Am I doing the right thing?

[InDeepThought]

I don't even know where to start.

Me and my husband are starting to have some problems over his mom. (my mother in law). I currently have a restraining order on her because when she's mad her actions are just too much for me to deal with.

 

Main problem. She runs her mouth. She's ALWAYS been like this. She's a very negative person. Of course I will always wish her well and don't want anything to happen to her but when she's mad or in a bad mood she just starts critisizing. She doesn't care who it hurts.

 

Well she picked my kids one day and we got into it. (just a yelling match.)

She got me so mad. My 2 year old and my 12 yr old son are far from being overweight like she says but they are a little "fluffy". I don't care. I love them. The doctors say they are fine, have tons of time to grow, and would let me know if there's a problem. They see none.

 

She had been making "comments" of them being big or whatever before this happened. I do what I usually do with ignorant people, blow it off. She is who she is.

 

That day when she said that my 2 yr old daughter is going to be fat like me and my son is going to grow up and be a drug addict like his dad (her son) I finally broke down, told her off and pointed out her her faults which made matters worse. I know...I let myself get caught up with ignorance. But I couldn't take her anymore. I know my 2 yr old doesn't understand but I do. And my son was so hurt by what she said. Man I was pissed.

 

Anyways we left and she continued to call and call and call. She would leave stupid messages on our answering machine critisizing the 2 kid's weight, me, and even was so dumb to say that my oldest daughter can't even cook. (like I said, stupid and ridiculous)

 

I finally talked to the kids and told them enough is enough. They were getting to the point of hating her and so was I. I told my husband (who was in jail at the time) that I can't deal with his mom and got an order of protection so she can quit bothering us. He knows his mom so he understood.

 

After that.......life was peaceful.

 

Now that my husband is out and it's been 5 months since she's seen the kids. He goes over to visit her. She does the crying and the "I miss and love the kids" stuff. Of course.....he feels sorry for her.

 

I refuse to stop the order and allow her to see the kids. The only reason is that THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME!!! Me and the kids have been dealing with her for 18 years. This is not the first time she's put my kids down, or ran her mouth, or cussed me out. I'm just tired of her and I know she is never going to change. She's nice one minute then it's like she turns mean again.

 

Am I wrong to want to not let her keep hurting me and the kids? I know they love her no matter what. I tell them to always love her and keep her in prayers. Man I would feel so bad if something happened to her and I know that she left this world not seeing her grandkids but I can't stand back and continue let her hurt them by her words. To me it's verbal abuse.

To her......it's a "for the moment thing" and I need to just deal with it and get over it.

 

I want to forgive her because I know she's getting older but I love my kids. I refuse to let anyone hurt them in any way. Even if its by words and even if it means they have 1 grandmother less involved in their lives.

 

Am I doing the right thing?

[Excalibur]

Seems to me you need to accept the reality of the situation, and go based on facts - not feelings.

 

You say that she's negative, verbally derogatory - and it's denigrated into more than that apparently if a restraining order was issued by law enforcement.

 

While the restraining order is great, it has to be broken to be enforced....realize that. The law cna't protect you from her "intentions" - only punish her for her actions after the damage is done.

 

You'd do well to accept the reality that while it is not ideal, and is a shame, that she has th eoutlook, approach and values that determine her actions, feelings, thoughts, and words - she has them. You don't share them...it's negative toyou and your children, and cease all association.

 

Stop using her "services" for childcare and she has no access to the children, which really do not need to be subjected to her attitude, or her reasoning patterns anyway.

[InDeepThought]

Thank you for your comments.

 

I don't use her services for childcare. I never have. She hasn't seen the kids since I got the order of protection back in November. In fact I've never have borrowed money from her, asked her to babysit, or asked anything from her. I told her a long time ago all her job was, was to be a loving grandmother to the kids. That obviously was too hard so I took her privelege away.

 

Me and my husband are starting to bump heads about this. That's why I wrote the post. I wanted to make sure what I was doing was right. I feel it's right but I know sometimes we do things out of hurt or anger. Some wounds don't heal. I can't get her or my husband to understand that.

[Excalibur]

It would seem you need to be realistic completely...if your husband is against your stance on her - you and he are at war - and she's not the cause, she's just the catalyst that lets you know that you and he don't share values, standards, goals, and priorities - at least as parents.

 

So the question is not "what to do about her".....it's more in your house than that.

 

It's can he and I come to terms and some workable arrangement for us as a couple?

 

Before you attempt it - determine if it's more important to you as a person - to be a good partner...or a good parent.

 

Becuase the two are in conflict in your situation as you describe it.

 

To you, a good parent would not subject their children to this influence. To him, that's not his views, as he doesn't view the situationas negative - he views you as unreasonable and uncooperative.

 

So youo can't be his version of "good partner"- while you be your view of "good parent'.

 

Make sure you know which priority you put first - as you go forward iwth communication about whther you as a couple can come to terms on this topic.

[Hellzapoppin]

Am I doing the right thing?

 

You are absolutely doing the right thing. It is a mother's instinct to protect her children from harm! You are doing your job.

 

Listen, NO ONE WILL HURT MY KIDS IF I HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT.....I don't care "who" they are --- if they are grandma, grandpa, niece, nephew, cousin....being "family" doesn't give anyone the RIGHT to verbally abuse your kids!

 

Please, please do not ignore your instincts and start letting her see them!