Lonely...

[Caldus]

I realize that this site tries to stress that 'you are not alone.' But many times during the day I do feel like I am alone. The thing is, it is so hard to express my feelings because I have had emotional problems since I was a little kid. Some people may have similar feelings as me, but I feel like no one will ever know exactly how I feel. Sometimes I feel like my mother dropped me when I was a baby or something. I feel so out of place and out of touch of people.

 

I am beginning to believe in one of Murphy's laws: if something can go wrong, it will go wrong. Like when I'm sitting down eating with my friends, I say the wrong thing and then one of them mocks me. I realized how boastful I was being. I am beginning to believe that there I am missing some kind of serious element that is involved with having a good time when socializing with anyone.

 

I always tend to stay away from people, and if I do talk to people, I never open up to them. Because everytime, and I mean everytime, I try to open up to people, people just end up not liking me that much. I can tell, like when I was talking to those people when I was eating. As soon as I made a boastful statement, they all made the assumption that I was a goody-two-shoes type person who must always make As in every class (and I usually do). I realize that I am very boastful at times because my good grades and high skill at programming are the only things that I am good for. I like the way I am for the most part, but how is one supposed to like themself if they aren't compatible with other people?

 

What is the point of interacting with other people if you end up being depressed when you try to hang out with them? But then if you don't interact with people, then you probably won't get far in life (like when you get a job, etc.). I am just so frustrated and feel like someone out there is setting this all up (and I know they aren't, but I just feel that way when I am in a bad mood, like right now). They made it so that I will never be able to have fun in life (except when programming).

 

Someone suggested to me earlier that I get new hobbies, etc. But I don't like anything else other than computers and feelings. And I know there are people out there with somewhat similar interests as me, but I have not found one person who is both interested in the same stuff as me and a person who isn't a jerk all the time. On many occasions, I feel like a jerk myself for not being with other people.

 

And I hate this because there is no direction with this post. I am just letting my feelings out and looking for pity. I don't why, but I like it when people pay attention to me (again, I sound boastful). I guess that's why I always strive to make the best grades and learn as much programming as possible during my free time: so that people will recognize me and then maybe later on in life I would get some good friends and maybe even a girlfriend. And yet I have strong feelings that I will never get a woman because of the way I am. It's like I love myself, yet I hate myself in some ways.

 

Again, it's nearly impossible for me to describe the thoughts swirling through my head all of the time. I am just very frustrated and tired of having to always think of ways to avoid social situations when people want to do something with me. Maybe I am meant to just never to open up to people because of the way I am. Stubborness and boastfulness of everything is not allowing me to break out of this emotional era.

 

(I apologize for the long post. I am just being blunt and honest about all of this, and my face turns red and I get very emotional every time I let out my true feelings, and because of that I tend to keep typing.)

[routerx]

You should know that I feel like you do. I work with computer networks and achieved CCIE certification, which makes people say, "This guy better be good." In a way, I'm very alone. I don't mind being alone, because I like who I am, I just don't understand why people don't come to me and be my friend.

 

I have been figuring it out lately. You (and me), we have to make an effort. What we GIVE is what we will GET BACK.

 

So instead of sitting at a table trying to make friends, be a VOLUNTEER for a school (maybe in programming) or a foundation.

 

You see, I always got good grades and expected people to follow me wherever I went. I was always a leader. The fact is, most people are more giving than that and spend their time giving it to others, not worshiping me! I was selfish.

 

Give your time away to someone who needs it and you'll find your place.

[ebenezer]

I think you just need a good laugh.

 

Watch more films n stuff. Ditch the computer. The computer isn't going anywhere. Most people I know, know nothing about programming .'. it's not a common ground.

[SweetypieEnlightenedOne]

Well, I think your problem is a little more serious then a "laugh it off " kind of issue, you sound llike your are going through a small stage of depression. Go out and try to meet someone in your common field, women or men, doesnt matter, just make some buddys. Hey, your first poster seems like a nice person to me, why not start with him?

Then you guys can talk and keep in touch and keep each other happy. Sounds like you need a friend who shares your same interests in life.

[Caldus]

 

 

Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post.

 

I just can't imagine myself being able to get something (other than some kind of brief recognition maybe) out of volunteering something. I want to help people, but if it is hard for me to make friends outside of clubs, then it will certainly be hard to make friends there. It is simply because I have different interests than different people. I don't want to make myself like something (of course that wouldn't mean I would truly like it).

 

I just don't know what to believe in. I just don't know whether it's worth believing in something. Because there have been many instances in my life where I believe in something and then later I don't believe it and consider myself stupid for ever believing something so ignorant in the first place. I'm beginning to think that I am simply a complete idiot when it comes to beliefs, values, common knowledge, etc. I feel like I am just kind of tagging along with everyone else with no solid plan of action everyday. At the same time, I want to become smart. This is just hard for me to explain. I don't want to fill my head with useless knowledge which will only be used to counter things in life or get a job, etc. I say it's useless because I don't know what is useful - I don't know what to truly aim for. This whole life thing to me is simply incomprehensible, and because of that, my emotions seem like they are trapped. I tried to make myself cry earlier to get some feeling out, but I couldn't. I tried and tried so many times (listened to sad songs), but I couldn't get a tear out. My emotions are just so deep inside.

[Caldus]

Well, I think your problem is a little more serious then a "laugh it off " kind of issue, you sound llike your are going through a small stage of depression. Go out and try to meet someone in your common field, women or men, doesnt matter, just make some buddys. Hey, your first poster seems like a nice person to me, why not start with him?

Then you guys can talk and keep in touch and keep each other happy. Sounds like you need a friend who shares your same interests in life.

 

Thank you for replying as well.

 

I just can't find anyone in real life that is like me. I am just too emotional because of my speech problems earlier in life and because of how I rarely talked to people. There are people who share a few interests with me, but they all end up being assholes everytime (I've tried a few times in the past few months).

[ebenezer]

I'm sorry about my snappiness earlier. Sometimes it seems so simple to key out the words in my ming without giving any thought. Please let me tell you something...

 

Fyi, when I was at school, it seems like we were identical. I used to enjoy only programming. Trust me, I understand you totally. After I left, I went to college (in my computing class) and found two friends that I can say did change my life. The time between me leaving school and now went through a few stages, and it did seem like sometimes it was a vicious cycle. I never knew the outcome would be so great, though.

 

Now we do a lot of other things and though I still enjoy programming, it's not a main interest (read my profile interests

 

You could join a Linux User Group, you'll find other programmers that would welcome you to their group, or in a local library, find other groups that you might just think 'oh, I'll try that it looks good'

 

Apologies again, I promise to be nicer, I will make it my new years resolution. (starting from today instead)

 

Best regards and hope it turns out best for you both (and others)

[ebenezer]

Sorry for posting twice in a row, but I see now that you said you can't find anyone like you, my friends are not like me either. Of my friends, I am the most programmer-type. For me, it was the range of interests that I had.

 

Another point about having similar interests is that back in school, programming was such a major hobby for me that it 'hid' my other interests and I forgot I even had them, just rediscovered them later, and it seems you are very much like how I used to feel in school, then we can't be that different.

 

It matters to me that you do find some good friends, that way you will be led onto other interests that you might find just as enjoyable as programming if not more!

[Slain67]

Believe it or not, but I'm EXACTLY like you. I also enjoy computer programming. In fact, I plan to major in computer science and become a computer programmer/Web designer. I, too, I'm as lonely and closed up as you. I never have had a true g/f nor even connect with girls, even though I have lots of female friends. I don't really have advice cause I need help, too,lol. What can I say, life sucks...

[routerx]

A few have posted that your friends should NOT be like you. This is SO TRUE. My best friends aren't anything like me. I think they are my friends because they round me out.

 

Just an FYI.... part of being friends is learning things together and growing together. If a friend wants to teach you how to make pottery, don't shrug it off... give it a shot.

 

I think this is what life is all about. I for one don't think you are depressed. You are just stuck. You are trying to find the answer on your own... that won't work...

 

You know.. even if people laugh at what you say.. that's not a problem.. the problem is that you don't laugh with them! Laugh at yourself and they will like you, believe me.