "i wanna talk to her" "how do i handle it if she says -whatever-" i need to do this, need to do that- to help make it come back together again, and i feel this shi**y feeling in my stomache. it just seems easier if i could truly let it go. but i dont know how. must be some kind of psyching myself into it kinda thing? can anyone tell me a real concrete way of going about letting her go? im the kind of person who needs like, a step by step walk-through, although that may be much to ask. but anyway, anything would be helpful.

 

see i know all of what to do, but feel i dont have the strength to, NC, playin it cool when i AM in contact. she was in love with me two short months ago and if i could just get me back (which is who she loved in the first place) i could really have a chance, not to mention life just being easier.

[android]

What happened in your relationship? and try to decide one thing first, 'You want her or not' The rest of your actions are to be cordinated on the basis of that. do you really want to let go or you want to try and get her back. decide and then get your act together

[lainOS]

thank you android, the truth is that i want to get her back. of course, i also dont want to suffer too much about things too. but trying to get her back maybe(?) doesnt have to include too much suffering? we ended because of distance and her parents not approving of me, during the breakup she had said how she couldnt imagine not talking to me every night tho. and how she hopes we end up together in the end, etc. i did a little of the dumb "trying to convince her we shouldnt break up" thing afterwards tho, along with a few other dumb things basically in the same vein, making it clear that i still feel the need to be close to her and that i obviously love her. ugh. i stopped initiating contact the past week or two tho, she does contact me. but i weakly start flirting etc. i dunno..

[lainOS]

in a way its all twisted logic, i want to let her go so that i can potentially get her back?? meh. i just know if i could let her go i'd have the best chance and i'd feel a lot more peaceful. the problem is when i talk to her i just feel backed into a corner in our conversation. i know she isnt doing it on purpose. its like, i messed up after our break-up and i know it and because of that now I'M all weird selfconscious about how im being with her. sometimes i overly flirt with her or sumthing. (when we broke up we talked about how it would be, will be flirting be off limits? etc. she said no we can still flirt etc. it was a sad but still affectionate thing) anyway after the things i did after the break-up, apparently flirting is considered a bad thing, like im trying to get her. which i guess is true. problem is i tell myself when i start talking to her. dont do it. yet i do anyway. i do and say things that show that i want to be more deeply connected with her (as in close on a personal level, tho not meaning relationship) and i know i shouldnt but i do anyway, i lose my sense or whatever. i flirt even tho she responds to it badly and i know its a bad thing. again i lose my sense. i havent initiated contact with her lately she does instead, yet i still blow it once we start talking. ugh! any advice? this seems like its definitely an inside thing for me. how do i really psyche myself out of it? or what thoughts does anyone have on it in general?

[android]

sorry lain...got a bit late.I think you're not getin a reply from Zorba as in particular. I hope my help is being welcomed... or at least i'm gonna try and help. listen what i think, its only an opinion, swell, you admire this capability of letting go. you know you really cant but you are simply trying to wear a face and thinkin about letting go and stuff. So stop thinking you want to let go and 'let go'... seen the movie matrix 1? There's a dialog called, "stop trying to hit me and 'hit me'.

 

See, wat you lack at this point is a proper decision. You require to do what is good for you. You really dont have to flirt around with her. Because it renews ties everytime you make up your mind to let go. She is probably not too serious with you. She's just flirting around and you're being her playmate. So at some point you will get further hurt ( i know you already are). So what you need to do is "let go"... But dont make it obvious. try to just avoid circumstances that you come into contact with her. you dont have to keep telling yourself,"oh i got to let go" and stuff. Just decide it. thats all. If u keep reminding yourself about the fact 'let go" then what you are doing is you are giving your mind more room to just sit and think about her. then in actual time, you are just making it more difficult for you to leave her or forget her.

 

Thats what the earlier statement i mentioned meant. so just be casual, avoid her, her calls, block her on msn, delete or whatever. with what yousaid she isnt the girl for you. And even if she would be in your opinion, she cant leave her parents and comewith you. So naturally, this is something that wont work out. And even if you do not mean a serious relationship, you are very much atached to her. dont let her do that to you. You need to have a control ovr your own actions and decisions. Not be wavering and weak.

 

And well about flirting, i dont think you should flirt with a girl who's become an "emotional bookmark" Yeah thats it, your mind always keeps looking out for her as you are emotionally attached to her. so i guess you could find someone else, a good friend, who would love you for the personn you are. And later on you could move on to a personal relationship...flirting, love, sex..anything....

[lainOS]

thanks android, yes your advice is welcomed, everyone's is and i hope to hear more. i just mentioned zorba because he seems from his post to have been able to truly let go. and i just wanted to know exactly how. i mean there must be some kind of gauge to know when ive really let go...or rather...to know im over it. like....if i see her facebook and shes with someone else and it doesnt bother me, well surely thats a good gauge, but if so how do i get to that point. anyway. im not sure if ive ever really gotten over any of my ex's. i know i can see them and not cry or something like that, but im not sure if it means im truly over it. cuz one day i decided to read a letter my first gf wrote me when we first fell in love. and when i did all the feelings i had from like 8 years ago were there as if it was yesterday. those feelings arent/werent gone a bit! ugh! that doesnt seem right does it?

 

anyway you're right about me not being sure i want to let go, i do want her back. i just think "letting go" (whatever it really means which im not even sure anymore) would make things less painful. well i guess letting go is really that, letting go of if she will be mine again or not. thats what it is. and yea, i dont know if my heart can give her up. ive been talking to this girl nowadays and she doesnt even compare to my ex. i really dont think it'll ever really be possible for me to love this girl. my ex raised the ante so to speak. now i think whoever i end up with, if its not her, will have to be.....one hell of a girl, which is n understatement.

 

"You really dont have to flirt around with her. Because it renews ties everytime you make up your mind to let go"

 

i dont think i ever really *want* to let go, i only want to not suffer, but i always still want her the most. and yes, some how, some way, i want to try to make that happen again, at least to the best of my ability i know there's no gaurantees. so yea, i dont even know where im at with this.

 

when i say flirting i think maybe its better described as teasing. i once teased her on IM and she laughed and responded the way she used to. and it was FANTASTIC to me. that tiny little moment made me so happy, like...we'll be able to do this again? just flirt and joke and at least like each other again a lil. i think i need to make this another post in another area and give the history.

[Zorba]

Sorry folks. I've been away for a fair while. My account went a bit funny too. Probably my end though.

 

I think to let go, you have to truly accept it's over. You have to truly accept that they weren't the one for you. They may have been at the time, while it lasted and it's possible they may be again, but now at this moment and for the foreseeable future they're not. That's nothing against them or you. It's just the way it is and fighting it just wasting the days and hours of your life. Now you will need healing time and that's never a waste if you learn from it.

 

It's a good plan to look at those that come and go in your lives as people who teach you something about yourself, if you're willing to learn.

 

Practically? You have to do the old NC, because otherwise you'll just stagnate in the past. The past is a place to learn from not to live in. It's like giving up smoking. You just have to stop. Simple it sounds, simple it is not and they haven't come up with a patch for lost love yet(though in my youth I thought beer worked temporarily

 

Don't contact her. If she contacts you, then tell her that she needs to accept you can't be around her and she can't expect your help or support. If she pulls any of the "but we can be friends" it's her being selfish. Do NOT fall for that one. In fact if she does pull that line out of the hat or anything similar it should tell you all you need to know about her. It'll tell you that she is thinking of herself and not you, that her level of emotional awareness is low. That should bolster your NC.

 

The usual advice of doing other things and filling your day, each day with new experiences and stimuli is good advice. It does work. You will have days and hours where it will be hard, but they will pass, but only if you want them too.

 

Hope that helps such as it is.

[peacehippy]

This reminds me of a little story.........

 

Breaking up to me is like taking a toy away from a toddler. They'll start kicking and screaming. The best way to take a toy away is to distract the kid, give him something else to play with, divert his attention..... Instead of trying to forcefull take thoughts out of your mind, give yourself something better to play with, something healthier......

 

peace and love your way!

[lalarar]

zorba ive been reading sum of your posts on rebound relationships. he got with the girl 4 weeks after we broke up, i stopped contact and 6 weeks into there relationship he rang me drunk saying he missed me.

 

if they do it when they are drunk? is it not the same?

 

he does this with all girlfriend, when going out wiv me he used to ring his ex from 8 months before when drunk.... he now has a complete new girl

 

this new girl is also a friend of his, friends for a long time, but dont see each other oftern b4 now becus of uni ect, is it rebound? or could it be true cus he's know her before?

 

 

we broke up cus he didnt trust me as before we started OFFICIALLY going out i snogged a very famous man, and he knew i met him but did not know this, and in the heat of an argument i told him, and he just does not trust me at all. even thou he had been ringing his ex when drunk sayin he had feeling!

 

it all sounds petty, but i know after 3 month i do really love him, we did get on very well, and i want it to work. nc defo works. on the phone i was telling him i missed him...bad move i think. he text me the text day saying...sorry x. (as if to say he is gunna stay with her)... like he did when we were going out.

 

the sexual attraction is very strong. i think i both account, i think if i physically saw him in person itd be v.hard not to.

 

just after we broke up he also came round my house drunk desperate for me.

 

does he want me? or cld this girl he's known for year whom they seem ideal with (both very social, part of the same friendship group) work? however alone together i dont think theyd be as could as wen in "the group"

 

what do i do. i was planning on no contact. and wait... but what do i do if i hear again. do u think he wants me? i don't know what to do. its driving me mad.

 

zobra i joined for your reply, i looked forrward. thank you

[sushigirlie]

Zorba, I love this advice. Thank you. L.C.