Establishing A Friendship.. Very Tricky Business!!!! Heeelp

[Hunny1607307342]

Helloooo

i've been thinking about the way my ex acts around me and it makes me feel sad to think we aren't friends like the way e.g. ross and rachel were friends. I know they are fictional characters , but me and my ex were best friends for about 7 months before even starting to date, and truly loved each other.

 

Its been 4 months since the break up, and I just feel a deep nostalgia for his comments, his sillyness, the way we used to text each other (before we even start going out) and we always promised each other if anything were to happen between us we'd never ruin the friendship. But we have (well he has), and its quite tragic really... On the rare occasions when contact him, or bump into him, he's EXTREMELY cold and detached. No emotion whatsoever is present when he looks at me, or when he talks to me. And he avoids me a great deal!! despite the fact that I am quite the opposite- very chatty, bubbly and friendly.

 

Example- a couple of weeks ago when the weather was nice, i decided to go for a walk alone, and along the way, completely spontaneously and with no hidden intentions, i just sent him a text asking if he'd like to join me- i was sure he'd say no and make an excuse. But surprisingly he said ok. So anyway, we walked, talked, and to be honest, I was talking about 80% of the time. He was quiet, untalkative and cold. And later on that evening he messaged me asking him whether i wanted tell him something, or that I just wanted to walk. !! I just casually replied saying that i'd missed him, so i thought it would be fun. But it seemed like something really strange to him. he responded saying it was very " out of the blue, and he just came out to see what i wanted to say ". It did offend me slightly that he can't simply think us hanging out as friends is a good enough reason!!

 

Another example- upon recently messaging him asking how he is and whether he has this week off university, his reply was soooo detached and cold, all he said is, " I don't get reading week unfortunately ". He didn't even ask why i asked him, nor did he ask how i am doing etc.etc.

 

I am seriously considering talking about this and asking him to stop with this whole awkward act he's got going on (obviously not in those words though). Ideally I'd like to tell him in person, because it makes more sense given the context of the problem.

i don't know, its just so awkward asking him to go anywhere with me because of the way he acts. i dont even know if there is any point in confronting him.

I just miss him incredibly and thought i should do something about the situation.

 

Any thoughts on this ?! please give opinions

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

 

PS

if you need a bit of background info here is my current situation (its not long, don't be lazy

 

[Zeter]

Hunny,

 

My guess is: you dumped him. If I am right, read: dumper/dumpee long term psychology for what is not being understood.

 

Fred

[Hunny1607307342]

nooooo i didnt dump him

 

he dumped me !!!

[Hunny1607307342]

but he still loved me when he dumped me (there were tears)

 

but still, he dumped ME

[orchidrose]

Hunny:

Unfortunately I think there's very little you can do to "make" him be your friend again. My ex & I are now friends, but that's because we both were open to that idea and have each been able to be friendly and open with each other. If he's being cold and generally dismissive to you, he probably does not share the interest in being friends that you have. Some people find it easier to deal post-breakup (whether they were the dumper and the dumpee) by totally cutting the ex out of their lives. It may be immature, but for some people, that's what works. Maybe someday he'll be interested in being friends, but I can almost guarantee that if you push him into being nice to you and going out as friends, you will only push him further away.

[Hunny1607307342]

oh ok, thanks for the advice!

 

but do you think that his behaviour means that he is not yet over me? xxx

[Hunny1607307342]

ok how about if i tell him this-

' i just want to say, i'm not quite the same girl i was when i left your car that night a few months ago, but i'm not asking you for a relationship or anything, because although i know that i sure as hell won't make the same mistakes again, i have come to accept that the opportunity i had with you is ruined forever, right..? And in spite of everything, i'm just really glad i got to have you has my boyfriend for so long, i'm okay with leaving it at that, but it's just everytime i've tried to hang out with you as a friend you've seemed really very cold and detached. i'm not sure whether that's because you feel weird around me, or because you think you'll give me the wrong signals, but it makes me quite sad, and i can assure you that all i want is to be able to talk to you like i used to a couple of years ago and that's it because i hate the distance between us.'

[orchidrose]

Hunny, I really think that that speech will just push him away. For whatever reason, he does not seem interested in reestablishing either a friendship or a relationship with you. All you're doing by continuing to contact him is bothering him more and more.

 

Now there are two reasons that he could be doing this: 1) he still does have feelings for you, but cannot or does not want to act on them; or 2) he really does not feel any attachment to you any longer and does not want to maintain a friendship with you. If you do want a second chance and you feel like you'll just explode if you don't propose that to him, I would still tread very carefully. Ask yourself: can I be just friends with this person? Would that only make me want him back?

 

Regardless of your answer, I would be very careful here. It sounds like you are still in love with him and would want him back if the chance arose. If this is the case, being friends with him would just prolong the agony that you're currently going through.

[Hunny1607307342]

Aneffigy what you're saying makes a lot of sense. Thank you very much for the advice...to be totally honest i partly want his friendship to show him ive changed (because it was my silly behaviour which caused him to break up with me) and thus over time think 'oh she really has changed, maybe a relationship with her isn't so bad after all'.

 

ohhh well, i dont know, youre right though, he just doesn't want to be friends with me and i shouldn't push it. I wont give any sort of speech. Maybe if I bump into him i'll casually clarify that there are no hard feelings between us, or soomething.