Starting over after breaking up for the 3rd time

[cobro]

It has been over 4 days since my gf broke up with me, and I'm stuck in a rut. We have known eachother for over 2 years. We broke up in Oct 2001, got back together in May 2002, broke up again in Apr. 2003 when she decided to go back to her ex. After 4 months it didn't work out with her ex, she persued me and I made the choice to get back with her 2 months ago. This time she claimed I was the one she was going to marry and spend the rest of her life with, and she would never hurt me again, I was skeptical at first, but grew to believe her and become closer to her. Well, a couple of things happened after we got back together. First, she made no effort to cut contact with her ex, even going as far as calling him and lying to me about it. This was about a month into the relationship. I was very uncomfortable with her talking to him, the man she originally left me for. At the time of break up, they were talking (she says he was calling) every 3 days. I would ask her and she would say they are just friends. Secondly, after about a month into it she wanted me to stop making references to the future and "us" because it made her feel trapped. If I recall, she was the one wanting to marry me and always talking about it. So that made me insecure about the relationship. Then, she started finding things about me that annoyed her, and pointing them out, such as I'm introverted and it's a problem. So I was working on being more outgoing, and my friends could tell. I guess that wasn't good enough for her. After that, she began to get distant and quiet, like she was uninterested in me anymore. I caught on to this, and questioned her about it, with questions like this: Was it her ex? Was it me? Was I not doing/saying something right? Did she want to be single? What was wrong? Well I guess I asked her too much, because that pushed her away even more. I knew from the first 2 breakups that these were signs she was unhappy, but she wasn't admitting it. At the same time this was happening, she was wanting to go out and party more, making other plans and not making time for me. I admit by this point I was feeling a bit neglected, but I didn't want to seem needy. It was like she wanted to have me and at the same time go and do her own thing, even if that meant talking to her ex and not caring how I felt about it. I was worried about everything happening, so one night I brought it up. I was rather rude to her, I told her she was selfish, didn't care about my feelings, otherwise she wouldn't be talking to her ex so often. I told her she didn't care about her future, all she wanted to do was party and drink. I told her I didn't know if we were right for eachother, but I loved her and wanted to work through things. She got very upset and said that I didn't trust her, which I admitted I don't fully trust her yet, especially since she still talks to her ex. Well this was the icing on the cake for her, she had had enough of me. Three days later, after telling her how I really felt, she broke up with me. She says she doesn't want to be with somebody who doesn't trust her or support her decisions. She said I was paranoid and questioned her too much. She said she couldn't take the stress of always wondering what I was thinking, she wanted to do her own thing and be free. She said I was trying to change her into something she would never be. I guess I was trying to "tame" her. I asked her why we got back together in the first place, she said she thought I was someone different. She said I had no spine and was insecure about her. I told her I loved her and I was willing to work on whatever problems there were, but she just said it was over. She couldn't handle it anymore. She wasn't happy. She said this was the last time we will try to be a couple, it will never work. So here I am, 4 days later, wondering WTF just happened in the last two months. She comes in my life, wants to marry me, and then changes her mind and leaves. In the process, my feelings for her re-developed and I loved her even more than the first time. I haven't heard from her since that day. She said we could still be friends, but I told her not right away.

I don't want her to hate me for the mean things I said when we got in that argument, I didn't mean to put her down or be critical of her, that is how she took it. I would really like to talk to her again, maybe in a month or so. If she doesn't call in a month, should I call her? She said she still loved me and had feelings for me. Do you think she will call me? I just hate that it had to end that way, but I'm almost 25 and looking for something that she (21) is not. Do you think maturity played a part, she just didn't want to settle down, which caused me not to trust certain things she did. Did I ruin the relationship by not trusting her, or did she give me reasons not to trust her? I feel like it's my fault. Do you think I'll ever hear from her again? Any advice would be great.

[vfunkera]

no i dont think u should call, and i dont think u should try it with her again. uv broken up 3 times. come on now, most of us are begging for one more chance. shes running back and forth between her exes, and its not helping neither of u. uv both had loads of chances, and they just seem to be a waste of time. she seems to be playing a bit. be friends with her, but the most important thing is to move on. and i wudnt take her back again.

 

firstly there are plenty of girls out there looking for what ur looking for. plenty of fish in the sea, as they say. go search there, and find her, and u probably wont look back.

uv both had numerous chances now, and it seems to be failing all the time. shes not on the same page as u, and shes not what ur looking for, so dont try again when she comes back, because ull just be hurting ur self again in the end.

 

good luck

[The Morrigan]

I hate to say it, but it sounds like while she enjoys the immediate "kiss and make up" phase with both of you, where things are usually the best, she's really not ready/mature enough to work on a steady relationship, dealing with the NORMAL personality differences in a mature manner, and keeping a stable rapport with either of you. Come on now, BOTH of you can't magically develop faults in a few months back and forth. So reasonably, at least a good portion of the problem lies with the way she's viewing your relationship, and NOT with you. I don't think it would matter how perfect you were, heck, that might be a reason, being too perfect, she just doesn't seem ready to settle and be happy with one person long term. If you're looking for someone who can meet you on even ground and work on a real relationship, I'd look elsewhere, sorry if that's discouraging, but it just doesn't seem like something she's capable of giving you right now.

[justagirl]

I agree with vfunkera. Don't call her and don't wait around for her. Obviously you 2 aren't meant to be together right now, if ever. Breaking up and getting back together as many times as you 2 did, makes having a relationship extremely hard. She is not ready for the kind of commitment you are.

There are so many other girls out there ready for the commitment you are, and the girl for you is out there with them. You'll find her soon, and you'll know 100% that it was the right decision to not be with your ex.

I wish you the best

~*Justagirl*~

[cobro]

The Morrigan,

 

You just opened my eyes with that reply... It IS her, she found problems with him after a couple of months, ended it with him. She found problems with me after a month, ended it with me. Plus the 2 other times she found problems and broke up with me. I do see the pattern. In fact, she has NEVER had a serious relationship besides me or him. Plus, all of her friends are single now, so I'm sure they influence her to be single and have fun also. I guess I just got stuck with a bad apple. Luckily, she might have done me a favor by breaking up with me and giving me no hope, it just hurts sometimes. It's hard to move on, but I will have to this time, because she's not coming back.. and I won't let her. If we end up as friends, it will be a while from now, maybe a couple of months or so if it's even worth it. Part of me still wants to call her, but that would look pathetic right now, wouldn't it? I should wait at least a month (if I'm over her), shouldn't I? Thanks again everyone, keep the posts coming..I feel a bit better now

[meanlady]

Gladly you find teh turth, read your first post halfway through, i think most readers know what is goign on and you, as well, know what is goign on very well.

 

If you really want to move on, you have to cut any contact with her, you don't have to befriend with her at this time,maybe after 6 months when you are totally "recovered". I don't see any possiblity between you and her wheh things happen like this .Even she choose you eventually, it seems you are not her first choice. Why do you have to be the second best? Why do you have to be her " back up"? Let her know that you don't need her and you still can be happy