When is it too late? Damage from "Late NC"

[uk_incoming]

Ok,

 

I'm not gonna re-post what I wrote in the "break-up" section. This is really a question to compliment the advice I've been given.

 

When is it too late to instigate no contact?

 

This question is in the context of reconcilliation and them missing you. With regards to healing yourself, it's never too late.

 

I have only just started NC after a month of being apart. She dumped me due to her depressive state and she claimed she "didn't feel it" anymore (the spark).

 

The last contact I had was Friday 2nd May 08, she came to see me (on my reqeust) as I wanted to put us on the same page with regards to the breakup and what the future has in store.

 

Her final words "never say never" - "I wanna be friends, but not for at least 3 months" - "you were deinfatley the best BF I had, but I just don't love you enough to be your GF right now"

 

This convo gave me the closure and strength to initiate REAL NC!!

 

BUT - is it too late? Have I cause irrepairable damage by not giving her the space soon enough?

 

What are you general thoughts on the damage caused by "late NC"

[Litgirl01]

It's not too late!!! NC is about you healing...not about getting your ex back! It's about self-preservation and self-respect! Hang in there!! xx

[uk_incoming]

I know it's about self healing, but people will also use NC to give their ex a chance to miss them.

 

The question i'm asking is....

 

Can it be too late if you have left it too late?

 

We all want to self heal, but alot of us also need to know the odds when it comes to the other side of NC.

[PushingDaisies]

Check out the thread about NC from a dumpers perspective, I found it really useful I dont think it is too late, and if you want her back its the best thing to do, but you have to brace yourself for the fact that it may not work. I want my ex back and so am trying nc, but have resigned myself to the knowledge that if he doesnt want it, it wont happen.

[pumpkinmoon]

I think if our ex's gave a damn about us at all then they will miss us anyway. The truth of the matter is though, if they're going to come back they will do so, if they're not then they wont. There is nothing we can do to change their minds, I learnt the hard way trust me.

 

The best way for anyone in our situation is to focus on ourselves and try to move on as best we can.

[Addicus]

To be honest, the more I read and reply to posts the more clearer the whole NC becomes. People come back to a relationship because they want to. I think what NC does is that it allows the dumpee to repsect the wishes of the dumper, they don't wnat you nay more so give them what they want. Then you just focus on your life. There is no magic formula, not magic time etc. There are way too many factors involved for it to be a perfect science! I know that when we come to this forum we want some magical answer. The truth is there is one. The real science is that the only person you control is yourself. Sorry, I will never post anything to give false hope, this is my opinion and it comes from a reality I have lived and seen others live.

[pumpkinmoon]

Hello addicus, couldn't agree with you more!!!

[Brokenhearted87]

I agree with Addicus

 

I learnt my lesson the hard way, trust me. You do not want to go down that route, mentally and emotionally.

[PushingDaisies]

Yeah, its the hardest thing to accept that you cant control the other person, but its so true.

[Addicus]

Hi SHOE..Hi Broken...Hey pushing, we all want to control the way our life goes. I have been really working on realising that the harder we work at trying to get what we want the more resistance we meet. My life is totally where it is supposed to be. Yes I have to do certain things, things I can control but I really have to give in and accept a lot of what I can't control. So, if you are freshly dealing with a break-up know that it is for a reason, that you will find who you are supposed to be with, let it all just happen!

[pumpkinmoon]

Oh I certainly hope so, I wont be jumping in with 2 feet this time though But you're right we cant control anything but ourselves, took me a while to realise this but I finally have now over the last few days and I feel a lot better for it. And I think as soon as all of you reading this realise it the better.

 

I try to see it as everything happens for a reason.

[emalkoc]

it is never too late...but if truly done right!

 

Good luck!

 

Eric

[Buttercup21]

hey no its never too late!!! They need time to think and if you are around them they wont get the chance to miss you!!! I broke up with my ex a year ago and i didnt give him any space! I broke all the rules of the break up game and i begged pleaded stayed in contact in hope we would get back together! We are still friends but its only now i have copped on and started to minimise calls and texts! I told him im mad about him but hes going have to make up his mind and that im moving on without him otherwise. Then i went 2 weeks without contact and he is already thinking of getting back together! after a year of wrecking hes head(which i realised was a waste of time) i know if i had sense back then id be with him already but we have to learn by our mistakes first! so no its never too late and it gives you time to think of what you really want! Stop now today..no contact! Take one day at a time and keep yourself busy and distract yourself! SHel miss you...wait and see!!!

[uk_incoming]

Thanks Buttercup,

 

What everyone has to realise is that not all people heal with NC in the same way as others.

 

My point being, if i thought there was a glimmer of hope to get together again by performing NC; it would make me a MUCH happier person. I would continue to go through NC with confidence & self assurance, so if in a few months time she DOES NOT come back - I will be a better man anyway.

 

People heal in different ways. I'm VERY egotistical, a bad trait, which is why I REALLY think im missing my ex. I know that if my ego is fed for long enough - I won't bat an eyelid at her. One way to feed my ego is thinking that because im such a top catch, she will not resist me after NC.

 

Buttercup, I'd be interested to know how your ex was acting for the whole time you were badgering him. Was he always saying "look it's never gonna happen?" or was he leaving you with glimmers of hope?

[Addicus]

UK..I am not really clear on what you are asking....are you asking if you should do NC or not? I know you asked if it is too late but in your last post it sounds like you are asking to stay LC? You are right. We are all different and different things work for different people. However, if you read most of the posts on here and responses you will see a big pattern about healing and NC. IMO people do heal using NC, but it's not just the NC it's about what you do during NC. Working on moving on and letting go. Yes, a lot of what we feel and think in the first few month after a break-up are involuntary, meaning we can't really switch them off, but to stay stuck in them is a choice. IMO people choose to stay stuck to keep thinking of the ex and dreaming about their return. So, it feels like NC does not work but really it's the person not working the NC.

[uk_incoming]

Oh no, I AM doing NC, for real this time, for my healing definatley. DAY3 now

 

But on the side, I wanted to know when it's too late to start NC, if it was going to bring around a change of heart in your EX.

[HoTung]

i think i left it too late - can someone tell me?

 

he broke up with me in Jan and we were in contact til march when he went to states - 3 weeks of nc - he came back decided he missed me but not enough to have a lasting relationship with me - we had a massive row and then i went nc for 24 days (during this time he did call me once and emailed me saying he was going to give me time and space). I called him 11 days ago - found out he had a meaningless snog ( he said i was being rude cos i never took his call or emailed him back - so he blamed me for his snog). he texted me last sunday to say he didn;t snog any girls that weekend and i that i don;t know him.

 

That was the last i heard from him.

 

i want him back but everytime we talk we argue - thats not good

 

Have i left it too late ....

[PushingDaisies]

I dont think you have left it too late Ho Tung. But I do think you have to face the possibility that your ex may not come back. Sometimes people just want to move on, as hard as it is to face it.

 

Go nc and try to work out the causes of your argument and see if you can work on sorting them out. But be prepared they may not come back; it has been endorsed on here time and time again that nc is not about getting them back, its about getting you back. Although, I have to confess, I am using it in the hope of getting my ex back lol.

 

If you want more advice on nc, SuperDave71 has lots of great posts

 

Good Luck

[PushingDaisies]

Oh no, I AM doing NC, for real this time, for my healing definatley. DAY3 now

 

But on the side, I wanted to know when it's too late to start NC, if it was going to bring around a change of heart in your EX.

 

To be honest, I think it depends on the person and the situation. The best thing you can hope for is to start nc to heal yourself, and if they come back thats an added bonus.

 

Ive seen posts where people say they have been doing nc for ages with no response from their ex, and others where people have got their ex back after 2 weeks. So definitely think it depends on person/situation.

 

I personally don't think there is a 'too late' - but that may be my hope speaking.

 

Best of luck

 

Katie

[HoTung]

Thanks Pushing Dasiy - yeah i have that hope and its that hope that makes me call him and then i can;t keep cool and end up pushing him away. he said i am trying to drive him away as a friend - arghhhhh

 

i can;t win

[PushingDaisies]

Don't call! Be strong, keep telling yourself its the best course of action. As I have seen some people say - 'If you aren't doing anything, you're not doing anything wrong.' The other day I really wanted to text my ex and tell him I missed him, but I didn't and I feel better for it now because I know I would have regretted it later. Stay strong! You have us behind you

[HoTung]

Thank you.

 

I have fallen weak so many times - seriously i have called and begged and pleaded - it hurts

 

Now we just argue everytime we talk.

 

trying to guess who he spent bank holiday with is driving me insane

[PushingDaisies]

It doesn't matter who. my bet is whoever they were he didnt have as much fun as those times he spent with you.

 

Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle. Know that you can learn from your mistakes and you won't repeat them again - its the future thats important, not the past. Eventually one of two things will happen - he'll finally realise you're worth it. Or you'll finally realise he isn't. And until then - you have ENA!

[Buttercup21]

Ya he used to say all sorts! If i was really annoying he would say never ever again especially if i did something stupid which i did plenty of times! Im not a psycho but i know when you are mad about someone you do psycho things so try to control that much anyway! I often thought oh my god it over forever and wed be back on the following week!I hate no contact too but try to give her space! Few days here a few days there! and when you cant help yourself and ring her just dont mention getting back together, have a normal conversation and you say goodbye first! If you cant do no contact then try not to annoy her instead! When i wasnt annoying he was a way nicer and appreciate more and saw the things he loved about me in the first place!!! Im in the same situation right now, im still trying to act cool, since i was talking to him last night im not going text or ring him for another while, wait for him to ring me!She is thinking about you and probably going sort it out but the more you are not around the more shel think about you!!!

Give it time!! But you will have to try these things first

 

1. dont beg or mention anything about getting back together

2. minimise the calls and texts

3. Dont annoy her

4. Be happy and in a good mood when you talk to her and be the person she loved

5. Take this time to think about things yourself

6. Keep yourself busy..excercise, go out with the friends, do things that make you feel good

7. If ye do talk about it and she says theres no chance of getting back together, say this Okay Im sorry things didnt work out, i respect your choice and hope everthing works out for you in the future, there is no hard feelings and i might see you around in future!!

 

That just a few tips off the top of my head think iv this wriiten down somewhere! i did no.7 and he was meeting someone else and hes not meeting her anymore since i sent that as a text message! like play it cool and act like your fine about everything

 

 

Short term sacrifices, long term gain!!!!

[SpeedingCars]

Sometimes it IS too late... what if they start ignoring you first?

 

I admit I use NC to get him back (while still sort of working on myself?)..

 

Anyways, I got my ex back (for awhile, anyway...) by just being casual about everything. The main thing is to act COOL and not clingy at all! Don't talk about other people you're seeing if you are, just focus on them and make light conversation.