to commit or not to commit to the relationship

[Sharoon]

HI all, I'm new to this forum, but have enjoyed reading others questions and reading the responses. It's encouraged me to ask what's been on my mind.

 

My story briefly.

 

I'm 48 and I've been divorced 9 years. I've been presently dating the same gentleman for almost 5 years. I have 2 children, one 23 at University (away from home) and a 19 year old off to University next year. I've given the kids my priority as they have been growing up.

 

My Significant Other and I each have our own homes, although we spend weekends together. He did live in my city until the summer when he moved about 1.5 hours away to be closer to his work, as he was driving 2 hours one trip everyday. I knew that he was doing this and understand the reasons for this, and this is not part of my concern.

 

My concern is that every since I was divorced and on my own I "dreamed' and hoped of meeting someone who I would eventually be married to again. My friend will be retiring in 3 years and we will have the opportunity to be together full time. He says he's never getting married again, that he failed at marriage once and so did I, so why get married. I'm not sure I can/want to live with someone. Perhaps that sounds old fashioned. I sometimes feel that I am settling if I move in with someone without marriage. Is marriage really that important? I'd like for my 19 year old daughter to believe that marriage can really be a commitment, as I believe it is and I do believe there are good marriages. I'm a good person, I have a good job, own my own house, and will retire with a decent pension. I feel that's it's possible to meet someone else eventually, but do I "end a relationship" a guy just because he doesn't want/believe in marriage?? Most importantly, I would NEVER give someone the marriage ultimatium.

 

Thanks for any opinions.

[avman]

Your question "do you dump a guy just believe he doesn't want or believe in marriage".

 

Well if thats important to you, then I think the answer is Yes. You have some very valid reasons that marriage is important to you. Playing house isn't enough for you. If you feel that you'll be settling for something that won't meet your needs, eventually you will become resentful to him for not marrying you. Its a recipe for disaster later on.

 

Its ok for you to say that you love this guy, but his goals and future just doesn't line up with yours.

[The Morrigan]

Yep - I think you have to weigh carefully how important it is to you, and how important the relationship is to you without it. If it's not something you think you can reconcile yourself to - you're not his ex, and he's not yours, you don't have to settle for something you don't want to live with if it'll make you unhappy or feel like you deserve more, you'll just resent it and become embittered in the end.

[Sharoon]

Thanks for your replies. I think some how we usually know the truth and don't want to admit it, we just need someone else to tell us!