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need some control


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My man has almost all of the control in our relationship. I started this huge fight with him over 2 years ago and since then he’s had the upper hand. I used to be the one that called all the shots. I set all the boundaries and he followed suit. He knows that he has more control over what happens in our relationship now. I am afraid of him leaving me, but I don’t think he has that fear (anymore). Either because he doesn’t care if I leave or he doesn’t think I would actually leave him.


Now that things are mostly under his control, he is much less affectionate and open with his emotions. To him, it's okay if he gets angry or pissed off, but if I get angry I'm being unreasonable. I’ve tried to get things to go back to the way they were but he’s adamant about not wanting things to go in that direction and has been successful in keeping it that way. I've basically allowed him to have his way all the time due to my fear of him completely leaving me if I get too pushy. I feel like my only options in this situation is to either go along with what he says, regain some control over us, or leave the situation altogether. If he stays in control I think we’ll just wither away into nothing. A part of me feels he wishes I took the reigns and steered us closer together.


Has anyone been in a similar situation or has any ideas of how to assert some control or get things moving in a different direction?

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I think the best thing for you to do is get out of the situation. He has 100% of the control because of your fear that he will leave you, and this means that whatever you try to do to get back to a balanced relationship will fail because he can always play this trump card.


By leaving him, you take back the control, and you leave him with no choice in the matter. This situation is making you miserable. So get out now, and find someone who will look after you and treat your opinions with respect, and who wont just walk away from you.


You have to look at this in the long term. Walking out now is going to hurt, you are facing a fear you have of losing his love and protection. But in the long term, the pain will wear away, the hurt will fade, and you will find someone who will treat you better than this guy ever did. Take back your life.


Another point, although not one I would recommend thinking about since it delays healing, is that he may suddenly appreciate what he had when he was with you and reform, because he doesnt want to lose you. He is happily going through the motions at the moment, knowing you cant stand up to him - and this could just lead to him taking advantage of you in the future. Walking out may shock him into realising how you felt and make him work to get you back.


Its hard, and not something you want to hear, but I think leaving him is the best option for you now, because the situation will only get worse in the long run.


Best of luck x

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Best thing you can do to get control is to leave. You're in a tug-of-war power struggle, and if you're at 0 and he's at 10, what you're talking about is a no-win situation for the two of you, because each of you should be at 10 if you're healthy. Instead the only way you get control is if he gives it up, so every time you advance a number, it will only be temporary until he pulls again and puts you right back at 0.


Just leave.


That analogy is great. I second this

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i know everyone says to leave, that might be scary to you though. Are you in any physical danger? If not and you don't feel like you can leave right now, and want to try and work it out, stand up to him and tell him its time to fix it. Go to couples counseling, try and work it out. That is if you want to try. I just wanted to offer another alternative.

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