ATLstudent Posted March 26, 2008 Share Posted March 26, 2008 I love a girl, ran from her back in the day, see my sexuality is uncertain, i've had trouble with girls before her so i avoided her to begin with, like all other girls in my life, I feared from self exploration I wouldn't get excited with a girl, so it didn't workout back then even though she liked me so much, this kept on for years. Since we've kept a friendship, all of this totals six years. Well it hurts me so badly when i see her, she doesn't hurt me herself or try to. the thing is I see a girl I could've fallen deeply with and had an amazing relationship all these years with but couldn't and can't, but im not sure if i can;t. Ive battled with my sexuality i dont know where it lies but i've try to runaway from life to start a new one, tried to accept i was gay or bi, tried to live a straight life which i desire, I dont and have never desired to have a relationship with a man. I feel like my soul, emotional side is straight and wants everything in my power to be with this angel of a girl, but my sexuality won't let me, its makes it hard , becuase I have a hard time getting excited with them so theres a major void in our connection. Anyway the way i feel about this person i know will always be there, i know i will never feel the exact same about anyone else i do as her, becuase she is so characteric and so is the way i feel about her, i love her for her, her individuality will never be found else where so i will never love someone the same. I want to remain in a relationship with her, but now its a friendship, and it hurts because whenever i see her all this stuff hits me at once, its like i cant see her becuase when i do i see how much i love but cant be with her. I think my Love may have a chance if failing here and i think thats B.s. it shouldn't, I cannot live without this girl it feels like, i want to end it, seriously. Link to comment
arwen Posted March 26, 2008 Share Posted March 26, 2008 It seems to me that first, you need to come to terms with your sexuality. Could it be that you have a hard time accepting that you could be gay? You give the impression that you want desperately to feel a way about girls that you don't feel. A basic question is: have you ever felt both an emotional and a sexual connection for one person? Link to comment
Natty7 Posted March 26, 2008 Share Posted March 26, 2008 A basic question is: have you ever felt both an emotional and a sexual connection for one person? Arwen is dead on with this question. Answering this question honestly and searching I think will lead to the truths you seek. Link to comment
ATLstudent Posted March 26, 2008 Author Share Posted March 26, 2008 I have feelings for this girls, ones that I know are of love, in love thats is, but yes the sexual part is not there, although i find girls, her especially, very physically attractive, just when im there with a girl getting close my blood isn't flowing. Link to comment
ATLstudent Posted March 26, 2008 Author Share Posted March 26, 2008 I dont feel any attraction towards males, never had a crush on one, but i know that the fantasy of a gay sexual act does turn me on, but I just dont desire to be with one, i desire to be with a female Link to comment
Natty7 Posted March 26, 2008 Share Posted March 26, 2008 What were your parents interactions like? I ask this, because I have a g/f that is definitely not a lesbian, but definitely does not want a relationship with a male. She is 25 and she is still a virgin, not waiting for marriage or anything, but there has been no one that has meant enough to sleep with. She says she has commitment issues (kind of like you describe) because of the relationship of her parents, and what that basically taught her. Her mother bears the marriage (even though she should have divorced my friend's father years ago) and the father is just hell to live with. She is TERRIFIED of the idea of being committed to one person for the rest of her life, so she doesn't even bother with relationships. Could that MAYBE apply? Link to comment
arwen Posted March 26, 2008 Share Posted March 26, 2008 You remind me of someone I have been with for a short while. Like Natty, I will just give you a story- maybe it's useful to hear it in the search for a better relationship with yourself (in the end, you need that relationship to be good before you can have any other type of relationship). I met X at work, and we got together after a few weeks of flirting a bit. We were still students and working parttime at a lousy helpdesk of a bank. In the beginning there were a couple of things that I noticed about him, but that didn't turn into the 'red flags' that I can now pinpoint in retrospect. Kissing seemed mechanic, yet he was really trying. Later on, intimacy and sex seemed mechanic too, even to the point where he would make jokes about sex in a way that I really didn't understand. We were really fond of each other and because I was on antidepressants (and had a huge loss of libido), I didn't mind that he seemed to have little interest in sex. After a few months, we were watching a movie and suddenly he jumped up and said we urgently needed to talk. He told me that he never enjoyed sex, he simply didn't feel that kind of attraction, for anyone. For him, the physical act of love triggered a painful and strange sensation- the kind of sensation that sexual people find very pleasurable. There is nothing wrong with him, he has no psychological disorder or traumatic past. He is also not gay. He is 'heterophil' (he feels love towards the gender opposite to his) but 'asexual' (no sexual desires for either gender). We are incompatible because I do need sex in a romantic relationship- this led us to break up. We were friends for a while after this, and he told me that ideally, he would meet an asexual girl. He was in love with me (this is why your story reminded me of this)- but there was no sexual desire. He could sleep holding me, but not sleep with me (physically he could, but to him that didn't feel good). If this rings a bell, or if you are interested in reading about this, link removed site has been very helpful for me. Take care, Arwen Link to comment
ATLstudent Posted March 26, 2008 Author Share Posted March 26, 2008 Both accounts help, thankyou both. I have the exact same parental setup as Natty's friend does, * * * * * * * dad who doesnt care to talk unless complaining or barking orders, and a lovingly but overbearing mother who oversteps boundaries. I dont think I'm asexual becuase I know from self exploration gay thoughts get me going, straight one's not so much. But I can relate to arwen's friend because I strongly desire to be with a female in everyway but sexually its hard because simply it doesnt get the blood flowing, it sucks because its turned into a very different person i am completely down all the time, and dont have the personality i used to. Link to comment
ATLstudent Posted March 26, 2008 Author Share Posted March 26, 2008 does an asexual enjoy masturbation Link to comment
arwen Posted March 27, 2008 Share Posted March 27, 2008 does an asexual enjoy masturbation I don't think so. It seems to me that you have a tendency to have sexual desire for males. Would you regard being gay as something unacceptable for yourself? That would maybe explain your desire to be with a woman? Link to comment
ATLstudent Posted March 27, 2008 Author Share Posted March 27, 2008 I would totally except the gay life if i were attracted to males on more than a purely sexual level, and if i weren't very attracted to females on many levels Link to comment
ATLstudent Posted March 27, 2008 Author Share Posted March 27, 2008 its not the case though, i almost envy gay people who are clear cut homosexual and dont battle being on both sides of the fence that dont seem to have a meeting place Link to comment
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