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in the same boat again

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ok lets start with the long story.


i have been with this woman on and off for about 5 years, we broke up last year and i thought that would be the end of it. anyway during this break up i started seeing another girl and we had a wonderful time but things didn't work out so we agreed to go our separate ways. so then at christmas me and the first girl went for an night out and ended up getting back together we have been together since then and it has started getting stale again. we never go out, if we do go out/sit and have a drink she has soft drinks. i used to work nights and she always complained that we never saw each other at weekends but since we got back together i got a day job but still never see her, she is either working, in church or doing something else. she only really comes round for maybe 2 hours a night but then just sits and watches. we haven't slept together in about 2 months and if i say anything to her about any of this she just bursts out in tears and nothing gets resolved.


i am at my wits end and really don't know what to do i like having her as a friend but that will never work as we did try that during the break up. and it was a mess.


i don't know if i want to spend my life with her and i know i will be hurting her if we break up because i have already been through it all before and it was really bad. really really bad.


and then to make things worse the other ex is back on the scene and wants to meet up as friends. i just wish i could tell them both to leave me alone.

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sorry if im going to sound harsh but here goes ...


you have a second shot at this relationship and its up to both of you put in the work to make it better. you sound like you have done a bit of that re the job change. she has to try harder too. you are already back in a rut and this relationship will crash if you dont do something to change things now.


talk to her. sit down. think about the problems you have and how and if they can be overcome. its no use her getting in a state because you are solving nothing and it prolongs the hurt. maybe you are not meant to be together but if you want to make this relationship work then you have to start properly communicating.


by the way, re the ex. you have total control over that. it somes accross as slightly self pitying and weak when you say you wish you could be left alone. this could get messy. you are currently in a relationship with someone, and because of that, no matter whether its good or bad you have to draw a line firmly under the ex who has just ocme back. if you start entertaining thoughts of going back there then you muddy the waters and people will get hurt. put a stop to that now and address one problem at a time. your priority is your current girlfriend. speak to her and take it from there. relationships are not easy and take work. if you are both willing to do that then you have a better chance of making this work. you seem uncertain you want to be with her 'forever' if there is such a thing. you dont have to be. some people might disagree. but i sense that because of the general unhappiness your feelings are clouded. so you need to take a step back. talk to her and work on it. if you and her cant both do that together then perhaps you have to accept what you had is gone and cannot be repaired. then you might just have to walk away. i understand it was hard last time, it always is. at least if you put 100% into this then if the time goes when you have to walk away you can do so with the knowledge you tried your best.


its no use getting back together and falling into the same patterns. it should be a new relationship where you both feel lucky to have a second chance, and where you have addressed the old issues. that is if it is to work long term. i get the feeling you have lapsed back into this and now you are getting cold feet. if it is the same as it was last time it will never work. thats why they say its so much harder to start again with an ex than it is to start again with someone new.


there is only one way to improve this situation, if that is at all possible. and that is communicating openly, saying those uncomfortable things you maybe dont want to say. it doesnt have to mean an argument. be clear, be kind and play it straight. dont be overly defensive, stay calm, and definitely no accusations or guilt trip. talk about your expectations and needs from this relationship and allow her to talk about hers. and LISTEN when she does.


if you continue down this road as you are you will be dealing with more heartache in the long term. nip it in the bud now and be strong. you cant have a relationship where you are walking on eggshells. maybe she needs to see that you will not go with the flow and you want and needs a different relationship to that you had before. for BOTH your sakes.


if only are two of the saddest words. you have a chance and it is now time to be honest with each other.


good luck (and i hope i didnt offend). i just see as a stranger that you are both heading for disaster if you dont make a stand. doesnt look like she will. so you have to and i have faith that you will be glad you did.

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