How I got my ex back ...

[mentee]

Hi everyone,

 

I had no idea this forum existed until a few days ago, and I find it so helpful. I really wish I knew about it years ago when I was having relationship issues. This is my first time posting, and I simply wanted to share my story.

 

I was with my ex for a year, but we had a lot of problems. I loved him very much but was very unhappy with him for many reasons. We were both in medical school at the time, which detrimentally affected our relationship. We were under a lot of stress and reacted to things differently than normal because of the stress. I won't go into the details, but it got to a point that I was so unhappy, I had to break up with him. He knew I had been unhappy and begged me to give him a chance. I really loved him but felt that we needed time to grow and take care of ourselves, and I told him that hopefully in the future we'll be together again. We didn't contact each other after that.

 

A few months went by and I met someone else. I didn't feel ready to date because I still loved my ex, but the new guy was very charming and had a lot of qualities my ex didn't have. He also pursued me aggressively so I eventually gave him a chance. But after many dates (and nothing physical ever happened), I realized how much I still loved my ex and wanted to be with him. I wrote him an email to tell him how I felt. He wrote back saying that he didn't want to get back together but that he would always love me. I didn't give up after that. At the time I would write in a journal, and I had written with raw honesty about my feelings (or lack of) for the new guy and how I still loved my ex and why I loved him. I sent maybe 3-4 journal entries to him and got no response.

 

After that I began to move on and felt happy that at least he knew what I wanted him to know. One day, out of the blue, he knocks on my door, says how much he misses me and loves me. And we get back together that night and stayed together for the next 2 years.

 

We are no longer together now, and sometimes I wonder whether it was a good idea to get back together, but that is another story (:

[mentee]

While I'm at it, I thought I should post another story about an ex who wanted me back.

 

He was my first boyfriend, and we were together for a year. After he joined a fraternity and started to party a lot, I dumped him. A few weeks later we started to hang out and eventually got back together again. But 2 weeks after that, he dumped me, and he told me that he wasn't in love with me anymore. I was pretty crushed because I couldn't understand why he got back together with me in the first place if nothing was there.

 

The following year, he just spiraled out of control. He was a National Merit Scholar who ended up abusing drugs, losing his full scholarship, and eventually had to transfer to another school in his home state. I was extremely relieved that he dumped me and got over him quickly.

 

4-5 years later, after no contact, I emailed him to see how he was doing, out of curiosity. I ended up receiving a long email about how he always loved me, that he never meant it when he said he didn't love me anymore. He just didn't know how to make me happy and didn't think the relationship was going to work, so he felt that he had to say something so cruel to ensure that I would move on. He said that he changed himself, did extremely well in school, and is now very successful .. and he said he did it partly for me because he wanted to "become the man I would want to be with". Unfortunately for him, I moved on. The moment he said he didn't love me anymore, I was long gone. It's sad because I would've been so happy to have received such an email back then, but at the time that I got it, it didn't matter anymore. Goes to show that everyone can and will move on!

[KileOriginal]

Poor guy. (the one that worked to make himself a real man)

 

Just out of curiosity, is it possible the the good guy you dated but weren't feeling much towards was actually somebody good for you, but that your attracted a different type of person who may or may not be the most healthy for you to be with?

[ftheunion]

No offense but I think you were manipulating guy#1 messing with his head in order to regain him because of desire for private fullfillment. That is nice but I think it is all to easy to abuse emotions.

 

Dunno why but second chances just take up more time and eventually fade out.

[mentee]

No offense but I think you were manipulating guy#1 messing with his head in order to regain him because of desire for private fullfillment. That is nice but I think it is all to easy to abuse emotions.

 

Dunno why but second chances just take up more time and eventually fade out.

 

I'm quite sure that I wasn't. We both loved each other immensely and still do as friends, but thank you for your thoughts!

[mentee]

Poor guy. (the one that worked to make himself a real man)

 

Just out of curiosity, is it possible the the good guy you dated but weren't feeling much towards was actually somebody good for you, but that your attracted a different type of person who may or may not be the most healthy for you to be with?

 

I am actually really good friends with the "poor guy" now (; .. We talk almost daily. He knows we won't get back together but we are both very happy with our friendship, and I appreciate him so much. It's been 8 years since we were together, so long ago. It's like it never happened.

 

And yes I totally believe that you can be attracted to someone who isn't healthy for you and completely disregard someone who is much better for you. In this case specifically, I am glad I trusted my instincts with the guy I dated. It just didn't feel right, and of course, I loved my ex. Now, 2 years later, I found out that the guy has cheated on his current girlfriend of 1 year repeatedly. I am so glad I avoided that!!

[sara1]

Mentee, What are your thoughts about NC?

[mentee]

Mentee, What are your thoughts about NC?

 

Hi Sara,

 

I'm really no expert in relationships, and I've handled breakups differently with each person.

 

There was one guy who broke up with me after he had already met someone else. Emotionally cheating, I guess you could say. Perhaps physical too but I didn't care to know. I wrote him a letter describing the pain I felt. I definitely didn't want him back, just wanted him to know he hurt someone. He read it, felt really bad about it, and I never spoke to him again. Ever.

 

Another person I was with, who I was madly in love with, broke up with me because of the long distance. After a week of sulking, we were friends, but soon enough I realized I couldn't be friends and watch him move on without me. We talked on the phone one last time, and I told him how I felt. I told him that he was never going to be a part of my life again and that I'll treasure our memories. He was really upset that I didn't want any contact from him anymore, but he respected it. We didn't talk for a couple years until I went off to med school. By then I felt like I moved on (though I had a soft spot for him). We met again 5 years after breaking up, and I learned that he still had feelings for me. It gave me a sudden and complete closure that I didn't expect.

 

Everyone on this forum recommends no contact, and I agree. For me I learned it the hard way, torturing myself by being friends until I realized I need to have NC to completely move on. The times when I didn't want to move on, it felt impossible to have NC. You fear that your ex will forget you and move on without you. I think it's a good idea to let your ex know how you feel, lay it all on the table, then tell your ex and *yourself* that you REALLY are going to let go and move on (or at least TRY .. it's hard to do, I know, but you will regain your strength and courage by doing this). Then it was much easier to be friends later.

[lawofnature]

Mentee - Thanks for sharing your stories. Just a question for you particularly about your long distance ex that you said you will always have a soft spot for him and that you learned that he still had feelings for you. Have you ever asked yourself 'what could have been?'.... I'm just curious. I've been in NC for quite a while now after the break up 9 months ago due to the distance. I pretty much told him the same thing you did. That I will always treasure our memories but I couldn't stay his friend when I knew I'd always want more. I don't plan to contact him anytime soon. I know if anything will ever happen between us again it will be after a lot of time has passed and he needs to really sort things out. But sometime I'm afraid someday down the road (say 2-3 years), I will ask myself 'What could have been ...?'

[sara1]

Thanks for sharing Mentee,

 

My break-up was rather abrupt and unfortunately never had a chance to "lay it on the table" about how i felt. We had one stressful week and he called and said if this past week was any indication than we should break up. I was like, what??? He said i had called him a lot and was overly concerned about him ending the call while driving on ice. He said it was no big deal and thought i over reacted. Secondly, he thought i didn't seem that interested in meeting last Friday and thought i made a big deal about driving to the suburbs. Oh yes, and he may be receiving a job offer out of state. Also, He said he thought it was best since he didn't see himself getting married in the next year or two and it would be easier to break up now as opposed to six months from now.

 

This is all from a guy who i was under the impression was really, really into me. We haven't had any contact in two weeks. However since i thought he would have contacted me by now the last few days have been really tough. I'm now considering sending him one last email or call to see if he can chat. Was he just reacting out of stress or does he not see any future of us together? I don't know. I mean i never had the opportunity to chat with him after being blindsided.

 

However of course i'm concerned about doing more harm than good.

[mentee]

Hi Sara,

 

Boy I wish I could tell you how he's feeling and what you should do. Everyone is so different in how they express themselves. Do you know why the relationship ended so abruptly? Do you want him back? I can see why you're confused regarding whether you should reach out or to leave him alone (in hopes of getting him back, yes?).

 

Does he seem angry with you or has he been kind to you about all of this? A lot of times, people don't always mean what they say when they are stressed out or angry. They might mean it for that split second, but may change their mind when they have calmed down/forgiven you/etc.

 

Sometimes all you want is your ex back and you neglect yourself (not you in particular but in general). The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to take care of yourself. With the 3 guys I described above, they all still had feelings for me, whether they wanted to admit it to themselves or not. If your ex has feelings, maybe there is still a chance. Maybe he is suppressing them right now because he is afraid. Or maybe he no longer has any feelings and is just making excuses. I feel that women need closure, and you might feel better knowing the truth. You should do what will make you feel better. That should come first, before doing whatever it will take to get an ex back. Two weeks is still early and fresh. You might want to give it a little more time before you seek any answers. Pls keep me updated!

[sara1]

He said he wanted to break up for the reasons i mentioned above 1) me overly concerned about him ending the call and not hearing back from him right away 2) he didn't think i seemed interested in meeting last time and making the commute to the suburbs to see him 3) he didnt' see himself getting married this year or next so he thought it would be easier to break now as opposed to six months from now. 4) he was interviewing for position out of state.

 

Even up until the last time we meet-up he seemed really interested, nice and affectionate. I thought he got scared about the feelings he was having but then again maybe he does have the *privilege* of viewing the relationship at a purely logical level. If there is a chance he may move away and he had some recent disappointment with my actions in the last week it was best to break.

 

If waiting another week or two before making contact is best. I've got to come up with a better plan on how to put aside all of these desires to make contact with him. I know focus on yourself sounds good but when you head is preoccupied it turns out to be more difficult than you anticipate.

 

I've got to think that some are much better at this dating process than i.

[sara1]

Oh yes, and when i last spoke with him two weeks ago on the phone no less, when he initiated the break-up, he sounded frustrated and irritated at the situation. I do know that he really liked me, but maybe not enough.

[mentee]

Oh yes, I used to ask myself "what could have been" all the time. But that sadly doesn't change the present or reality. I was madly in love with that person. I thought he was the one. I used to daydream that he'd come back to me and ask me to marry him. While he was moving on with his life, I was stuck in the past. I compared other people to him and prevented myself from loving and appreciating another person completely. I told my next boyfriend (M) everything, and fortunately he was understanding and hoped that with time I will grow to love him more than my ex. And that did happen. However (M) wanted me to see my ex to be sure that there was nothing left. I didn't want to, I just wanted to move on. (M) and I broke up though, and around the same time the ex was in town (had nothing to do with the break up). I didn't want to meet up because I wasn't in a good place, but (M) insisted that I meet up with the old ex (don't know why .. perhaps he was curious to know how strong my feelings were for the ex). When we met, it was as if no time had passed by at all in terms of how comfortable we were and how much we connected. I remember him looking at me and saying "I guess it was real, what we had". Yet we were also at different places in our lives - I was becoming a professional and he was still a young and wandering nomad. So I am happy with the way things turned out. He is happy doing his thing and I am happy doing mine, and I'm not sure how the two lifestyles would have worked out together.

 

I've learned that when something happens out of your control (the long distance), there really is no use in asking "what if".

Are you afraid that he might not come back in a few years? You might not want to live with regret. It's been 9 months, have you considered contacting him?

[mentee]

Hi Sara,

 

The first two reasons for breaking up seem very petty and immature in my opinion, but the last two are reasonable. Does he feel pressure from you to get married? Does this mean that he will never date anyone else until he is ready to get married? I doubt that. His reasons seem like excuses to me, which is why I wondered if there was more truth behind all of this. How long have you been together? If he has never loved you and merely liked you without investing a lot of his emotions into you, he might not want to come back. And if he really is going to use the excuse that you are too worried about him and then not worried enough (or interested enough), then he is extremely immature, and you would be better off without that. It is something to talk about but nothing to break up over. It's important to consider how long you've been together also.

[sara1]

Thanks for the reponse and you ask good questions.

 

I never once mentioned getting married, the future or moving in together. I am a bit older than him so i guess he foresees me as wanting to get settle down before him. Though his best friend who is the same age as as him or near that is married and from what i've heard without any issues. He's 27 by the way.

 

He mentioned several times that his career is his first priority now and two weeks ago was interviewing out of state. I asked him if was going to date other people. And he said he didn't know and that he probably shouldn't because he was too busy with work.

 

When you ask if there is more truth i'm not sure what to gather. I thought the break-up was a combination of fear of his emotions for me, scared of getting serious not that i have put any pressure, combined with a stressful week. We never had one agrument before this break up call. We dated for three months.

 

Neither of us verbally expressed our feelings for each other however he did act very attentative, affection and was always looking forward to see me. In fact, we were talking about taking a trip together this summer.

 

To me, i thought he just freaked out about everything and over reacted when i was too concerned about him. Funny that he also mentioned that he thought i was bothered to make the drive to meet up last time.

 

All i know is that he had a very, overbearing mother, and they had falling out two years ago and hasn't talked to her since then. It appeared that he may have been projected this relationship on me.

 

Nevertheless, we only had nice times when together. I definitely saw future potential with him but we never talked about it.

[lawofnature]

Gosh, Mentee - I know exactly what you mean about daydreaming about the ex, that one day he would come back and ask me to marry him and that he was the one. I started going out with a guy couple months ago and couldn't stop comparing him with the ex. I missed the connection I had with the ex so much that I eventually told the new guy I wasn't ready.

 

I read your reply to me and I was like 'Did we date the same person?' haha...Like you, I'm a professional with a stable career while he's still trying to figure out his own life. And yeah...even during the break up he told me that he knew that our feelings were 'real and true' and that no matter how far/long we are apart, the connection will always be there. Even said that he hoped we might make it happen someday. Looking back sometime I wish he didn't say that because it has prevented me from moving on.

 

Have I considered contacting him? Yes, of course. Many many times. His B-day is coming up in 2 weeks and I'm super anxious that's why I came back to ENA after disappearing for a while. I thought I was okay and moving on but your story also just brought me into tears. So I guess I haven't healed completely. I've been thinking about sending him a note to just say Happy Birthday...but I know he will call me back, I'm sure about that...and I don't know if I'm ready to handle a phone call from him. I want him to be the one to contact me...If he wants me, I know what he's capable of.

 

Only time will tell, right?

[mentee]

Hi Sara,

 

There have been times when I wanted to be with someone who wasn't ready to be in a relationship for whatever reason, and all I did was back off. In those cases, they have never come back nor have I wanted them to. Yes, a part of me felt rejected, and my ego was bruised. Sometimes I took it personally when it really had nothing to do with me. And when I realized that the issue was my inability to handle the rejection and not the guy himself (because the guy was not even that special to begin with), I was able to move on quickly. I am really thankful that I did not waste a lot of time thinking about the guys that I've dated briefly.

 

I think with your guy, his first 2 reasons to break up are silly. Every couple argues or gets upset, and having just one stressful week arguing about insignificant things should not be enough to end a perfectly good relationship. His other 2 reasons have nothing to do with you and shouldn't be taken personally, I think. But they should be respected if that is how he truly feels. I haven't been in your situation, but my best friend has. She met a guy who recently moved to the city for work, displaced from his family and friends. He was working to become an investment banker, and that was his top priority. They dated and really hit it off. He wanted to take things slow for a variety of reasons and told her he didn't want to commit. There was a chance he'd take a better job elsewhere or go back to get his MBA. He also felt that his family really needed him, and he wasn't physically there to help, so that was another distraction. He didn't know what his future held and didn't want to commit to her. Yet he continued to date her for another year! All the while, she had no idea what to think of their "relationship". She felt awful that she had been dating someone for so long yet couldn't count on him or call him her boyfriend. He was always affectionate, attentive, loving, caring, and understanding (which is why she hung around for so long, she thought he was worth the wait), but he just could not commit. I don't know him and don't know his issues, but in the end he had written to her and told her he was in a really bad place, depressed, and suicidal and didn't want her to contact him anymore. She never believed what he had written and thought it was a cheesy way to get out of the "relationship" while also looking like a victim. I personally don't know if he was being honest or not because I don't know him. Anyway, like any good person would however, she did contact him to make sure he was okay, tried to find him support, and sent him contact information for emergency hotlines, therapists, etc. etc. Eventually she stopped contacting him by his request and met someone new, the love of her life. After the guy who couldn't commit found out, he tried to start talking to her again with no success. Crazy story, but somehow your story reminded me of this.

[mentee]

lawofnature, we have lived parallel lives!

 

It isn't often we meet someone that we connect so well with. I have connected with all my exes of course, but that "one" was special. We really "got" each other. He was always able to read my mind and know how I was feeling without asking. It was like we shared the same mind and heart, and I never felt that way about anyone else before or after. So many couples argue because they can't understand each other .. "why did she say this?" .. "why didn't he do that?" .. "how can he not see that I'm upset?", etc.

 

He and I NEVER had that problem. Our problem was the distance. He lived in a city that didn't have a medical school for me to go to. I lived in a city where he knew no one (and his family and friends meant everything to him). Even after 5 years when we met up again, he was able to read my mind again. Embarrassingly enough, he joked "look at you, walking in here with all these expectations" .. and even though it wasn't in the forefront of my mind, I did in fact have MANY expectations on how our encounter would be. Our connection was amazing. But again, our lives don't mesh, and I'm not sure how they would. I don't ever think about being with him again. But sometimes I am sad that I have been able to experience such a fantastic connection with someone that I may never have again at that level. But I've also learned that I can love others, it just might take a lot more work to understand each other.

[mentee]

oh and lawofnature, if you aren't ready to hear from him, don't contact him!

[sara1]

Your friend's story is great to read and definitely helps to gain a better perspective. I understand how calling and chasing someone only pushes them away, however, it's amazing how often people don't miss what they have until they can't have it anymore. Personally, just thinking about guys that i've pursued post break-up left me only to feel worse and almost all eventually contacted me after I had well moved on. After all the trauma it didn't make sense that they couldn't realize they wanted to be with me when i was available. You always want what you can't have can't always be healthy to follow but i gues it's human nature.

 

I'm curious to know for the times that you realized that it was the inability to handle rejection and not taking it personally, was it just the realization that made it easy then? Or was there something else that you subscribed to by thought or action?

 

I know in my situation it may be purely circumstantial obstacles, however, i can't help but beat myself up some. What could of, should of, ..Obviously once you come that realization it becomes easier but beyond pleasant. Just seems like there's got to be an easier way to handle rejection knowing that i'll be dating more with the potential of another rejection.