my friend wants to go back with an abusive boyfriend

[cadet326]

I have a friend that has recently broken up with an abusive boyfriend. about two months ago she broke up with him after 5 years of physical and mental abuse, things that would set him off would be as simple as her not wanting to have sex with him at that moment and talking to one of her guy friends. He has since taken "anger manegment classes" which he says have really helped and he promises never to hit her or hurt her in any way again, I was just wondering if anyone has any personal experience with these type of promises. he has only been to about 8 of them and I think that you cant change in that short amount of time, I just dont want her to find out the hard way, I said to her that it could take up to a life time of treatment to overcome those kind of issuses, its like once a dog bites he will bite again. please help

[The Morrigan]

To his benefit - he probably honestly believes he has changed.

 

However, the time he's been taking these classes, he's been away from your friend. Some of the situations and pressures haven't been there. So I doubt he's learned to deal with them completely effectively yet. Any kind of therapy where you're learning to change the way you react is usually a pretty long and ongoing process - he should stay in some kind of therapy - ESPECIALLY for the first months they get back together. I think you're right to be concerned - old patterns and habits are just too easy to fall back into for 8 sessions to be a cure all. And some things take a lifetime committment to change and stay changed - from what you're saying, I don't think he's realized that.

 

Can she get him to agree to go to counseling when they get back together, as a couple? Even once a week - at least that would keep a third party in the loop who might see warning signs that she might try to justify or dismiss - before the abuse cycle starts again.