Attempting to find happiness in myself

[Konzy]

Hello to all.

 

Looks like you have a great set of forums here and I look forward to reading other peoples experiences. Apologies this post is quite long. There is such a range and diversity to the problems I feel affect me living a life I'm comfortable with.

 

A little about me...

 

I'm 23, male, single, 6 ft 2.5, slim, receeding hairline etc. I work as an IT technical support consultant in an office in Norwhich, UK - perhaps the most layed back city in England. I have a strange shyness really. In pubs and clubs I find it easier to talk to my friends and generate conversation compared to sit down meals or when in large groups of people just chatting in a quiet environment. I think this boils down to getting very anxious in situations where the attention can be 'right on me' when I speak. Despite being essentially the same thing, a rowdy atmosphere helps me relax and not worry as much about chipping into the conversation.

 

I don't have any close friends. By close I mean someone that I engage with or see regularly to discuss each other lives and just hang out. I have a small set of fringe friends who essentially drum up small talk with me when I see them and it's kindof a case of 'I know of Matt O'Connor' without REALLY knowing me....

 

I spend alot of time on the computer as a by-product of not socialising much. It's really tricky to think of something else to do by myself thats unplanned after a days work.

 

My ambitions also often shift dramatically. Sometimes the dreams are shattered by myself and something its external factors that I find hard to mentally recover from. For example I used to be into Web Design a little bit but found that to improve my skill I had to work out of office hours to improve. This means more time in front of a computer on top of my 9-5 day job and so I ruled it out in my head as not being 'beneficial' to my personal development. Ironicly I still spend a huge amount of time on the computer with no real productive output.

 

Another example not really in my power to control but still something I find difficult to recover from was my ambition to join the Royal Air Force. Painful shin splints and foot problems meant the training for it wasn't going to be possible. I have spent upwards of 700 pounds on treatment attempting to correct this with no improvement.

 

then there is the problem with my image. I'm very slim. I do posses the drive, determination and time to change that in the gym but problems with digestion and feeling dizzy upon increasing my calorie intake prevent me from doing this. I've seen the doctor and had a few tests (their may be a few more to come) with no real diagnosis as yet. As I write this I am still experiencing symptoms of dizziness daily and will see the doctor again in a few weeks time.

 

I'm essentially very lost. I crave friendships of which my personality doesn't seem to allow me to have, and I crave goals that I'm physically unable to achieve. It seems the two main componants of living are working together nicely to ensure my existence FEELS pretty worthless.

 

So far this reads like an essay of problems but there are things I am good at. Unfortunately this doesn't help settle me in any way as I also see the bad things in my passions. I have a passion for both laccrosse and dance and was awarded the 'most improved' title for the former last season. However to take my game to the next level I need to bulk up, which I can't do for reasons mentioned above. I also 'thought' I was a good 'hip-hop' dancer until I received some very negative feedback (I requested people be honest) about my style.

 

I've also only had one girlfriend which lasted 3 months about a year ago. It was me that ended the relationship due to essentially 'self destructing' from anxiety, addiction, and living a in a fantasy world. I'm scared of being alone, and had never been a with a girl before, so meeting this person made me feel 'on top of the world' for a brief moment in time. It then began to be an extremely corrusive relationship when the honeymoon period ended and reality set in. I put the break up down to me craving that special someone in my life to love to an unrealistic level.

 

So there you have it. Lots to touch on there. If anyone can familirise with any of that or offer some small steps advice I would be extremely grateful.

 

Thanks in advance,

 

Matt

[arcadefire]

Hmmm. Looks like you have a bunch of small problems, not really problems, probably annoyances that you find about yourself, that you dwell on about yourself. You should aim to fix these one step at a time.

 

As for close friends, these come and go depending on location and situation. I wouldn't worry too much about this, although you can attempt to find some close friends in some acquaintances you have now. Call them, invite them over, watch movies, sports, whatever to bond. Who knows, maybe you can enlarge your circle by hanging with them more.

 

As for finding stuff to do after work, why not spend some time away from the computer (I should really take this advice myself). Take classes, go to the gym, read, listen to music. Anything that you are interested in.

 

As for your ambitions physically, don't really worry much. A lot of people aren't satisfied with their image, and really it's something we can't really change (unless you're coming from obese to normal or something along those lines). Don't place too much importance on your image.

 

As for feeling worthless, you know that you are far from that! You have a steady job, healthy body, a network of people you can hang out with. You have a lot of positivity around you that you haven't seen yet.

 

As for finding love, it will come. Don't rush things, a girl who would bring the best out of you will come.

 

Good luck! I hope I have helped somewhat.