Depression

[_Asti_]

Not sure if this belongs here, but it seems good.

 

I wrote a post yesterday on my boyfriend being potentially depressed, and didn't get alot of help on the depression aspect, just mainly the relationship aspect.

 

Anyone dealt with a depressed partner?

 

I'm just almost baffled with myself because I dealt with depression as a teenager for about 3-4 years, and I thought I would be more understanding, but I've developed a "Get yourself better and move on" attitude because I know its a silly thing to deal with and that you can get help and move on.

 

Anything that you can recommend? Or how to get him to see the light a little better? I don't think its anything major or serious, just yet, but I'd like to curb this while its still relatively new and easier to deal with.

[15 Storeys High]

Does he think he's depressed?

[_Asti_]

Well, he did say "I'm depressed" haha. But wasn't in a serious sense...just in the 'my life is * * * * right now and i dont know what to do'

 

But I see the signs slowly but surely creeping up one by one. But I know he won't be into the whole talking to a professional as he'll probably deny that there's something wrong.

 

If I point out signs, I know he'll make up excuses.

[15 Storeys High]

If he's going to deny it then there isn't much you can do until he himself can see it.

[_Asti_]

No, I know that. And I understand that.

 

He sees it, he sees his life is crap right now, he sees that he's pushing everyone away, he knows what he's doing...but then claims "I dont know what to do" and ignore everyone's help and advice.

[15 Storeys High]

Why is his life crap?

[_Asti_]

He hates his living arrangements, he hates his job, he wants new friends, he hates his body, he got shot down for policing and he took a huge ego hit, he's torn on his future and if he's even in the right field of work, he's bored, he's unhappy, he's afraid, he's fearful..

 

He has the power to change it all, and I told him that. He's always had issues with motivation, and it takes alot of encouraging for him to even tackle the tiniest thing as of lately. And its very frustrating because there's so much he can do, but he can't seem to find to drive or courage to do it.

[15 Storeys High]

Well....there's only so much you can do. Eventually he has to help himself. It's hard to watch someone self destruct but sometimes it's the only way to get them to see what the situation is really about.

[comfyshoes]

depression is a cruel master. it hides itself so well form the sufferer. it took me considering taking my own life to finally accept that there was something very wrong with me. i have suffered from depression before, so you would think that i would have known it was creeping up on me.

what Storeys said is very true. he has to want to do something about it himself or there is no point. i know that dealing with a loved one that has depression is difficult, but seeking help has got to be his call.

[_Asti_]

I know, I know that very well. It wasn't until I hit rock bottom that I was able to get better, but I don't want him to get that far. He has more resources and people than I ever had.

 

I just don't know if I should be reaching out and getting other people involved. He's shutting his buddies off, when truthfully he needs them. But he sees himself as a failure when he hangs out with him, the once optimistic outgoing man that I fell for, is slinking away and I hate it.

[jraf]

Unfortunately, again, there is little you can do. Maybe it's time for some tough love? I found myself in a similar situation. I came to realize that all my supportive actions and assistance were actually enabling my friend to avoid dealing with her depression.

 

Depression is all the more insidious because it causes you to do all the things you shouldn't do and makes you want to avoid all the things you should do. That's why many end up losing friends, family, etc.

 

I too had to hit rock bottom before getting help. If your bf is unwilling/unable to understand what is happening to him (and depression is difficult for someone to understand unless they've been there) in spite of your cajoling, you really have 2 choices.

 

a. Keep doing what you are doing hoping things will change

b. Tell him that until he sets himself on a path of seeking professional help, you won't be seeing him anymore.

 

I know it's a tough choice to make, because a) is useless and b) seems heartless and means you'll be losing something as well (at least initially).

 

I guess one way to think about it is in the realization that, ultimately, he has to hit a bottom that is significant enough to cause him to act. Everybody loses in an untreated depressive relationship. There are no winners. How much are you prepared to lose due to his choice to avoid confronting his problem?

[_Asti_]

I don't want to lose him, and I don't want to walk away, not if he's seriously depressed because god only knows what would happen then. I'm not afraid of doing a little tough love, he sometimes needs that harsh reality, Im just afraid of where to step and how to go about doing it. I just want everything and everyone to line up with me so thats its a multi attempt in him getting him back on his feet.

 

I'm a very strong girl, and have been doing alot of stuff for myself and regained my mental health and independence, and I am stronger than ever and I want him to be the same, so for me to step back and say figure this out, I am ok with that because I am strong and well and I can deal with taking a step back and giving him the space he needs, but I just don't know where that point of crossing the line is.

[darkblue]

I suffered from Major Depressive Disorder when I was 14-16.

 

I attended cognitive behavioural therapy, and part of my problems at the time was my mother. My therapist suggested bringing her in for 'psycho-education'.

 

My mother was taught about depression, its effects, its symptoms, etc. Things were slightly better after that.

 

thereforeeee it may be a good idea to show him the symptoms of depression. In the UK we have a standardised test known as PHQ9 test.

It could be an idea to ask him to fill one out. But I suppose that depends on how approachable he is about the subject.

 

One thing that I can say for certain is that he might not realise it, but you sticking with him is a tremendous help. It's not the easy at the best of time but my partner is the reason I pulled through my depressive bouts.

[jraf]

It's apparent that you are a strong, independent and intelligent woman. No issues there. At the moment, you and your bf are not on the same page.

You have suffered depression, had to hit a bottom, recognize the situation you were in, have the wherewithal to actually do something about it and do it. Your bf, though, isn't able (or is unwilling) to come to grips with the first part. You, having been through the course, recognize all the signs and symptoms and behaviours.

 

You say he won't likely seek professional help and he is in denial and chooses to explain away all the issues you confront him with. It's pretty clear to me, from the actions you describe that he is in a depression.

 

In your first post, you said "but I've developed a "Get yourself better and move on" attitude because I know its a silly thing to deal with and that you can get help and move on." I'm sure you didn't mean the word silly exactly, but the essense of what you wrote is true: He has to get help and move on. The only way he will get help is when he hits a bottom that is significant enough to cause him to act on his own behalf. No one can know how far down that bottom might be for him.

 

You, on the other hand, have to draw a line in order to know where the line is. Is your bond with each other strong? Will the threat of his losing you jolt him into action? Will that be a bottom for him?

 

I truly understand the pain you are feeling. From you perspective it is all so simple, but try to remember your own journey into depression. Was it so simple for you then? Probably not.

 

You could try an intervention. Do others recognize and agree that he is depressed? His parents? Of all the friends he has pushed away, are there any who care enough to help you with an intervention, or have they basically tossed in the towel?

 

If you can organize an intervention, give it a go. But you'll have to make sure the line is absolutely clear to him (intervention or not). He has to know that unless he chooses to seek help, you (and your cohorts if there is to be an intervention) must make it absolutely clear. if he avoids seeking help, you are no longer a part of his life. Of course there are no guarantees, that may not be enough of a bottom for him; you have to be prepared for that and you have to toe the line--as much as you might not want to do it.

 

You need to be able to say, again "Get yourself better and move on" and add, "or I can't be with you anymore".

[_Asti_]

Thanks jraf, this is great

 

I didn't mean silly. As someone who suffered from depression for years, I look back and think "Wow, I lost my entire teenage years to depression when it was so easy to get better" I know how serious depression can be, but I know how easy it is to get help and move on. I want to say its not that big of a deal, depression happens, let's work through this and move on. I guess I find it silly in the sense to allow yourself to be this way, when it doesn't have to. Thats just coming from someone who was there and been through it, but I know its easier said than done when you are the one who's suffering from it.

 

Our bond is very strong. We have been together almost 4 years and have built up a beautiful strong communication heavy relationship. Our relationship is beautiful, and he knows I am there for him no matter what, and I know me threatening that I am reaching a breaking point, or that I need to back off, will have an effect..but will it be "Well, thats great, now I even lost her, what have I got left?" Its a tedious line I'm walking on.

 

 

His lifestyle isn't the greatest. He works long hours, or mainly evenings, so he doesn't really see anyone Sunday through Thursday. He only gets Friday and Saturday to do things with anyone, the time he spends with his buddies as is, is limited, so I know they probably aren't thinking anything of it when he says he's not into going out. His father passed away when he was younger, and him and his mother have an awful awful relationship, that woman, to be blunt, is brutal. She works 80 hours a week sometimes and she's on a war path and he's in the way.

 

So I am his main support system. I'm the one that has him in close contact for the most part, which is understandable for any relationship, so I would have to let these people know what I think was going on and to help me out a little.

 

This has really helped. Some of this behavior has been aparent in the past, so part of me wonders how serious it really is, but I know as of lately its been the worse yet. He might be able 'to pull his head out of his ass' [as he says he needs to do] if I show a little tough love. I am a pretty chill girlfriend, and he knows I have his back through thick and thin, so I don't know if that helps my case. But I feel good within myself to show a little tough love, and see how that works. If he doesn't respond and it has a negative effect and only makes the situation worse, I could take it a step further and get other people involved. Even just working with a few of his buddies to help me out, to take him out, respark some of his interests and hobbies and I know a few things I can do in the mean time...

[_Asti_]

Just wanted to thank all of you guys. I had the 'tough love' talk with him a few nights ago, and we'll have to wait and see how it turns out.

[jraf]

Hey Asti,

 

I hope it goes well for you and your bf. But do not forget yourself here.

Tough love is just that.

It's also tougher on the giver than the receiver, but tough you must remain.

 

Good luck and let us know.

[_Asti_]

I am ok. The first or two of the relationship [he has been my first and only relationship] I was completely captivated with him and just lost myself in him and the amazingness of the relationship....I feel like I am finally getting my footing back both in the relationship and in my life in general, and I need to be assertive and strong willed to a certain extent and not let him get away with it. If its true depression [which he once again said it wasn't] then I need to know if his lack of motivation and drive is a personality thing and brace myself for either learning to accept it or make a decision. Some of these litle underlying issues we have been battling with since the beginning of the relationship and its always been a problem, and its that that I have been focusing on and reinforcing to him. That with those issues I am hitting a breaking point, and I flat out told him that I almost feel like I'm back at square one in regards to us moving forward and taking the next step in our relationship, he has alot to prove to me.

 

He has done well for himself the last few days, gone to the gym, made an effort to get some stuff he needed done on his car, and he's going out with his buddies tonight and we have plans for tomorrow.

 

I'm just hesitant. I want him to do these things because he wants to. Not because I am telling him to. Not to meet my 'standard' to make me consider marriage, and then drop it all when the knot is tied.

 

He has thanked me many times since we had that talked, and I have reinforced a few key points over and over since, and he's responding well.

 

I'd just like to remain optimistic about it all. Thats what I need to do in this situation.

[jraf]

I feel like I am finally getting my footing back both in the relationship and in my life in general, and I need to be assertive and strong willed to a certain extent and not let him get away with it.

If you are finally getting your footing back in your life in general you need to be assertive and strong willed. Not just to a certain extent.

 

If its true depression [which he once again said it wasn't] then I need to know if his lack of motivation and drive is a personality thing and brace myself for either learning to accept it or make a decision.

As you likely know, it isn't uncommon for someone in a depression to deny the obvious. Unfortunately, the perception that depression is a sign of weakness, lack of will, inability to control is alive and well. He may believe this himself.

 

One reason why part of your tough love should include professional medical advice is to determine whether he is actually depressed. While you and I, having lived the nightmare can readily see the signs, many things share the same signs. By ensuring that he sees a psychotherapist you will have more information to rely on.

 

If he is simply an unmotivated individual I'm sure you'll think hard about how acceptable this is for you.

 

I flat out told him that I almost feel like I'm back at square one in regards to us moving forward and taking the next step in our relationship, he has alot to prove to me.

Stick to your guns. He is the one who needs to do the proving.

 

He has done well for himself the last few days, gone to the gym, made an effort to get some stuff he needed done on his car, and he's going out with his buddies tonight and we have plans for tomorrow.

Small but important steps

 

I'm just hesitant. I want him to do these things because he wants to. Not because I am telling him to. Not to meet my 'standard' to make me consider marriage, and then drop it all when the knot is tied.

No question that you would be hesitant - you know the pitfalls

Of course you want him to do these things because he wants to. I don't know about your own situation, but in my own and many other's experience, depression is insidious simply because you actually don't want to do the things that you should do and you focus on doing the things you shouldn't.

In the end, the fact that he does do the right thing is good, the fact that you are there makes him lucky. At this point, why he does it is not so important, but the doing is.

 

The marriage thing:

If your bf had a physical disability and you loved him and wanted to marry him, you are marrying a known quantity. You are aware of the physical disability, you have accepted whatever limitations it creates in him and the activities you share.

Emotional health is different.

If he is now depressed, gets the help and engages the things he needs to do to get out of it and succeeds, that is good. But what if, say 3 years after you're married, have a 1 year old child, are pregnant with #2 and your husband starts sliding into a depression again.

If his depression is endogenous (genetic) the possibilitiy of recurrence is great. This in itself isn't a problem but his actions are.

Will he readily and quickly seek professional advice, meds to get back on track or will he drag his feet, deny, evade...

Marriage is a partnership of all kinds of activities, but the contract is really vague. I do believe that it is the obligation of each party to maintain themselves in good physical and mental health for the well being of the partnership. I'm not even thinking about not gaining an oz, etc. Weight gain is okay, to a point. When it becomes a potential health problem it's definitely bad and does have a potential negative affect on the partnership.

I would have no hesitation is asking my soon to be spouse to sign a pledge that, should the depression recur, they will seek immediate therapy. The sadness of depression is that it is so easily treatable in most cases. At it's base level it is really just a chemical deficiency as are diabetes and thryoid malfunctions. I know this may seem a bit business-like and inappropriate to a partnership based, initially at least, on love and adoration, but contract's/pledges aren't a bad thing. Something to think about.

 

He has thanked me many times since we had that talked, and I have reinforced a few key points over and over since, and he's responding well. I'd just like to remain optimistic about it all. Thats what I need to do in this situation.

 

He has a lot to be thankful for in you, and of course you should keep optimistic, you do love him after all! Not being optimistic would definitely be counter productive. Always hope for the best.

[_Asti_]

Its not so much the depression part, its the underlying things. If he's depressed I can deal with that...there's just been things that have happened in the past, him lacking motivation, initiative, poor sleep patterns, etc..etc..that we've been through many times. This entire thing started off as it had in the past...so in a sense, I'm almost focusing on that part, not the depression and the more we talk...I'm more or less venting about the same crap that I have in the past and thats whatt I've been focusing on. This whole depression aspect is new. And I can deal with that...

 

Its just the little qualities and aspects that have shown in the past, when he clearly wasn't depressed, just really freakin lazy about everything..and of course its showing now more than ever. And if he's denying depression in this instant, so be it..I want him to know that he has to pull his socks up and if he's not depressed. Either buck up and realize that you truly cannot do it because depression is enabling you, or get your ass up and start getting your life back. If he's chosing to be this way, he needs to know that I won't deal with it.

 

I guess thats what Im struggling with, prior to this some of these things happened frequently. And I know the these of the past AREN'T depression related. So many of the past episodes are overlapping with whats going on, and thats why I feel so frustrated because I don't know where the line between Will being Will is, and when it goes beyond. So thats why Im hoping me being 'tough' will snap him out and realize I can't be doing this, or that 'Something is wrong, I really can't do this..."

 

 

I think what you brought up is significant, the whole 'contract ordeal'. Not necessarily for the depression, for his lazy and unmotivated attitude he develops when everything isn't handed to him. I'd gladly create a contract in regards to that, and if it gets broken without good reason, I have no problems walking away. Because I know I will hit a breaking point, and its not about the depression...if its depression, so what..I can deal with that...its all this other crap that occurs and right now it feels like its at its worse, depression or not.

 

Im not sure if its making sense. There's lazy unmotivated Will that pops up every now and then when he has a set back in his life, and then there's lazy unmotivated Will now, but just very extreme. So its hard for me [and clearly for him] to see the difference. He knows he's always like this, which is why he's brushing it off as having nothing wrong with him...but I'll know that if he can't bounce back, something is seriously wrong..but if he does bounce back and gets back on track, I'm going to have to seriously think things through with him and create some sort of agreement.