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almost one year later...after a 9 year relationship came to an end

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And sadly, I feel the same and am as in love with him as the day we ended it. My head knows that it's probably the right thing as the red flags were there, but still my heart won't settle for it. I wanted to marry him and I thought that would eventually have happened. Silly I know. But that's the way my heart works- I overlook the bad and live by the good. I think of him everyday- every few minutes if I'm not involved heavily with school. I still wake up terribly lonely every morning and my first thought is of him. Or of a couple of friends we shared who have decided to spend most, if not all, of their time with him and not me. I feel left out, making the break that much more difficult to endure. I also think of the horrible woman that got together with him a few months after our split- a woman who was supposed to be my friend (or at least we shared good friends) and whom should have known it was "inappropriate". They're not together but people are trying to hook them up without knowing it has already happened at least twice already. That's the problem with sharing friends with the ex- they try to help one but end up hurting the other.


We aren't really in contact- very infrequently as he is out of town a lot. This is a good thing as I don't wonder who he is with or why he isn't contacting me while he's gone.


People say with time, it gets better, but I have found the opposite- as time goes by, our relationship memories and our connection to each other fade even more- until I become only a distant memory for him and it becomes as if it never really happened. I feel that myself already. That's when I feel the need to contact him just to subtly "remind" him that I do in fact still exist.


I'm just so incredibly unhappy and just want my old life and all the dreams I had back...

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I'm sorry that you feel this way. However, he isn't coming back and you can't have that life back.


The only way to build a life is to LIVE for you and see where it takes you.


If those friends chose to not communicate with you, then why do you want them anyway? Its been a year, he doesn't need to be reminded of you. He has his memories of you and you reminding him is sad and desperate.


I don't want to come off as a mean callous hard ass, because I don't like that at all. But you are just wasting your life wishing. You won't be happy or have a life until you let go of the life you just can't have.


I wish u the best.

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Oh Shayna...so sorry you have endured this for a whole year. I don't have much in the way of advice, but I do know what you feel.


It's always different for each person, the time it takes to heal. I hope you can heal sometime soon. It's a rough journey, isn't it? Take a rest. Let your soul rest. Don't torture yourself.

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Shayna - Its not silly at all. 9 years with ANYTHING is a long time. 1 year w/out isn't long enough to be cured. Give yourself time.


Its OK to miss him, things about the relationship etc. But you don't have to give up on the dreams you had or having as good as or a better life than before.


I think its really normal to want it all back. People who live with chronic pain will tell you that sometimes, when its gone, its missed. If for no other reason than habit - doesn't matter tho, its still missed. Its normal. YOU'RE normal.


Keep moving forward. It'll keep getting better.

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Nine years is a long time to be with someone, so it will take a while to get over it. But you have to recognize that the person you need to fight for is YOU and your own happy life.


It becomes like obsessing about a house you wanted to buy but didn't get, or a car you wanted and didn't get. You are only hurting yourself by living in the past and not recognizing you have your whole life in front of you and can and will find someone else to fill the void you feel with his loss, but will only do so if you complete the grieving process and move on.


Sadly, nothing in life is totally secure or guaranteed, and you need to accept this. But on the positive side, there is a whole world full of people who could make you happy if you decide happiness is what you want.


Sometimes the stress of a breakup can tip you into a clinical depression, and if you are still getting worse every day, you might need to see a doctor to get a prescription to help you get back your zing and enjoyment of life. Everything seems impossible when depresssed, so visit a doctor and see if you can get some help to kick you out of this rut and move you on towards happiness.

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I am going to advise the exact OPPOSITE and hope it is in the best interest of the poster.


Contact him. Find out if he still feels the same way. Maybe he's feeling the same way that you are but doesn't know how to approach it. If he doesn't, then you really must move on, but at least you'll know. I would recommend seek out counseling because you are obsessing over this and like the above poster said, you appear to be depressed. I also think you're anxiety-ridden, because you're obsessing over this situation. I have anxiety and obsess over anything that happens in my life that is negative and it zaps you of a lot of energy and takes the joy out of life. There's no need for it. Go see if you can get help at a free clinic if you don't have insurance.


But, what exactly happened? Why did things end? If I know some basic details then I might not recommend contacting him.

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