Moving on after he left me for ex, but how do I steel myself for seeing them together

[Suzanne1281]

I have come to the conclusion that in no way would I want to get back with my ex who is still "torn" and "uncertain" about how he feels about his ex. I saw him this past weekend and am glad for it. I realize I don't feel the same anymore because I don't trust him at all. He said he wants to earn my trust back, etc, but I really don't believe him. It still hurts of course, but it's time to move on from him. One fear remains though...

 

We have mutual friends and will see each other, and that's honestly fine. However, his ex is moving to our city this summer for some academic program which he describes as her "last ditch effort" to get him back and that he doesn't know what will happen. I'm guessing that if they both want each other back, they will be together this summer. But this means I'm going to have to see them together as he and I have the same friends and neither of us are inclined to isolate ourselves from our friends to avoid each other. Our mutual friends have also made it clear they are not going to isolate either of us for this reason. I am asking for any advice as to how I'm supposed to steel myself for seeing this. It's going to hurt and it will be very awkward. On one hand, I don't think he will bring her around when he knows I will be out because he has told both her and me a lot of lies, and the truth is probably going to come out when we cross paths. On the other hand, there is still a big chance I'm going to see what I don't want to see. And god knows what he's told his ex about me to make himself look better-I've had a situation in the past where a guy who cheated on me told the other girl lies about me and she and her friends went after me.

 

I am honestly making an effort to move on now, and am looking forward to meeting someone new whom I can trust. But I'm just not sure how to emotionally handle seeing them together. Any advice from someone who has been through this?

[Litgirl01]

Uggh! If I was in that situation I would do everything I could to avoid seeing them together, even if it meant hanging out with different friends. When you get to the point where it wouldn't bother you (you have moved on and healed) then you can come back around.

[woodster]

I've been going through this exact situation for the past year. It's very rough. In my situation, I play poker every Friday night, and my ex started to bring his ex to play as well. So there are nights I have to sit at the same table accross from him for many, many hours. Its awful !!!!

 

The best you can do is keep calm and let your friends know that you are uncomfortable. (which it sounds like they will understand). My friends are very good about making sure not to let him get too carried away. Both he and his ex love to make the sweeping statements about how happy they are and what wonderful things they are doing this weekend etc...

 

The best thing to do is to focus on all of his bad traits. So what if he can be charming and funny. He can also be a gossip and treat people with zero respect. You mentioned that he was talking bad about you??? That's not good at all.

 

That's how I get through it. I just keep remembering that he lied to me and cheated on me (with her). He told me some horrible things about her. I'm sure he said the same things about me to her.

 

Just keep your chin up. If you can avoid them at all costs, do it. Even if it means having to walk away from the middle of conversations, just make a polite excuse and move to a better place. You need to think about your own mental health in this situation. Trust me, its easy to lose your patience and your temper.

 

Good luck, and feel free to PM me if you need more info.

[Suzanne1281]

Uggh! If I was in that situation I would do everything I could to avoid seeing them together, even if it meant hanging out with different friends. When you get to the point where it wouldn't bother you (you have moved on and healed) then you can come back around.

 

 

I don't really have different friends from him though.

[tangi39]

Can I ask how long they were broken up before you starting dating ?

 

Bottom line- Don't trust him. At all. I think he knows how he feels about her and he's just trying to let you down easy by saying he's "uncertain" etc.

Brace yourself. It isn't going to be easy. And at least you recognize he probably lied to both of you about how he felt.

The classic standard being- You tempted him, he never really cared about you like he cared about her, you were just the rebound, etc.

All this while he's telling you he "uncertain" how he feels about her-okay. Whatever.

IMHO, if he was really over her, etc. He would have said there was no chance. I do think him saying "last ditch effort" about her is very telling. He's calling her pathetic to you- and what for ? Why does he feel the need to bash her if you guys are broken up and he is unsure of how he feels ?

This guy seems like a classic liar. Honestly, I don't think you're missing out on much.

 

Take a deep breath- and realize you are worth more than this guy- Instead of focusing on "them together" concentrate on yourself. And once you meet someone truly worthy of your time and energy- I don't think you'll even be worried about them together anymore. And also, enjoy yourself. Go get a makeover, treat yourself to things you enjoy. Boost your confidence. Don't let yourself be torn apart by someone who isn't worth the effort of being upset.

 

Good Luck !

[Suzanne1281]

They were only broken up for 4 months before we started. The one thing is, he persued me literally since the day he met me last summer. I found out he had this girlfriend and didn't reciprocate. According to our friends, he was going to break up with her for me last summer. Then, months after they broke up and he was still chasing me, I decided to get together with him.

 

Thank you for your words of advice. I think I will go do the things you said to boost my confidence. She won't be moving here for another month probably so who knows where I will be in that amount of time. I'm sure once I meet a new guy, it's not even going to bother me as much. To be honest, looking at his cowardly actions through all of this, I think he would be too much of a coward to let her and my paths cross. I feel too like saying he was "uncertain" was a way of letting me down easy. His actions are so confusing (inviting me out to meet his brothers and then right after telling me he doesn't know if he'll sleep with her this summer...ew) that it's just not even worth the time anymore.

 

Basically I'm going through the post-breakup "oh but he's really a great guy deep down" phase. Blah.

[tangi39]

Suzanne,

 

I think taking care of yourself is the best thing you can do.

 

The main thing- Don't make excuses for him - You are better than that.

 

This is gonna be hard to hear but this is what I honestly think-

It sounds like he was just looking for physical variety with you but had no intention of being in a real relationship with you- and once he got to experience what he wanted with you- he tossed you back realizing he wanted a real relationship with his ex. And that he didn't like you enough as a person to continue dating you. This is what usually occurs in a situation like this. But he is likely to continue this behavior or getting bored, leaving, then coming back when the reality of the situation hits him in the face.

Trust me- this is NOT the type of person who is a good person "deep down"

 

You're not losing out on anything with this type of person. I can understand that you're hurt but he is clearly not losing any sleep over your breakup so why should you ?

I think some Girl Power time is in order- Do things that make you happy- Wow a guy that is available- Don't date someone coming right out of a relationship or leaves one to be with you (we both know those rarely work out) .

I think you need to build up that confidence, meet new people and get to know someone well before you date them. Then you will know a lot more that they are dating you for the right reasons - That he likes you as a person and not just as a fling. Keep telling yourself - You are worth it. You deserve respect. And deserve to be happy- find your inner happiness and that will translate into a healthy relationship. When you finally feel that you don't need a guy to make you happy- that is when you are ready for one.

[Suzanne1281]

. When you finally feel that you don't need a guy to make you happy- that is when you are ready for one.

 

That is actually my goal. Before I got involved with him, I actually felt that way. I was so happy on my own for over a year that I had no desire for relationships or even flings. I really want to feel this way again, not so that a guy comes my way, but because I was truly, truly happy then.

 

I understand the importance of not dating someone right out of a relationship either. It just seemed he was over at that point-he didn't mention her at all, etc. I have to remember that 4 months feels like a lot more time to someone who is single and happy than to someone who is getting over a relationship.

 

I need to go back to NC with this guy. I didn't believe people on this forum when they said this was the way to go, but it is. Because having that contact with him this past weekend put me right back to day 1 of getting over him. Hey, at least I'm learning from this experience, right?

[tangi39]

The importance of any relationship is to take what you learned and grow.

Yep- you are 100 % right- 4 months is not long at all- and the fact that he never mentioned her -says he wasn't over her- if you are over someone you should be able to talk about them no problem. Not all the time, but if you can't even mention them in passing, that's a red flag. And I think especially if he broke up with her to be with you- He should have made it clear that you weren't just a rebound and that he genuinely liked you. The fact that he kept completely zipped suggests that he felt guilty about dumping her for you.

But as you said, you know that now. And yes, I think you are better off keeping NC with him. Showing him you don't need him is the best thing you can do. If you make him feel like you need him in your life, he'll try to keep you on hold as a "backup" and you deserve better than that.

 

I am glad you were happy- and feel confident that you can back to that.

You never need to settle to be a pawn in some guy's game.

Do that soul searching and you will be just fine.

I wish all the best Suzanne !

 

Tangi