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Teen after parent's divorce: Where do I go?


Neznam
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A divorce, spanning over years before its completion has just ended

I've survived the whirlwind of domestic strife, or did I? I'm breathing, have the pulse, and still know my name. But beyond this, there is nothing. The long endured agony of fearful, worrisome, bitter, unenjoyable days have left me without a conscience. For so long, I lacked the island of physcological saftey, or anything sane. I feel mindless. I gave myself away, again, and again, now there's nothing left. The social skills I once had are now non-existant. After witnessing such horrible things and treatment between two human beings, I have now no fixed idea or thoughts on how or why people have friends, or marriage. I don't feel in touch with reality, can't figure out how to relate to other people, or express that I like them or want to be friends. I never feel comfortable with myself nor true. I feel that everything in the world is hostile, and have profound trouble taking people and things as just good. At an unbelivably young age, I'm jaded of life, there is no enjoyment present. Can anyone relate to this, lick this, or just plainly gice advice?

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anyone contemplating divorcing their spouse should read your post if they want to know how the divorce would affect their kids. reading this has helped me consider my own circumstances moreso than probably any reply i could give you would help you.

 

the fact is that the more love that is felt between two people the more hate is displayed during the dissolution of the relationship. just as the feelings that compel people to declare undying love for another person are often overwhelming so are those feelings that cause the relationship to end. hate is not the opposite of love, indifference is.

 

your best bet, to be totally honest, is to walk right up to your folks and tell them that their behavior is messing with you and they need to grow up. you will not be living at home forever, you will be on your own soon. so don't let what they are doing make you think you have to go through the same stuff in your time. if you let yourself get jaded then you will ultimately do the things they do. sounds stupid but you have to suck it up and keep the faith.

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Hello there,

 

My parents too separated and would have completed the divorce had my mother not passed away. While the divorce did not span over many years, my mothers indecisiveness did until she finally decided to leave my father. In that way, I can relate. As you said you have given so much and have nothing left, I too felt that way. I moved out with my mother, sacrificing my own happiness for hers, so I feel, in some small way, your pain.

 

It is hard to believe that two people can do so much to each other, and as the child watching your parents treat each other so brutally, I can understand where you are coming from. It can very much affect your feelings on relationships, both romantic and friendly.

 

For me, therapy helped quite a bit, but I also started living for me. I got fed up with my parents and decided that there is no point in giving so much when I wasn't getting anything in return. It's hard and I know it. I'm not sure what type of support system you have, if any at all, but I do suggest therapy just because it allows you to talk to someone in a confidential environment where you don't have to worry about losing a friendship over it.

 

I hope this helped somewhat, and I also encourage you to post here again as this place has also done wonders for me as well.

 

Best wishes.

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It's sad to read your words, but I think you can have much better days ahead.

 

You say that you've lost touch with yourself, but your words reveal the truth that you have not lost touch with yourself. I think you have "disassociated" yourself from your feelings and the outside world, as a form of self-preservation. This is a normal reaction to extremely stressful situations. A good and caring psychologist (and I also suggest minister/priest/rabbi) will be able to help you mine yourself for these feelings and feel whole again. This would be an ideal way to reintroduce yourself to the world, through someone who is there to help you and knows how to do it.

 

While it's true that too much of the world is hostile, it's also comforting to me to confront that fact, so I avoid the hostile people as much as possible and associate myself with people who have good intentions. That would be an excellent philosophy to have post-therapy...limit future pain by carefully choosing your friends and spouse/partner. In that sense, your pain now will help you in the future, if you listen to it but not let it consume you....

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You, dear friend, have a wonderful opportunity. Certainly, you have suffered a traumatic loss. Certainly, you've been dealt a blow whose ripples have reached into every facet of who you are.

 

But this has given you a clean slate. You say that you don't have any connection with reality. The truth is - reality never left - you left reality. And now, you can come back to it with any perspective you want. You have the opportunity to redefine your entire paradigm of social interaction. You have the opportunity to rebuild your ideas on friends, marraige, and all the other things over which you're so confused. And how you do so, as of the moment you realize it, is totally up to you.

 

I can't say I've ever been where you are, but I did lose my mother to cancer and I do know some of the stress, strain and heartache that comes from living in a single parent household that never set out to end up a single parent household.

 

From the way you write, it's easy to see that you're already wise beyond your years. From the words you choose, it's easy to see that your experience, while it's one that no one should have to endure, has given you a unique perspective that you may not even know you have.

 

Harness this opportunity. Re-enter the world that was torn from you, and rebuild yourself into a person that can rise above his/her own experience. A person full in the confidence that you matter. A person who can give and receive a kind of love that your parents only searched for, but never found. Sure, it seems easier said (or commanded?) than done...

 

But you can do it.

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I think that you are completely traumatized by the whole divorce.

 

I must say, you are stronger than you think. I have a couple of friends who do just the opposite, they suppress their saddness by doing dumb things: like excessive use of drugs, partying, drinking, the whole Carpe Diem attitude.

 

It's really sad. They don't ever talk about their pain, they just drink it away. They basically waste their lives.

 

What you are feeling is completely normal. At least, you're confronting your emotions.

 

My advice is to do things that you love. Be true to yourself. Get to know yourself. When you realize who you are and what you want, then you will see that this world is not as hostile.

 

Plus, whatever you do, don't resort to distancing yourself from others. Eventually as time goes by, and as you get a little older, you'll be more comfortable with meeting new people.

 

Neznam, I hope that his helps. I'm really sorry for the pain that you must be going through.

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