Past feelings of jealousy return in new situation

[Kitty Gadol]

When I was 15, I started a 7 year relationship with a man of 22. After 4 years together, he became abusive and had numerous affairs, that led to us splitting up 3 years later. We remained friends and now have a great relationship. I have been able to ask him why he did what he did, and my jealousy and possessiveness were what he felt pushed him away from me. I understand this now, but at the time, I didn't recognise these feelings, and as such, could not label them.

I am in a relationship now, at 33, with my soulmate. I know he is the one but I am starting to feel the same jealous emotions I did all those years ago, only now, I recognise them as such. If my partner looks at an attractive woman on the television, I feel unloved. I know deep down that this is pathetic, but I make myself so unhappy.

This is just one example of many, and it has got to the stage where my whole life is being affected. I won't go out in case he looks at porn on TV, and if we are apart, all I can think about is what he might be doing.

My biggest fear is that I won't find out he has been cheating, and I will be made to look a fool.

It is difficult to admit these feelings, especially as a grown woman, but I would appreciate any help or advice in starting to change my outlook.

Thankyou,

Love Kitty xx

[Mar]

So basically what you're saying is that you distrust your "soulmate" for no reason whatsoever. You fear he MIGHT cheat on you, and you're so insecure that you're causing problems in the relationship (admittedly only on your part) by feeling these things.

 

I'm sorry to sound so blunt, but that's how I'm reading the current situation. Your current guy has given you NO reason to think he's cheating on you, yet you feel this intense jealousy if he even glances at another woman, even casually, and think he's watching porn so you stay home? Read your post again.

 

You CANNOT blame your feelings on this innocent man. He's done nothing wrong, and, if he happens to glance at an attractive woman, so what? He's with YOU. ALL men will look at attractive women, the same as all women will look at attractive men. It's a fact of life, and if someone says they don't do it, they're full of it!

 

So my suggestion to you is to examine YOURSELF. Why are you so insecure about a supposedly solid relationship? Why are you pulling excuses out of midair to distrust your current guy? There's no reason for it, and all it will do is drive him away if he gets fed up with being given "the eye" every time you perceive that he MAY be having thoughts of straying. It's not fair to him, nor to you. And, if you re-read your post, you've stated the answer right there....you got into a relationship with an older man when you were WAY too young for him, and he cheated on you. That's going to carry over into future relationships somewhat, but at 33, you should have worked out those feelings of distrust by now!

 

If you want a relationship to work, you have to be secure in the fact that the man who's with you is with you because he loves you and YOU ALONE. Yes, he might look....so what? We all do. Doesn't mean we love our partners any less. So look inside yourself and figure out the reason you're having these unfounded feelings and insecurities. Once you do, you can figure out how to ELIMINATE them, and build an even stronger relationship with your boyfriend!

 

Mar

[netman]

So look inside yourself and figure out the reason you're having these unfounded feelings and insecurities. Once you do, you can figure out how to ELIMINATE them, and build an even stronger relationship with your boyfriend!Mar

Mar, good advise but one thing; you fail to address HOW to ELIMINATE those unfounded feelings and insecurities. I think that she realizes where these feelings come from, and I think she's reaching out for help on how to stop these feelings and thoughts.

 

Kitty, your feelings are NOT pathetic. Your feelings are real and they cannot be ignored. I too was pretty bad at one time with my jealousy and possessiveness. I'm not completely cured, but I'm much, much better thanks to this site. The best help I've received here are from people who have been where you are and have bettered themselves, so here's my contribution.

 

The fact that you're here, you know for a fact that you're definitely (not maybe) going to drive your partner away. But picture him leaving you because of this. Not a pretty thought right? BUT what if you guys WERE to break up? What if he DID cheat on you? What if he DID leave you? Would it be the end of the world? No. Would it hurt? Of course it would, but would jealousy and possessiveness decrease the odds that he won't cheat on you? Nope, not at all. As for being upset if he looks at an attractive woman on the TV, so what if he DID find the woman on TV attractive. You can't translate him finding a woman attractive to he finds YOU less attractive because the woman on the TV is attractive. You following me?

 

You have to work on building your self-esteem, and you have to love yourself more than you love the relationship. You're more than likely a codependent and clearly you're too emotionally attached to your boyfriend and to the relationship. You have to work on your jealousy and you're going to have to mentally detach a little from the relationship. You have to work on getting rid of the fear of losing the relationship and losing the love of your partner. Try not to obsess over these thoughts; don't let your imagination get the best of you. Concentrate and work on being a better, more trusting girlfriend. Believe me, he'll love you more for

 

I recommend picking up the book "Overcoming Jealousy" and "Codependent No More". The first book helped me realize the thought process of the jealous mind and made logic of my jealous illogical thoughts (hope that makes sense). It helped me wake up and realize that my jealousy would push away the person I'm trying so hard to be over-protective of and protect, my girlfriend. It helped me to slow down my jealous thoughts and actions/re-actions, and helped me realize what my fears were based on, and I was able to see beyond my fears and beyond the possibility of losing my girlfriend and her possibly doing something to destroy my trust. The second book, helped me realize that all these jealous thoughts grew more and more from my codependency to my girl and the relationship.

 

I'm a totally different person then I was 5 months ago. I love and trust my girlfriend, I don't question her about things, and I don't obsess over what I think she's doing when I'm not around. I used to be at work thinking all day long, wondering who was she talking to, who was looking at her, who was trying to approach her. I learned to stop worrying about things I can't control, and I'm more at peace with myself. My girlfriend notices the change, and she loves me more for it and we couldn't be happier.

 

Remember, love yourself more than your relationship. Remember that your boyfriend chose to be with you, and he loves you. Trust him with all that you got, and work on your self-esteem and insecurities. I wish you luck, and please keep us updated with your progress.

[Kitty Gadol]

Mar....Thankyou for your advice. I know that I am being unfair, not just to myself, but also to my partner. I realise that my possessiveness and distrust is due to my low self esteem and lack of love I have for myself. This makes me think that I can't love my partner as much as I think I do. I don't know. I have tried to figure out how to find what makes me feel this way...but it's difficult. I feel so confused. We rarely go out together, but when we do, and he looks at someone else, I just see red...and I truly don't know why.

Netman...

Thankyou for your advice, and your private reply. When you have been in this situation, I guess you understand exactly where I am coming from. What Mar said may have been harsh, but I know it's right. I'm destroying the thing I want most. Totally irrational, but that's about it. My partner hasn't done anything to warrant my behaviour to this degree, but none-the-less, it's there.

I think I need to take a look at the books you mentioned, and start building up my self-esteem, and take things from there. I will keep you updated on how I'm doing, and thankyou for your support. It makes me feel better knowing there are people there to help me..

Love Kitty xx

[kuhl282000]

Been there and done that,and all I can say is what you are feeling is pretty normal. I have always beileved that feeling jealousy is a wonderful way of showing that you care about someone. It only gets out of hand if you let is and things esculate. I'm a guy and let me tell you all guys look at other women, it is very natural. As look as he only has eys and thoughts for you. Try not to worry so much, remember you cannot control another person no matter how hard you try. It only takes as little as 20 minutes to an hour to cheat on someone. You cannot be with him every second of the day. You are going to have to give the ball to him, and just trust.I know it is hard but you will know, you will see it and feel it in your heart. And that is all that matters. As long as he lands in your arms everynight, that is what counts.

 

Good Luck

Kuhl