just don't get my best friend.....

[missingapartofme]

Hi everyone. I hope that this doesn't get to be to long. My best friend is gay and I am a female. This post has to do with our friendship and I hope I am posting in the right spot. Anyway, my friend has been in a serious relationship for over a year now. They live together.

 

My dilemma is that my friend and I used to do alot of things together before this relationship started. I accepted the fact that he wouldn't be spending as much time hanging around with me etc....I don't trust many people and I don't like having a big circle of friends. Well over the past year I have gone thru alot of changes myself, got divorced lost my house etc... My friend during this time I would ask him to do things with me and he always had some sort of excuse not to be able to go. Also he was on two bowling leagues with his partner and kept saying that I should come up to bowling, but whenever I would bring it up after awhile there was always some excuse as to why he didn't think it was a good day for that. Which of course really hurt my feelings. I have been really lonely thru all the things that have happened to me and just wanted to be around my friend. Is that so bad?

 

When we talk I wonder sometimes if he is trying to get me to say something about I want to do that or go here etc. Such like he will say things like we went to dinner here or we did this or we went to the bar or we bought this etc.... Things we used to do or think about doing. Yes i am jealous because i feel like i have lost my best friend. But the thing is if i say that oh i wanted to do that with you I get the silent treatment because he doesn't want to deal with it. But when the shoe is on the other foot he doesn't like it. He wills say something like oh that person is taking my place now... I just don't get it. Doest he feel guilty about not doing so much with me anymore, we barely hang out anymore and I really miss his companionship. I know his partner doesn't like the fact that we are really close. Is he having conflicting feelings on who he wants to hang with sometimes... I just don't understand it. If i go and do something with another friend its almost a federal case. It sometimes seems like I am supposed to wait around for him to be tired of being around his partner all the time.

 

I'm sorry I am probably leaving out some details but I didn't want to make it to long and detailed. I apologize for that. Any insight would be very helpful.

[DJG]

missingapartofme, it's extremely hard to analyze properly when i can gather only bits and pieces out of whole story which has happened throughout years.

I think there's not just one "He doesn't want to go out with me because..." Looks like it's, indeed, capitalizes on his "new" relationship which, in a way, replaced your old friendship.

Somehow i get a feeling that his "smart ass" wants it all: a boyfriend, career stuff and you as a free schedule time filler!

What i don't like the most is: two of you can't even agree on meetings.Basically, it's not a healthy relationship if one out of two became unavailable OR only available by his schedule.As for me, i'm not a mistress that one can call in the middle of the night to hang out.

I think that your own points are, at least partially, most truthful answer.All i would need to decide for myself is: where it supposed to go from here?Am i willing to have honest chat with him or just gonna agree on his terms?Is this friendship still worth to continue?It's your time to make a move.Wish you luck.

[trying2forget]

You need to sit down for coffee and talk to him about it. Tell him to make time: He's your best friend! Tell him how you feel and that you're hurt. The main part here is to tell him how you FEEL. And that you miss him (if you do).

Also, make sure you tell him that you're supportive of his relationship, etc, so that he doesn't think that you're trying to take him away from his partner.

Anyway, good luck!

[missingapartofme]

Thanks for the input. We are going to hang out on Thursday for awhile. I will see how things go. I really miss him alot. I understand relationships and all that but I think that besides a love relationship your friend relationships also need to be worked on and maintained. I know he cares about me and all that but sometimes it really hurts to know that yes I definitely feel replaced. I shouldn't feel that way. If he didn't want to be friends with me I know he wouldn't be around. I know him well enough to know that.

[Excalibur]

Watch a few episodes of Will and Grace - and realize that if you want this lifestyle- when oneo of you has a mate, the other one won't be threatened by it due to the sexual preference, but like anything else - tehre's only 24 hours in a day, and "X" amount of energy in a body.

 

What they spend with the other person - can't be spent with/on you....after a period of time you might try getting yourself included so that you can become a 3-some on occasion - just not in bed.