How do you let your LTR in on a big secret.

[forgotten1]

I met my Gf in HS and back then as a means to hide my own insecurity i lied about my experience level and held this lie up and into college. She thinks ive been with 5 or so women, because thats what i told her in the past. It was a part of this elaborate cover up of mine but i never expected that one day we would be bf/gf. We have been dating for nearly 5 months now and i could never fess up about this one particular big one that she was in actuality my first. Her having some but limited experience prior to me.

 

Something that makes this even a bigger issue is that although we have great chemistry but our sex is very bland and neither of us get much enjoyment from it, that is fooling around on her sofa is probably more exciting then our bedroom excursions. She takes this as a knock on her and wonders how these other women may have been "better" and on some level it makes her insecure.

 

While at the same time i think some of our lack luster experiences have probably more to do with my lack of experience. Although she had said, before we had ever done anything, that she has never enjoyed the actual sex part and in the past only did it to please the guy. On some level i think this really has played to some anxiety that i had and have to not only live up to her limited but still existent past but also to my perceived experience level and as of yet i just dont seem to be getting the buttons right. Dont get me wrong ive learned her quite well and know a lot of what gets her in the mood and our make out and fool around sessions are epic but cant seem to close the deal and usually she will end up doing it herself. Which is frustrating on my part because i start to feel what good am i here if you just finish yourself other then for the cuddling afterwards. I know she deeply loves me and we have been friends for a long time and in a relationship for a while now but i start to wonder if the sex is a hurdle we can get past. What makes this so hard is that we are so honest with one another and she says thats one of the things she appreciates the most which makes this lie even bigger and harder to tell her.

 

 

sorry for so long, thanks to all who read.

[helpisgreat]

i would say that the best thing to do is not to wait any longer. the sooner you are honest the better. if you explain everything and why you did it she might be mad, but will inevitably understand and be glad you came clean (youll have a clear conscience too).

[forgotten1]

honestly i think she would leave.

[forgotten1]

well its sad because everything else...my deepest darkest secrets and i know hers and we have been best friends for a few years but this one secret i dont know why but i couldnt divulge it had become such a part of my life with everyone and anyone i knew. For the life of me i wanted to hide my virginity and i did it well, so well she never questioned it and neither has anyone else.

[forgotten1]

i guess a big part of my identity is caught up in this and i guess some part of me wonders if it will take away some of who i am.

[Timebandit]

If she leaves she is not the right one for you anyway. And she probably has guessed by now that the "number" did not entirely match your performance. Look at it this way - this is a golden opportunity to get rid of your shame. She seem to have her sexual insecurities also so perhaps she can relate.

 

And stop thinking about "having to finish her" and all that stuff. Sex is supposed to be fun. Include a pillow fight in the foreplay ;-)

[agent1607307371]

i guess a big part of my identity is caught up in this and i guess some part of me wonders if it will take away some of who i am.

 

 

Course it will. But it will be the part of you that's a lie and is causing you all this worry.

[vermilion]

honestly i think she would leave.

 

I don't think so. And if she did, she'd be a hypocrite. I don't care how honest a person is now. EVERYONE has told a lie, including her.

 

If you were hiding something like you cheated on her or something more serious, yeah, I could see her getting upset enough to leave you. She might be upset at you for a while, pulling all those stupid drama antics, but she'll probably get over it and forgive you.

 

But you lied because you felt that if you didn't, she wouldn't be interested in you. And yes it was wrong, but it's really not that big of a deal. Because the truth is, whether you're a virgin or not never really mattered in the first place. There may be some girls who are so picky they can't have an unexperienced guy, but they are in the minority- especially when you're younger and a lot of people your age haven't had experience. In fact, I think 5 girls at 22 is a bit much with all the diseases you can get nowadays. So maybe it will be a relief.

 

The important thing is, you get it off your chest. If you don't, it's just going to be a dark cloud hanging over your head the rest of your elationship.

[george237]

If she has never enjoyed sex before this should be easy for you. Bring some passion into the bedroom. Take care of her first if you know what i mean. You don't have to be experienced to know what makes her toes wiggle.

 

Also I wouldn't even tell her about your small lie. I can't see any good coming out of it and it is a lie from years ago.

[forgotten1]

i just want to say first of all it wasnt a lie for her...it was a lie that actually began in high school...when she asked about it way back then as merely a friend i felt i needed to keep the lie because the only thing worse then a virgin in my circle of friends way back then was someone who lied about not being one. Fact of the matter is i had a different belief on what sex should be and no i wasnt waiting for marriage but for someone i could honestly say i was in love with, that was important to me, so to get a lot of my buds in high school off my back i made this lie as a means to relieve the peer pressure to go sex some random person. I wish i would have been stronger to just stand in my beliefs but i was immature and it was what it was. But because she had innocently become a part of that life over the years of knowing her it become harder and harder to come clean in this. And it was something that very rarely came up. Another big problem is that she is glad that i had my prior experiences so she feels less guilty about hers. That is she is glad she is with someone who has a past, not out of experience level but someone who can understand where she is coming from, which again made it even harder and i am beginning to think that this may be one that i should take the responsibility in keeping.

 

 

someone111 i think your being overly harsh, in all other facets of our relationship i have been nothing but honest, im a caring boyfriend who has sat and held her during a breakdown where she confessed of still having feelings for a long ago ex, i have helped her work through troubles at home, been a shoulder to cry on, been her best and only friend when all others left her in her deepest time of need even her family, she is the world to me and for you to try and assume to understand me enough to call me a lying pig, i think you presume much beyond your boundaries. Yes i got myself caught in an adolescence lie that because of our long ties as followed me but one lingering lie that would only bring up anxiety and pain without accomplishing anything in our relationship i think is little to go on to make such presumptions of my character.

[forgotten1]

If she has never enjoyed sex before this should be easy for you. Bring some passion into the bedroom. Take care of her first if you know what i mean. You don't have to be experienced to know what makes her toes wiggle.

 

Also I wouldn't even tell her about your small lie. I can't see any good coming out of it and it is a lie from years ago.

 

thank you george after putting a lot of thought into this i think your right and as much as it sucks how things have occurred i think its my responsibility to keep this one to myself.