She screwed someone else... I hate her

[idunno]

recently i found out that nine years ago, while my wife and i were dating, she slept with someone else. ok, 9 years ago, big deal, we had been dating only 3 weeks, but daily, in fact sleeping together daily. so i dropped her off at her waitress job one night and she slept with someone else that night. so now i find this out, i find out also that because of this she never knew if my son was my son (so you can see this is complicated but i wont go into it.) he is my son, or so says 2 dna tests just done in the last few weeks.

 

the point is that now i hate her with a passion. i was madly in love with her, she was pregnant (probably) and she screwed someone else on the one night i slept quietly in my own bed. so i hate her and i think maybe i shouldnt but in my mind its 1994 and i hate her. had i known this back then of course i would have split, but now we have three kids yet i hate her. so what now??

[upstatemedic]

Phew...that's definitely a toughy!

 

Let's start with what you mean when you say you hate her. It's a pretty strong word, but I can see how it's somewhat applicable to this situation! Is it her that you hate (meaning dislike intensely, detest) or is it what she did?

 

She's still the same person she was all this time. Nothing has changed about her, only you; you now know more about her. On one hand, you could argue that this is enough to leave her. On the other hand, you could look at the bright side - as far as you know, she's stood by your marraige vows and been faithful to you. No such vows existed 3 weeks into your dating relationship. But if she's kept up her end of the bargain since you put that ring on her finger, there's far less of a reason to leave her and (more importantly) your kids over it.

 

Beyond this, while I'm no legal expert, I doubt a judge would grant you a divorce on the grounds that she was unfaithful to you before you were married. So it would probably be a long, hard-fought, expensive court and custody battle. Has she been a good, loving mom to your kids? If so, why would you want to throw them into a broken home?

 

OK, all logistics aside... I doubt anyone here will give you a definitive answer - but we can try to help you come up with one on your own.

 

Best,

Upstatemedic

[idunno]

yeah, this is the standard a + b thought pattern i have all the time, but how can i reallllllly believe she has been faithful since then, ive seen a couple things i didnt like, she wasnt any kind of "good girl" i guess when i met her or so i know now. still there is this internal "i hate her", sure cuz she screwed someone, i have an ego too, but lying for nine years years years, man come on

[upstatemedic]

I guess, never having been there myself, there's no way I could see where you're coming from - but just the same I don't know everything about your situation so I'm inclined to take as optimistic a view as possible.

 

You've definitely got one major, clear issue with her. There are probably other concerns you have that you're holding in - and it might be a good idea to get some marraige counseling. Or go see someone on your own. But a professional opinion can never hurt...

 

UM

[crcsurf]

It has been just two months since the breakup of my marriage of 25 years. Just a couple weeks before she left me for the other guy, ( I'll call him #3) he told me that she had been raped by a friend (#2) of the family three different times during our marriage. I confronted #2 and he said it was consensual. Not too long after that, she admitted to me she was having sex with #3. For a guy who has never been unfaithful, and never had sex with anyone but my wife, this came as quite a shock. It has been hard, and within a week of her walking out, I filed for legal separation. I know that someday the pain will go away, but I couldn't deal with the situation, so I let her go. We have two boys together, and it is tough to take her calls when she wants to talk to them.

 

The best thing to realize is that if a person is going to be unfaithful, there is nothing you can do. The only person I found I could control is me. I also have to learn to control my thought patterns. If I dwell on what happened, I get really depressed. So, I had to train my mind to immediately think of things other than that terrible situation. I found a great way to rid my mind of the negative is to pray. You may not be religious, but some good advice I found is to meditate on things that are true, things that are pure, things that are noble, things that are lovely and things that are praiseworthy. Works for me.