Should I stay or should I go?

[tayandie412]

There was a song with that lyric back in the day - and I feel like I'm living it right now.

 

I have been seeing someone for 4 months now, but have known him for about ten months. We have both been married before and each have been divorced for over two years. When we first started seeing each other we agreed that we should take it slow and get to know each other. Over time, I have become emotionally attatched. I believe that he does not want to be emotionally attatched to me due to the baggage from prior relationships, not trusting... etc. He has asked me to give him one day at a time, and in the relationship I think I can do that. The problem I am having is that he keeps talking about moving 1400 miles away, within the next 6 months or so. One day he is going to move, the next day maybe he won't. He knows he is at a crossroads in his life. I am trying to be supportive, and I really care about this man, but I feel like I'm waiting around for him to decide if and when I will fit into his life.

 

We do not refer to each other in boyfriend/girlfriend terms, we do not present ourselves as a 'couple' per se. Yet, if I make plans to meet a male friend after work, he gets very upset. I'm getting such mixed signals.

 

I've never used the 'L' word, but if he would let me, I could love him very easily. I just don't know how long I can walk on eggshells and wonder where my place is in his life.

 

Can anyone offer some guidance? Thanks.

[Nifty_Swifty1]

After 4 months a day at at time seem a little strange. It's not fair of him to what to keep you so comitted without being comitted himself. Talk to him and tell him that you cant to this maybe maybe not thing any more, becouse I don't think you can. You're getting way to close to the point were he's really going to hurt you. He has to deside now wether he wants to make something out of this or not. he cant just keep you on the back burner.

[Princess777]

Hello,

 

I can understand that you are confused about where you stand with this guy. Why not just sit him down and say something like, "This might sound silly but I am a little confused on where I stand with you, and I'm hoping you can clear this up for me". Go on to explain that you realize that you two do not refer to each other as bf/gf but that you notice that he gets upset when you mention spending time with another male. On one hand he is here now but on the other hand he frequently mentions moving, and it plays with your emotions. Tell him all this and get it out in the open. What have you got to lose, really....? Does that sound like something you can do, and do you think he would respond well?

[Blue_Soul]

Hi,

 

I'm only posting this because I have a friend who is doing the exact same thing that you're 'whatever-you-want-to-refer-to-him-as' is doing to you and it's really quite obnoxious to watch. Basically, this guy can't make up his mind and isn't giving you any indication of where your relationship stands. He likes having you around while it's convenient for him but, if the opportunity for him to move away seems appealing to him one day, where does that leave you? That's pretty selfish, don't you think? I mean, whatever his motives are, it's completely unacceptable to leave someone hanging like that.

 

So, the only thing to do is confront him. I have a feeling you will probably catch him off guard since he doesn't seem to have any intention of discussing it with you and you haven't bothered to discuss it with him. Don't be to upset if doesn't reciporicate your feelings. You should be careful who you invest your emotions in. I've learned that the hard way many times.

 

Hope everything works for the best.

[jaded4life]

How ironic it is that your situation sounds like mine so long ago.

I will not go into detail concerning my life, but I can tell you that my story had no happy ending. After 3 yrs together, he still could not commit to the extent that I needed and deserved.

Relationships are so unique in every situation, seems like the harder you try the faster the relationship crumbles. Conversely, when it sails along smoothly it all seems so dreamlike, everything just falls into place.....yet even in this fairytale type relationship, problems can arise. THe point is there are no guarantees......all is fair in love in and war.

I can relate to how you want to love this man and how you want to make him believe in love again, but until he is ready, you are wasting your time sweety. I can foretale your future to be difficult if you expect him to feel as you do, he may very much desire you and your company, but commit to you , he has made it clear that he is not ready. Ever heard the expression.....you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink? Sorry to equate your partner to a horse but you can love him, treat him wonderfully, you can be the most perfect partner, but to a man or even woman that does not have their heart in the right place, it will only set you up for grandiose illusions of having a relationship that was never there.

You will face emotional instabilities always questioning yourself, your self esteem will fail, other men may fall at your slightest whim, but this man, the challenge, will be your only focus.

I can only give you advice from my own experience, but you are the one who is in control, do not set yourself up for a heartache, do not dwell on a man who has not healed, he may not be at fault, he cannot love until he is ready. You may think just because you have grown and moved on everyone is different, perhaps you can give him time, be honest and understanding, but not at the expense of losing your self, do not forget who you are, what you stand for, and how you deserve a honest, caring, loving man that will be able to offer all the love you need. It is so hard to give up on a dream, yet it is better to leave it a dream than to wake up in a nightmare. Be good to your self. respect yourself, in your heart you will know the answer, yet it may be hidden, the truth shall set you free!

[BazookaMike]

As a guy I'm going to tell you not to wait around for him. Yes, he makes you feel special. But you don't know how he actually thinks about you. He sounds like a lucky guy but luck can only get him so far. Unless he is as insecure as he sounds from your post. Then he should have shown you already. Does he get attention from other girls easily? If he does and he wanted it then wouldn't he have made it apparent with you?

 

-bazook

[davo1066]

I agree you need to talk to him. A warning though: make sure you make it really clear what you want from him and what the consequences are if he goes back on his word and starts talking about leaving again after committing.

 

I'm in the same situation with a girl I'd been seeing for 6 months, she's totally messing with my head, I told her would look for work nearer her home town (other end of the country from me) and she said great, so I got a job near where she lives to be near her, and turned down a better job a lot further away. She had been talking about maybe working overseas for a while, and had been offered a contract, I had 'the talk' with her, asked her about where we stand before I move jobs and she said she was serious about us, had decided wouldn't go away and we would make a go of things. 3 days after I switched jobs she told me she had taken the 3 month contract overseas.

 

We had another talk before she went, this time about whether it would really be only a few months (as there was a good chance of more work) and she assured me she absolutely definitely wouldn't stay longer even if, as was likely, there was more work. A month into the job, they've offered to extend it by a further 6 months and now she says she's thinking of staying. Again, she says she'll definitely come back (after 9 months total) and wants me to wait for her. I have no real faith she'll be back when she says she will after changing her mind twice already, and am pissed off that I've made sacrifices she seems unwilling to make.

 

The point is, I probably contributed to this by not being clearer about my feelings the first time. If you have the talk but he doesn't believe you are serious you may find that a month later your guy's back to talking about leaving again. And if you still don't put your foot down he'll think he can get away with it.