I screw things up, how can I make up to him?

[longhaircats]

I've done the most stupid things ever and I've been kicking myself. I really screw things up with a guy and I feel like I pushed him 1000 miles away.

 

He is a lecturer at my university (let's call him R) and I am a PhD student. One nigth about 6 months ago a bunch of us went out to a pub to celebrate our friend who just passed viva. All of us got really drunk that night and I ended up sleeping over R’s place. About a week later he asked me out on a proper first date, and since then we went out on and off whenever we were both in town (we both travel overseas extensively). I really really liked him, but I never really understood what was going on between us. I haven't seen him for the past 3 months and during this time I went out with someone else, but this guy dumped me 10 days ago over an email to get back together with his ex. I was hurt and upset for about 5 days, but I got over him very quickly because he was really a jerk at the end. Plus I knew R is coming back in town.

 

So R and I went out last night to catch up and I was really happy to see him. I don't know what I was thinking but I told him I went out with someone else while we were apart. I know I know I should have never told him such things, but I was a bit drunk and I sort of wanted to know where we stand. He was okay with it first because we weren't really "going out" but when I told him that the guy dumped me and I was actually in love with him, he got really angry with me and left. I totally understand why he got angry with me because I would be mad at me if I were in his shoes. I think I hurt his feelings and pride. I feel like am a biggest idiot and I’ve been kicking myself all day today. I realized now that I tend to get insecure around him, and say stupid things trying not to look too keen. I went out with someone else, because he chased me hard and I felt wanted, but R never said anything and I got frustrated because I just don’t understand what’s going on in his head (and he says the same thing toward me). But he is an awesome person and he is someone I can look up to. I apologised to him this morning many times, and he said sorry too but I just know it’s not going to be the same. When I asked him if we are okay, he said “yes, but we should take some time to think about it. Is this mean he wants to wait and see how he feels about me? He asked me if I still want to come to his place next weekend (he is going to cook for me). Is this mean that there is still a chance between us? I am really scared and don’t know what to do. I feel like he deserves so much better than me. I wish I could take back what I’ve said but I can’t! I’m such an idiot. Maybe I don’t deserve dating anyone. I'm so upset with myself. ](*,)

[ghost69]

whoa. you just killed his attitude. you told him about a guy you dated for 10 days and you loved him? wow. i'd be like

 

for one, you pretty much told this R guy that the 10 day guy was better than him and you liked him more.

 

also, you gave R a flag that you fall in love too fast.

[inlove123]

I'm a firm believer in honesty. Whether it hurts someone or not. However, I dont think you did anything wrong here. I tend to come off as a very monogamous person but even in this situation, I didn't pick up on any vibes that you two would be in a relationship together.

 

You said you both travel extensively. If you wanted each other to wait, or him to wait for you or vice versa. It should have been communicated. When your in a steady relationship. Obviously its implied but you guys seemed to be a very casual couple. And I use the word couple very loosely. I don't think you should get down on yourself. You love someone that doesn't suite your life and in all honestly it doesn't seem like you suite his either. I don't know the nature of all this traveling but if it would continue, it would only lead to disaster in the end. Maybe its best you move on and maybe consider dating again when your life is more stable. Its hard to keep a relationship when your constantly traveling.

 

I think you should move on and begin dating when your stable enough to.

 

EDIT: Consider this to be a saving grace to yourself because eventually, you would have let this out. Imagine if you began dating this man. Got more attached than you already seem to be to him. You would tell him this when you felt closer than ever and wanted no secrets. Only to hear he doesnt wanna be with you anymore. Youd be a complete wreck. This is probably better for you.

 

It was just a booty call for the most part. I dont doubt you guys had great chemistry and all but it really sounds like nothing more.

[longhaircats]

whoa. you just killed his attitude. you told him about a guy you dated for 10 days and you loved him? wow. i'd be like

 

for one, you pretty much told this R guy that the 10 day guy was better than him and you liked him more.

 

also, you gave R a flag that you fall in love too fast.

 

No no, we dated for 4 months. The past two months he asked me to be exclusive.

[longhaircats]

Obviously you never should have said anything. You may have felt guilty, you may have wanted to see his reaction, and the booze removed any inhibitions. Do it's out, and he's hurt by it.

 

What can you do? Damage control. Stop overly apologizing and let it rest. He's going to do what he's going to do, regardless of what you say at this point.

 

The only thing you might want to say is that you realize that it wasn't love for this dude, it was a brief "infatuation" or something, and now that it's over and you have a chance to clear your head, you realize that "love" was the wrong word. Which it was.

 

You are right, it was "infatuation" and I'm coming from culture where there is no differences in those things. I'm 100% Asian, but lived in the USA and UK for the past 7 years. Still learning English

[longhaircats]

Well, there is a difference in "infatuation" and "love" as it's defined here in America. You may use the terms interchangibly in your culture, but the point is, that whatever you felt for the 4 month guy, it wasn't what we call "love", and you might want to point out the confusion in terms to your guy.

 

I see. I was using "love" because the 4 month guy told me he loved me, and I thought I was, but if I were in love with him I wouldn't have gotten over him in 5 days...so I realized now that I wasn't in love with him. I'll remember this. Thanks a lot!

[DN]

He seems to still be interested. I would assume for now he was angry at the time but is probably going to get over it. Don't bring it up again unless he does but do make it perfectly clear that he is the only man you are interested in and have feelings for right now.

 

Let time work for you.

[ghost69]

i don't think you were in love. i think you just really miss the other guy and you thought you were over him. seems like you are trying to move on too fast.

[Just-a-Girl]

Aww, you poor thing. Don't worry, stop beating yourself up about this. You made a mistake, you're human, we all make mistakes. It's how you handle it now that matters. Definitely go for dinner with him and put this situation away, don't bring it up at all, be you, just as you always have been with R. If he brings it up, don't overly explain, just say that you drank more than should've and it came out wrong, you weren't "in love" with him, you were "in like" - I would not use the word "infatuated", it sounds intimidating, eventough that sounds like your feelings were exactly that. The word has an erotic undertone.

 

I would also be straight up with him and ask him where he sees the relationship between the two of you going. He obviously doesn't consider it exclusive if he was totally fine when you first told him about this other guy. It does sound like he cares, maybe he isn't sure how you really feel.