Is Reconcilliation Possible at this point?

[chitown]

My girlfriend and I have been together for 2 years now. I am now 30 and she is 28. When we met both of us were very social, outgoing and I was very single not having a girlfriend for 3 years (hiding behind a former heartbreak unable to commit). Unbenounced to me she was fresh out of a 4 year relationship, but we will get to that part. So get your popcorn and enjoy the rollercoaster of my last two years.

 

 

We actually met online randomly and after a few weeks of witty banter we agreed to meet on a date. Our date was instant fireworks, we both were looking for someone to challenge us, and we both were so fun together, and easy going from the start! The type of date where people look at you and say, wow you guys are alot of fun and seem like you have known each other forever! She spent the weekend (no sex) and both of us knew that things were good! A few weeks later and a few crazy dates and times later i started getting the old cold feet again. I told her about my phobia of commitment was very up front about it all, however in my heart i did not want to run. She did not and pursued me. She was smitten with me and obviously in love, even though it was never said. I was standoffish and this went on for several months. Long story short, I decided %^& my fears and I told her i loved her. And i did love her. this came after two weekends apart, her in Cali for a bachelorette party, and i the following week in Vegas. That following weekend i sat her down and told her how i felt and that i want to be together. Her reply was not what i expected.

 

Several weeks go by and i have my suspiciion that something is wrong, i do some investigation and soul searching and determine that she has met someone else, after a few more weeks i ask her about us and when she feins, i ask her about another guy, she denys. a few more weeks and my suspicion is confirmed, she met someone in Cali. I ask her again and she admits, that because i was pushing her away and this guy showed immediate interest that she was floored. Up until now no cheating (physically) has gone on.

 

It was a few weeks prior that i started seeing a therapist, at the suggestion of my girlfriend to A) help me get over my phobia and B) address the issues why i dont trust her. Basically she reccomended i see a therapist on the guize that I was crazy for thinking she was seeing someone else. It was good advice none the less, even though she lied as to why i should go.

 

I told her i would wait for her, and prove to her how i feel....Believe me I did.

 

Basically this guy came to town, and the advice of my therapist was to not give her an ultimatum, but let her test her feelings. I did that. A few weeks later he bought her a ticket to see him in Cali...she went, but regretted it immediately asking me to buy her a ticket home before she got off the plane...i did not pick the phone up. Finallly after that trip things were good..or so i thought. From Sept to Dec she had an emotional fling with this guy behind my back...XMAS rolls around and he is back in town to visit family..i finally give her an ultimatum. "If you see him over this break, you will never see me again." Well she saw him. I am not sure of the details but she went home for XMAS and broke down to her family about it all. Her mom called me begging me to not leave her. Spouting something about unconditional love... Now she finally opened up and admitted her faults. She broke down and was weeping bitterly for hours. True remorse.

 

You ask yourself why i put up with it? I blamed myself for pushing her away and into this guys life...

 

I was so lovestruck with her and wanted her so badly that i took her back.

And although she became a model girlfriend, the trust was broken. Things were great on the surface, but deep down i just had doubts, even though she was finally showing me everything i always wanted her too. Enter year two. Things were good and uneventful for a long time. We slowly built back our trust and relationship. However other things started to lack, like sex, and affection on her part. Long story short, the relationship slowly deteriorated because she could not communicate to me (she admits it).

 

To wrap this up, on her birthday of all days, and after months of her not being able to communicate what she is feeling, she says that she has to let me go. We end it. I am a perfect gentleman and she is floored that I am ok with it.

 

A few weeks go by, and i am not heartbroken like i have been in the past, i am strong. I am doing the things to distract me like i should be and completely moving on. I met another girl, a great girl and we went on a few dates.

 

Now my ex comes back into the picture saying how sorry she is, and how she is in therapy over this. At this point i have truly moved on. I tell her this, and i say that she needs some time to herself to figure everything out. In the heat of the moment we had sex. after a few more weeks she slowly ingratiates herself back into my life and is now in the process of trying to woo me back. Again she is being a model girlfriend, and if i were to believe she could maintain, we woudl have a shot. But i have these nagging questions, like will she dump me or will this happen again? if so would i be surprised? am i really in love with her?

 

stuff like that. I am on the fence over this, I just need some advice.

[melrich]

I think it is possible you could reconcile but her past behaviour is not all thta comforting and you will probably struggle to feel completely secure in a relationship with her.

 

I am on the fence over this,

 

It's not really the statement of someone in love. I feel from your post that you couild probably walk away from this at the moment without too much pain. I think that is what I would do if I were you.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

I think it is possible you could reconcile but her past behaviour is not all thta comforting and you will probably struggle to feel completely secure in a relationship with her.

 

 

 

It's not really the statement of someone in love. I feel from your post that you couild probably walk away from this at the moment without too much pain. I think that is what I would do if I were you.

 

Absolutely right.

[chitown]

I probably could walk away however it would be painful. So much emotion and energy has gone in to her..so much. I am looking for that smoking gun, but i guess in situations like this i will not get one.

 

To clarify, I once heard that breaking up with someone is just as hard as getting dumped. This is the first time in my life i have been in on this side of the dumping, and I never believed that before, but it is indeed hard and painful.