question for the guys (mainly, any info is great)

[abnyc]

ok so i get the vibe that most of the guys here are trying to get back with their exes. I have a question, being a girl, because he broke up with me and i am not sure if it works the other way. I mean do any of you know of any success stories where the girl (who was dumped) got the guy to get back with her?

 

I am just at a loss right now of what my next move should be. I don't know if I should call him and be like we need to meet up (i know thats pressure) or if I am supposed to just hope to go NC (again) and expect him to come back.

 

I mean its been 6.5 months since break up. LC the last 6 weeks. i am just like, do I friggin say, hey i want to give this another try, clean slate, are you game to discuss it?

[Entropy Smith]

i am just like, do I friggin say, hey i want to give this another try, clean slate, are you game to discuss it?

This will not work.

 

If you want him back you have to make him want you.

 

To do that, you must not want him.

 

Once you've done that, you are over him anyway so move on, and now you've accomplished 2 things at once.

[abnyc]

i don't know how to do it. i have tried so much. so much. i can't make the break. i want to be done with being sad, with caring. i want to move on, i want to meet someone else, i feel horrible about myself that i am still here 6.5 months later. he would have come back already, i need the closure.

[Daria_Lane]

Have you ever gone NC with him?

 

Stupid me, when my ex & i broke up I immediately did the whole LC cos friends kept saying that by stayiong close he'll realize you two were meant to be blah blah. It wasnt til 2 months later when I found ENA and read about NC, did I finally tell him "I dont think we should talk anymore. thanks for everything". He thought i was kidding and emailed me but I never responded, 11 days later he was right infront of my office begging me to listen to him and that he wanted us to work

 

He would have never came to this conclusion if I had continued the LC. of course one would think with that, things went to be happily ever after but it didnt cos I made a big mistake and started making ultimatiums and well here I am still but really you gotta make them realize that you wont always be around.

 

I've done NC for 3 months after the whole "almost gotten bacik together" thing and only just started talkingb to him cos I called him for his birthday..now we have very minimal LC going on, Im not that bothered much anymore, if we're meant to be, it'll happen, whereas I've finally reached the pioint where I believe I can strat dating again, give someone a chnace, befor ethen such a thought was unbearabl...it's getting better for me now and Im feeling way better now than before

[abnyc]

thanks daria. i guess thats another followup question; to announce NC or just do it.

 

i wish at this point i had the strength to just take it day by day and stick with it. I dont' know how long it would take for him to even notice that I'm doing NC seeing that our interactions are sporadic. at least 3 weeks i would think. I never thought getting over him would be this hard. i really didn't. i was so happy, so in love, and if I knew it would be like this nearly 7 months later, i would have never brought up the marriage thing being so important to me. I feel like an idiot.

[GizMo567]

abn - Please do not kick yourself over this. This is something that you alone cannot control. As much as all of us wanted/want our ex at some point does not make you weak nor does it make you stupid. Any man who isn't willing to stick around for the person that they "love" is not worth that kind of time. I know it hurts and i know how hard it is to let go.

 

You will never fully get over them. As shocking as that may sound, you will never forget them. The pain will subside and the hurt and anger will also but only the good memories will stick with you forever. Go NC, you don't have to announce it to him, stick by your guns and when we calls/text/email/whatever else try to just ignore him. The only thing you will respond to is "I am sorry. I want us to be back together". And even then you shouldn't just jump for joy but thats a whole different scenario. Go NC. Try to stay strong as hard as it is and keep coming back here if you need to. Good luck.

[rapunzel]

hey abnyc -

 

You think you can't do it but you CAN do it. Everything you've done up until now hasn't worked for you, correct? Doing LC every three weeks isn't working for you, correct?

 

I don't think you need to announce NC. Just do it. If he comes to you, or contacts you, let him give it a couple of tries and then if you want to, tell him you'd prefer he not contact you unless he's serious about giving it another go. This is what a lot of people would advise.

 

i'm actually of the school of thought that if the woman is the dumpee, the best thing to do is NOT announce NC, just disappear....and let him come after you....or NOT. He may not. And if he does, don't jump at the first contact. Let him try you one, two or even three times...if he doesn't try you because you didn't return his first call, then you have your answer. When he does contact you and you speak with him you have to be light, breezy, upbeat and not talk to him for very long as you're heading out the door - but "hey, thanks for the call, nice talkin' to ya!"

 

AND that said...you don't go to him for the closure. He already gave you closure by breaking up with you. The closure comes from YOU. You say to yourself, I've had enough of this, it's been 6.5 months and I'm not putting my life on hold ANY longer. I'm moving on, I'm a good catch - there are a lot of fish in the sea and I'm going fishing!

 

Regarding what Entropy said, he's a guy so listen to him. People, and this includes men, want what they cannot have. So don't let him know he can have you. Don't suggest a meet up to try to discuss that you want to give it another try. You're just placing yourself back in the palm of his hand. That's just asking for another rejection. He broke up with you, right? Hey I understand TOTALLY - I was also dumped by a guy. And it's just about 6.5 months for me too - and I have to see him for work about once a week. It's not fun.

 

If I could disappear I would and I think you should. Tell yourself you're worth more than waiting for a guy who dumped you. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you're a wonderful, fabulous, beautiful human being who is worthy of giving and receiving love. Tell yourself everything is OK in your world and go out and smile at everyone you meet. Put a spring in your step even if you don't want to. Fake it till you make it. Be grateful for the things you have and write down 5 things every day that you are grateful for. This really does help.

 

It's not easy but you can do it and you'll feel SO much more empowered by going NC. Don't worry about what has passed - I am the queen of self-flagellation for all the things I said that I regret - and you know, EVERYONE says things they regret. We all have to let go of what has happened and move forward. What is done is done and the present moment is where happiness lies. So accept the past, look forward with positive thoughts for the future and try to enjoy the present moment. Let this guy go. If it's meant to be, he WILL come back. If it's not, he won't. But you have no control except to take care of yourself and your own heart. Go No Contact. Do it for yourSELF.

 

hugs,

rapunzel

[Daria_Lane]

when last have you two seen each other abc?

[abnyc]

we saw each other 3 weeks ago tomorrow. it had been 5 months at that point since we had been face to face.

not to put it lightly, but it went great. he offered to bring over the books i had left at our old place out of the blue, and we ended up hanging out the whole afternoon, just talking, catching up, and cracking each other up like old times. I practically had to throw him out, saying " i know you have to have other things to do today, lol".

 

i didn't hear from him for about 5 days, then he IM'ed me and we had been IMing about every other day for about 2 weeks. i felt it was safe to be like, hey lets meet up again and get some drinks later this week/end (this was on monday), and he wrote back right away that he had "lots of bday parties this weekend and wasn't available". i don't know if he inteneded it to come accross so harsh, but i took it as he can't even find an hour to hang out with me the whole week -- on monday.

 

i responded that it was cool, and we havne't talked since.

[Daria_Lane]

that sucks, cos if the contact was constant then I would say announce NC and maybe that'll make him think but since he's barely contacting anyway, wouldnt make much difference, a

Next time he contacts, dont suggest anything just treat him like a regular friend and dont keep him pn IM or the phone for too long, always leave when the convo is getting interesting, aka he wants to talk more and then tell me wat happens, you can PM me the results oif you want