taking it to the next level

[wondering08]

I'm a high school senior, and about 4 months ago I asked a girl out for the first time in my life. We'd been friends for several years, but I've liked her for a long time. She said yes and we started going out on weekends. As I expected, it was extremely awkward and my conversational skills were seriously lacking. Over time it slowly improved but it never became great. This is because I worry constantly and over-think everything, and I seem to be unable to flirt. And it doesn't help that I don't have any experience with dating. But anyways, because of this it never reached a higher level than casual dating. For some reason, I could never be myself around her, like the way I was when we hung out in group settings before I asked her out.

 

Then, about 2 months ago, she decided that she didn't want to see me anymore. I was pretty depressed but I resolved to hang out with her as much as possible in a group setting, with the faint and somewhat unrealistic hope of something happening in the future. And to my great surprise and excitment, about 2 weeks ago, she told me she'd like to start hanging out with me again. On our first date after this, I put my arm around her and held her hand for the first time, but it was still awkward, as my actions were full of fear and hesitation. Now I'm afraid she's disappointed, or that she doesn't really like me that much, and that she may be rethinking whether or not she wants to date me again.

 

What, if anything can I do to take this to the next level?

 

I greatly appreciate any input.

[Antimonic]

tell us why you feel awkward, is it because this is all new to you and you've never done things like this with anyone? or even that you really like this girl so she makes you nervous because your so adamant to impress her.

 

ive been going out with my girlfriend for about 7 months now and im still nervous about looking good for her or saying the right things.........tho not all the time most of the time im confident but yeah its just something lol

[wondering08]

I think it's partly because I have no experience with this kind of thing and I don't really know how it works. But I think a larger factor is my personality; I tend to be insecure and unsure of myself. I over-think everything, and despite my best efforts, I am unable to just "let go" and "go with the flow."

[Antimonic]

ok well what you can do is simply tell her that your nervous and stuff, but MAKE SURE you dont tell her that she makes you nervous, tell her that your not really used to doing this kind of thing. thatll at least let her be aware of why you have not been very forward with her.

 

now about the overthinking, leave that till your deeper into the relationship lol, for now, just let it be instinctual! eg if she moves closer to you while your sitting down, then slip your arm around her and hold her COMFORTABLY close to you. if your walking and shes walking closely to you then hold your elbow out so she can lock arms with you as you walk, if shes cold let her borrow your jacket etc

 

it should put you more at ease, about the conversations, ask her things that you know she will talk about and will have alot to say on the subject, that way you can listen and begin to contribute and that will also help you relax. tell a funny story or two during the conversation but dont tell it in the middle of her speaking, noone likes being interrupted hehe

 

no im going to assume that she left you because the relationship wasnt going anywhere, so really you just need to slowly take things further, like the locking arms, holding hands, and hug her when you see her and when you say goodbye. a good thing to do is when you see her, hug her and tell her how beautiful she looks.

[Antimonic]

btw dont hold your elbow out so its in the way of you two or you hit her in the ribs lol

[knightNshiningarmor]

ok...here comes a bunch of key advice so sit down and listen tight....i went through SAME EXACT situation with my current girlfriend so let me give you a break down to whats happened whats worked and where i was stupid...

 

met freshman year in high school...believe it or not we actually went out on a date that year to see a movie ...both of our first dates...nothing happened and we were semi close friends mostly though high school...i kinda liked her friend and well she had a couple relationships through that time and so did i....when i went off to college be started becoming best friends and some time around Christmas of my 3rd year we decided to start dating...this lead to an on again off again relationship that lasted about a year...

 

WHY....why did it go on again off again...cause like you i was too needy...suffered from GGS(good guy syndrome)...i would do all the little cute things for her that most men who suffer from GGS think their women want...but you know what love is really about....ITS ABOUT BALANCE....when you start being over compliant and supplicating to her every need what you are really doing and saying to her is that...you are better then me and i feel i have to put you on a pedal stool to keep you around...and this KILL/SLAUGHTERS all possibility of chemistry which is integral for her to like you...so what did i do to change cure myself of my GGS? after like the 4th time she broke up with me a year later i decided to take some time off from her and reevaluate myself. In this evaluation i realized a few things

 

1.) that men have two desires from the opposite sex...a) a desire for sex and sexual desires to which no man should ever apologize for(secret...women have them too so its ok for both of you to embrace this first need)...and B) men have a need for feminine energy...thats all the lovey dovey stuff...the closeness...all that...we need them both...to deny either will ultimately only represent a half man to her...so you see...guys who are jerks only fulfill their first need and those who suffer from GGS only follow that of desire B)...but its about balance.

 

SO...you need to comprehend the fact that shes not just a little innocent princess...operative word here is just...cause yes she can be but you must also respect the sexually motivated women she is as well...neglecting that can lead to a relationship with no chemistry that will be destined to decay..

 

 

HERE IS ANOTHER IDEA YOU MUST GRASP YOUR MIND AROUND...first you need to learn to make yourself self-sufficiently happy not relying on any woman for that...the way i approach it is, yes a woman in my life makes things a little more fun and interesting but ultimately being alone i am quite content too...after coming to this realization you must also learn that as special as she is, there are many others in this world that have the capability to be just as special...thus allowing yourself to relax and not be so afraid that every move you have to make has to be perfect in risk of losing "the one"...because shes isnt the one, rather just one of a million who could make you happy...if you dont come to this understanding then your going to treat her like shes a princess and like your her lakky...and what princess falls in love with her servant boy...sorry disney has it wrong..hate to burst that bubble.

 

so after i took this break and broke of comm for a little while i went out dated some other girls...which i highly recommend...lose your vcard if you can to just to help you not be so nervous in general...and work on yourself...then allow the lines of communication to open up...approach the relationship like your the prize and if she doesnt prove how great i am by her actions then she loses the risk of losing me...you might be surprised how much of a turn on this si...and realize that when your holding her hand there is a good chance she wishes you were ferociously making out with her and firmly grasping her breast....btw im now currently in a relationship with this same girl to which she just took the train 220 miles to see me and is making plans to do the same later this month..i might try to make it up there this weekend but well see....but if you take one thing away from this post

 

 

....ITS ALL ABOUT BALANCE...LOVE is the soul finding its equal in another...if you cant represent that equal she will always think she should be in love with you but never really love you....GOOD LUCK MATE...and dont be so afraid to really go for it...age may mean you should move a little slower but not so slow your going backwards.

[Antimonic]

i.e. treat em mean keep em keen

[knightNshiningarmor]

kinda..just understand...if you want to do something for her...but in your head your htinking shed never do anything like this for me...then you shouldnt be doing it...let her know about outings with chick friends too to up the buying temp.

[wondering08]

I really appreciate both of you taking the time to offer me this great advice. But I have another question:

 

The last few times I've talked to her, she seemed a little evasive when it came to making plans for the two of us to hang out. When I ask her again, if she's not too keen on it, is there a way that I can persist without being pushy or looking needy?

 

Thanks

[Antimonic]

why not just show her (externally) that youve gotten more confident n stuff (like when you guys are in a group hanging out) just relax alot more, dont think about things so you end up doing stupid things but you have a laugh along the way, if it helps have afew drinks to build your confidence. that way she will see your new confident fun side and wont be so evasive in future, however if your able to be confident in a group, dont then become wary when your with her, still be confident an take the risks just dont forget to be yourself.

 

btw, afew drinks means drink RESPONSIBLy, dont be wasted out of your face when your with the group or yeah desired affects will not be reached