Nice Night With the Ex, And a Possible Realization

[LW4E]

I just got back in from a little outing with my ex and thought I would share, since I may have realized something that could be quite important, not for myself, but for everybody else on here looking to get back together.

 

Today I was in the midst of another attempt at NC, today was particularly hard because my ex missed yet another full day of school... and I just wanted to know why and try to convince her to get her ass back to school. After school I was hoping she's call or msg me on msn or something so I could talk to her about skipping, but that never happened. I just felt so bad like I needed to call her and contact her, and after numerous attempts to sleep it off, I decided to get up and go to her house.

 

When I got to her house I asked her why she missed school and she said that she got scared. For a while she's been saying that she's afraid of what the teachers will say about her absenses if she shows up to class. When I went into her house I tried talking to her about it but she wouldn't open up, so I would keep bringing it up every couple of minutes until she finally told me that I had just said above, that she's afraid of feeling stupid because of what the teachers may say to her. I told her that she only feels that way because she has a lack of confidence in herself and simply needs more confidence, you shouldn't be made to feel dumb if you are a confident person. She didn't give me a full or definate response to that she just said "yeah."

 

Later on we went upstairs to her room to watch a movie (Two Week's Notice.) Watching the movie was fun, and although I was feeling a little bit down in the dumps, we still had quite a few laughs.

 

After the movie I asked her if she wanted to go for a walk, before we went she checked her E-Mail and found one from one of my best friends. In the E-Mail he said that he was considering casual dating and was wondering if she would be interested in doing anything on the weekend. I wasn't offended by this because he has very low confidence and self-esteem and I told him that he should learn to talk to girls more freely. I told him that he should start with his friends who are girls and then move his way up to new girls. This wasn't a surprise since my ex is the only single girl he really knows.

 

So my ex comes out of the office and begins asking me questions:

 

Her: How do you reject someone without hurting their feelings?

Me: What?

Her: You're my friend, tell me how I would reject somebody in the kindest way possible.

Me: Why, somebody ask you out?

Her: Yes.

Me: Who?

Her: Who do you think?

Me: *Thinks* OOOHHH

Her: Yeah.

Me: Well what did he say?

Her: He said he was thinking of casual dating and asked me out.

Me: It's not a casual date.

Her: And?

Me: There won't be any emotion involved, it's just a good time. Plus, you know abut his confidence problems, I suggested this to him to help with his confidence.

Her: You told him to ask me out?

Me: Absolutely not, you're just the one he chose.

Her: Oh god... I have other people on my mind, Blake.

Me: So, I had other people on my mind when I asked you out... yo uhave to open your mind and expand your horizons.

Her: You had other people on your mind?

Me: Yeah, but what do you care?

 

It kinda went on like that, anyway... we went for our walk and I convinced her to go on this date because I knew that it would be the best thing for my friend. We ended up going out and buying candy and sitting on a hill together eating junk food while talking. I kept telling her that I would make sure my friend was a proper gentleman for their date, and she kept asking me what they should do, where to go etc. I suggested just a dinner since it's quiet and more personal, she got bugged out when I used the word "personal" though.

 

The date wasn't the only thing we talked about, we went into the past and dug some stuff up, delved a bit into our past sex life with each other... she even opened up to me about her sexual fantasies, she even told me that they were with a person I hate... I knew who she was talking about and I didn't even care, she eventually said she wanted to "shake" them though for she had never been like this before. One conversation that stood out was this:

 

Her: My hair was shorter in grade 9 and I weighed less.

Me: Hey, that's the same with me.

Her: You have a picture of me from grade 9.

Me: Yup, I found that a few weeks ago in my red and black box (I made a box dedicated to her.)

Her: Oh

Me: Yeah

Her: You look in that box?

Me: Yeah, but not since...

Her: I'm sorry

Me: For what?

Her: For all of this

Me: Don't worry, it's in the past.

 

We got up and walked back to her house, when we got to her doorstep she kept asking me what kind of hug she should give my friend on their date, and we experimented with a few different kinds of friendly hugs... she even joked around giving me a really passionate hug, complete with eskimo kisses. We must have hugged each other twelve or thirteen times before she decided which one she would use before we had one real hug before she went inside.

 

Each and every time I hugged her, I couldn't help but to smell her, nothing creepy, just natural breathing through my nose caused me to smell her. It was the strangest thing, the smell that I smelt on her was something that I hadn't smelt for close to three years. It was the way she smelt when we first started dating and it took me back, hugging on her doorstep complete with that smell... it was like a childhood memory come to life. I know this sounds like the creepiest thing in the world, talking about how she smells, but it really just brought me back to the early staged of our relationship... the "Honeymoon" stage, if you will.

 

However, what a realized from all this was... despite a great night, many hugs, a glimpse into a very wonderful past with her, and the fact that she was her old self... I began to feel like I didn't need her as much. I felt like I just wanted to be her friend, and nothing more. I felt so much pressure lift off of my shoulders because I began feeling like I didn't need her as a lover, but wanted her as a friend.

 

Then again, I question this realization because this feeling is also a sense of Deja Vu from when we first started dating. When we first started dating, I didn't feel like we would ever be fully together and was just happy having her as a friend. I feel like I have hit this stage again, I mean... it's the exact same feeling.

 

She was my first love, deep down inside she is a very sweet girl with a big heart, and nothing will ever change the fact that I will love her forever, even if I'm not in love with her, she will always have a special place in my heart.

 

A lot of people on here have told me to cut her out of my life completely because when I have a problem with her I have a problem with the new version of her... when I am upset or pissed off and come on here, i'm not upset with the girl I fell in love with, I am upset with the popularity-driven freak that she has seemingly become. I could never listen to these people because I know she is a better person than she shows most of the time, everything about her had been manipulated by a sick freak on the internet. She's a much better person and I know it, and that is why I could never take her out of my life.

 

Tonight I was able to prove to myself that the girl I fell in love with still exists inside of her, and that she just needs the right conversation to bring it out. All she's been having conversations about lately have been sex, sex, sex because she enjoys talking to a pervert on the internet. Today I actually had many conversations with her and I brought out the girl that I fell in love with. Surprisingly, I didn't feel the urge to fall in love with her again, and quite honestly...

 

It feels great...

[ftheunion]

thats good. smell is the greatest thing to trigger memory. your actions are in the direction of goodness. good luck.