babysunshine Posted May 16, 2008 Share Posted May 16, 2008 So.. I consider myself to be a strong person. I truly, truly do. When I first met this man, I was 18, sassy, confident, and happy. He told me the first time he saw me I was the one for him. I was everything he ever wanted. His Brazilian Princess is what he called me. We were blissfully in love. Lived together for two years. He moved away for his career and we had the past two years be long distance. It was hard for both of us but we pulled through. When I noticed him pulling a way, I pressured. I pressured to move to where he was. Irritational demands because I'm still in school and he lives in another state. A year is when the downwards spiral began. I became insecure and picked fights. I gained weight, I demanded to know about the future... It put so much stress on the relationship that he eventually broke up with me this february. Since then I have truly been a mess. But at first I was in denial. The thought of us truly being over was and is something foreign to me. All I can think about is he just needs space, he is going through a "phase". I am 23, he is 26. He says he doesnt want to be in a relationship. He wants to answer to no one. He says the fights made him emotionally exhausted and he doesnt ever want that again. We met up two months ago and he cried, I cried, it was a mess. The latest is that he came out here for the weekend and it was jst like old times. No talk about "us". We visited his parents, went out dancing, explored the parks and muesems in san francisco. He said I love you multiple times. He claims I still am the woman of his dreams and that he knows he might be making a mistake but he wants to heal and move on. He says he doesnt want to date anyone let alone date someone seriously for a long, long time to come. HOW DO I TELL MYSELF THAT THIS IS NOT A PHASE? that he will not come back tome in two months begging for me? That he truly means what he says when he says he says for me to move on? It's been four months and I feel worse than ever. The longest I did NC for was 21 days and I broke it because I felt like I wold explode into a million pieces. Ive tried everything. Therapy, working out, going out with friends, new hobbies. Nothing seems to work. I dont think that I will never meet anyone else, or I'll never love again, the thing is he is everything I want. Trust me, Ive met a lot of people,especially living in san francisco and being in a long distance relationship. I have a lot of friends who are single and I do go out and meet people even when I had a boyfriend. (Just friends). No one I would even consider to be even half the man he was. Sorry this is long. I don't know what to do anymore. Link to comment
shygirl1212 Posted May 16, 2008 Share Posted May 16, 2008 Sunshine, you are young & beautiful! Ask yourself, what you are getting by hanging on to someone who does not want to be in a relationship? With someone who seems to me, is sending you mixed signals? You don't want to "wake up" a couple of years from now to the reality that you have been hanging on to someone who is not on the same page as you. I know you have tried many things to try and get "over" your ex, but healing takes time - and everyone heals in their own time and in their own way. Don't be discouraged with it - you will heal. He was your first love so it will be harder. It took me years to realize that my first love was not the "one"...years...and now I look back and wish that I had gotten out earlier (but hindsight is 20/20). If you and your ex want to work again towards a relationship, then that's a different story BUT if you are waiting for him, while he is on a different path then in the end you will end up more hurt. Link to comment
babysunshine Posted May 16, 2008 Author Share Posted May 16, 2008 But how does one know their first love isn't the"one"? I hear so many stories of people saying how they regret they broke up with someone only to see it truly was the best thing.... I know that is not a positive thought but it does happen. I feel like I've lived a lot of life and spoken to so many people about relationships and I truly feel like I had the best package. The sex, the companionship, our families, our values, our goals. Everything. I feel like my insecurity, my nagging, and my mind games drove him away. The saying "you do not know what you have until it's gone", fits my situation perfectly. I jst want to feel better, but I can't knowing I lost someone like him. =( Link to comment
shygirl1212 Posted May 16, 2008 Share Posted May 16, 2008 But how does one know their first love isn't the"one"? I hear so many stories of people saying how they regret they broke up with someone only to see it truly was the best thing.... I know that is not a positive thought but it does happen. I feel like I've lived a lot of life and spoken to so many people about relationships and I truly feel like I had the best package. The sex, the companionship, our families, our values, our goals. Everything. I feel like my insecurity, my nagging, and my mind games drove him away. The saying "you do not know what you have until it's gone", fits my situation perfectly. I jst want to feel better, but I can't knowing I lost someone like him. =( Fair enough Sunshine, but how can you be with someone who does not want to be in a relationship? You know, when people break up, they tend to focus on the good and marginalize on the "bad", or what drove the couple apart in the first place. AND of course, we usually tend to blame ourselves: "if only I had..." and "if only I hadn't..." No one is perfect, your ex isn't and neither are you and of course, neither am I. Everyone will make mistakes, and this is true of people in relationships - people will make mistakes. So maybe you have also made mistakes BUT does that mean that this was THE relationship? It is obvious that you still love him, and are not willing to let it go at this point. What about putting it out on the table to him - how you feel, what you expect and have him respond? If he says to you "No, it's over" or "I don't feel the same", then maybe you can also figure out what cards he's really playing... It seems like you are not quite satisfied that the relationship is over and until you get the "answers", which will have to come from him, you may never be at peace. So, what are your thoughts on approaching him and laying it out on the table? Do you think that if you did this - whatever his response/reaction, it would bring clarity to you either way? Link to comment
babysunshine Posted May 16, 2008 Author Share Posted May 16, 2008 The thing is I already have, and he has been more than willing to explain. He says the past year he was miserable. (and righteously so... ) The fighting, the pressure, the strain was too much. He says he loves me more than anything in the world but he wants to enjoy life and not deal with the stress of a relationship. His job is very stressful and time consuming and he told me if I did give us another chance I would be the worst boyfriend ever because my heart is not in it. He toldme it wasnt fair to me or to him... Hispoints are valid and that is what makes it hard. I told himI could change which I have been through therapy and support. He said it didnt matter because at this point he just DOES NOT WANT A REALTIONSHIP, even if angelie jolie came and begged him to date her he says...... The cards are laid out. I am in just huge denial I need to do NC but it hurts me so so so so much. Link to comment
shygirl1212 Posted May 16, 2008 Share Posted May 16, 2008 Sorry, I didn't get all that from your original post BUT you're absolutely right, you have laid it all out there and you have received his response and even though you know it is time to let go, it is difficult to. It is a process, and you will go through a range of emotions BUT at some point, and somehow, you will need to reconcile your feelings with reality (that at this point in your life, a relationship with your ex is not possible). I think you would be doing yourself a disservice by hanging on to something that you know cannot be...this would be unfair to you...I'm not saying "hurry up, do NC...move on" - you will have to do this in your own time (and with a bit of support from us to continue your NC). Link to comment
shygirl1212 Posted May 16, 2008 Share Posted May 16, 2008 I'm off to bed sunshine...I can't believe I went the past 2 days without doing any NC (and not very tempted to break it)... each day will be a battle but I hope it I make it out on the other end strong! Chat with you soon Sunshine! Sara ~hugs~ Link to comment
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