Why is being friends so hard

[claudia]

i dont know if anyone could shed some light on this problem for me , my ex and i broke up about alil over a month now and he said that we should be friends,well i at first wanted to hang on to some piece of him so i agreed to that . its the hardest thing to do but we were friends before any thing else . well now that we are friends again he hardly talks to me, and he ignores me online , he only speaks when i say something not even greetings are said . can some one tell me whats up with his behaviour . i know there should be no contact but its so hard to do .i have been trying so hard , the reason for the break up was that he said he does not feel the same for me and he has to entertain me what ever that means coupled with the fact it was a ldr . i just dont know what to do can some one help me pls

[Centralshyguy]

While I haven't ever had a girlfriend before, I know what you are talking about. One possibility is that he still has feeling for you and is avoiding you to try and move on. He just might be saying he doesn't have feelings for you anymore for his own purposes of moving on. Don't try too hard because that might drive him away and you might not be friends anymore. Hope things work out for you and your friend.

[Gilgamesh]

Hello Claudia

 

Youve got different things going on here so ill try and sort them out.

 

Its difficult to be friends like before, because before, he never had hurt you. he knows he did.

 

One of the most common reasons a person that dumps another wants to stay "friends" is so they dont feel bad over what they did to you, because if your willing to be friends with them, then to them it must seem that it wasnt that bad what they did to you. understand this?

another popular reason (when its because another is involved) is that they want to have you as a back up, just in case it doesnt work out with the new person. so in most cases its for selfish reasons.

 

Now i am not saying its impossible to have a friendship after a breakup, but its usually only successful when the breakup was mutual, and no one got hurt in the process. the problem with you is, you stil have feelings for him, this is why its gonna be a problem.

 

until you can see him through neutral feelings like you did before, there will be problems, even if his intentions are not selfish for wanting to remain friends, he knows right now that you still want him, that will make him feel guilty, so he distances himself.

 

So the solution is simple, you need to heal yourself, dont make contact with him, friends can go months, years, decades without making contact and stil be friends, so , you can take a few months to mend your broken heart, heal, and move forward, and only then when there is no more hurt, no more strong emotions between you two, that you can become friends, and you know something, sometimes people fall back in love again.

 

My advice is , take some time off for yourself, no dating, do your own thing, find out who you are. make little to no contact with him, the less contact you make the quicker youll get past all this.

 

after a period of time, youll go days and wont even think about him, you wont even care, your happy doing "you" stuff, thats when your ready to date again, go out!! when you "want" a partner and not "need" them, thats when your ready. there is a difference. maybe after some more time, then you can send him a simple hello, or happy birthday etc. but 9 times out of ten, you would have moved on, and found someone that is exactly your match, someone that doesnt see you as a "chore" but as someone to cherish with pleasure. that will happen, when your ready.

[kimg]

I agree with Gilgamesh. This guy is using you as back up in case his other doesnt work out. You need to cut off all contact with him and move on and heal. This man is not interested and you do not need to keep getting your feeling hurt. I know it is hard, but in time you will actually feel better. Eventually you wont have the desire to talk to him. Please let him go. He wants to go so let him .Just let him go without trying to be his friend. Heal and find out what you want. People jump into relatiobshiops after a breakup and that isnt wise. This guy will probably be back and by then you wont want him.