Looking for some guidance

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

When I was 14-16, I struggled with really bad breakdowns and suicidal thoughts. I assumed a great deal of that was teenage angst.

 

For the past few years, things have really been falling apart. I cannot seem to keep myself together. Tons of health problems, losing my best friend, failing school, losing jobs, stupid choices etc.

 

These things are just not me. Not having any friends (seriously. none), fighting with my boyfriend and parents: it's just literally killing me.

 

For the first time in a long time, I have had these really uncomfortable urges just to be gone. It's really terrifying me that I am still suicidal after all this time. I will often start crying for no reason, and sometimes I feel overwhelmed by how much longer I might have to live. (Messed up.) I see people walking around, smiling, joking with friends, and I just feel so empty. I am dead.

 

My boyfriend is at the point where either I get help or he leaves. It's understandable. Sometimes I am ok and fun, but there are too many instances where I am depressed to ignore this.

 

Has anyone had good results from a specific type of therapy? I really can't afford any of this, but I know something needs to be done or I will be dead. Any insight or personal experience would be greatly appreciated.

[15 Storeys High]

Your boyfriend has done absolutely the right thing in saying to get help or he's gone, especially if it's going to spur you into doing something. I didn't say that to my girlfriend and I wonder sometimes if I had whether she'd still be here. She killed herself in October. I really urge you to get yourself into some form of counselling and/or go and see your doctor as soon as possible because these thoughts won't just go away on their own. They'll just get stronger and I would hate to think of another person going through what my girlfriend did. Or another person having to go through the absolute agony of a loved one killing themselves. I won't ever get completely past what happened and I still don't really see much of a future ahead.

[rachrob]

Hi, it certainly sounds like you are going through depression. It is difficult to give 'insight' of a specific nature without knowing the sort of thing you are fighting about about with your boyfriend/parents as that part may actual be normal - if you know what I mean. But I can offer some insight to depression. When I was 14-16 I also suffered with depression and suicidal thoughts. I felt very lonely, had little self esteem, but thankfully once I got past 16/17 things seemed to get better. I then went through a very bad time in my early twenties, lived a life I wasn't proud of, disrespected my parents and myself, was disrepected by boyfriends, used by friends, was crap in my job, and basically just felt rubbish. I did not see a doctor and didn't really speak to anybody about it although my mum knew how I was feeling by my actions. This may or may not help you but at that time the only thing that pulled me through was crying out to God (shouting is more the reality of what happened), and within days the black cloud seem to lift, I can't explain it, but it really happened. A few months later I met my 'now' husband, lost weight, felt great. Life was not great but hugely better and certainly worth living. Went through depression again at 30, was bullied at work, had a miscarriage, fighting with hubby, and only way I can describe it was like a million voices going round my head at once, felt I wanted to hide away, or run away from everything then come back a different person. Doctor signed me off work and gave me anti-depressants, although they come with side effects they did help a bit. It just so happens that a few weeks into this I was going on a holiday which had christian speakers and I went to a seminar could 'steps to freedom'. Won't go into detail as I don't want this to be a preach, but for me this was a revelation and helped me see that I did not want to, have to , or need to feel this way anymore. I had write down everything positive thing and medidate on it almost, until it sunk in. It helped me see that my depression had bought me so low that I only ever focused on the negatives. I looked for the worst in situations/people, not the best. Anyway sorry for the long post, but wanted to share what worked for me. I still get the odd bout of depression, which often creeps up on me and I don't realise I'm depressed until I am telling my hubby I want a divorce - lol!!! Thankfully he knows I don't mean it and never takes me up on it.

 

I hope this helps, there is more I can say, but only if you need it, as the post is soooooooo long already lol!!

[just M.E.]

When I was in my early 20's I went through a divorce and got very good therapy through my county at minimal cost, my daughter has had good experience at her college. You have to search a bit but there is some out there, good luck, hang in there.