I am feeling focused again after a breakup

[diverp]

I have left some posts on this site (more in the break up area) after my ex and I had broken up yet again. This whole last year has been a rollercoaster ride and we would be deeply in love and then go a few weeks and have an argument that would make us split for a while. We lived together for more than 9 months. We were fantastic and then a string of events happened and we got into that rut. If you are interrested in knowing the whole boring story, just look for my other posts. Anyways, we have not had any communication for over 3 weeks now. She told me before that in order to heal from her problems that we needed space and time. I took that as the "line" that most people think is standard for being dumped. I was very depressed and really wanted her back so badly. I am seeing a therapist. I am reading just about every book I can get my hands on about relationships and communication. Now that my mind is a little separated from our relationship, I am able to go back and look at wat was actually going on in ours. I noticed that in this last year I had gotten more distant and short with everyone in my life. I have realized the things that I did that helped split us up. She had her own share of issues, but I didn't help things on my side either. I can see now that I was a self absorbed individual who really has never been able to communicate with a significant other. I am passive aggressive and I am learning how to stop being that way. I am exercising like never before. I am dressing better. I look much much better. I am learning better communication skills with not just women, but everyone in general. I am learning to not justify my behavior, but ask myself why I feel bad or anger when I do. It really is working great. I am making myself confident and assertive again. I am really becoming the person I have always wanted to be but haven't had the guts to work towards. Our splitting up was the hardest thing I have ever had to do and the best thing for me. I still truly love my ex. And I know that from what we have had that we will again be together again. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind. I am becoming someone who (I think) is so much more attractive than anybody else my ex or anyone else I may go out with will come accross. I hit bottom before and I have sprung back with a vengence.

 

So why do I post this? Well, I mainly want to say that I am so thankful for this forum. It has been extremely helpful for me. I needed to have communication with others in the same boat. I also want to tell other people in the same boat that no matter how bad a breakup was, if you are willing to put your whole effort and life into making yourself a better and more attractive person, it is always possible to get your happiness and life back. Now as far as my ex goes, I am going to get her back. Whether it is in 3 months, or in 3 years, we will be back together when we are both ready (not just me). I have had communication with her and I know that she still has feelings for me and she is doing her own "transformation". There is always hope. Make yourself a better person and go at it full steam and there is nothing that is impossible. Actually, more avenues have opened for me lately that I never thought were there. Thanks all for your help. You are all great.

[vfunkera]

ur an inspiration 2 us all. i feel confident that i will also get what i want if i set my mind to it, especially if i adopt that kind of attitude.

[surfdog]

Great positive attitude! I'm in the SAME situation...I was with my ex for 4yrs and it was up and down...deep love but I had some issues (trust, insecurities and "comitment phobia"). Well after a few small break ups due to my overreacting, we finally had a big break up for almost 8 months with little contact (actually for the 4 of the 8 months we had no contact). We started seeing each other again after 8 months and after about 5 meetings with her I messed up (over reaction again)...she said that was the last straw...I was (still kind of) so down BUT I have the same attitude as you now. I was in therapy for my issues back when we were together and I read tons of books on relationships (webs sites too...anything I could get my hands on). I switched therapists recently, I have been going to the gym again, bought some new clothes (for an improved look), went to church and confession (hope ex forgives me for my overreactions and accusations). I feel as though I have matured (I'm 31 yo) A LOT emotionally! I feel good, when I think of my ex I think POSITVE and if she could only see the new me...I think so much more positve now and (She fell in love with the positve me she met at first then my issues slowly worked a wedge between us)...Now, I am the person she feel in love with again (the old positive me)...I feel we will be together again because of the love we shared together....we had a whole future planned together. I know I have a handle on my issues and I know I was wrong to act the way I did towards her...Keep up the positive attitude!!!!!!!!!!! WE CAN"T BE STOPPED AND WE WILL BE WITH THEM AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!

[surfdog]

Just to add on thing...we were together about 4yrs solid with a few small breakups, then 8 months off and then a few months of seeing each other...so it was over 4 yrs.......With a positive attitude you can't be beat. She is my soulmate.

[diverp]

That is fantastic! You know, your situation sounds exactly like mine. Me and my ex were so great together. We had planned so many things together. She wanted those things with me and I wanted those with her. She fell in love with the man I was when we met. I turned into someone I really didn't like (so why would she). Granted, she had some issure of her own, but I blamed her for way more things than she was responsible for. I have found so many things about myself that I turned into that I didn't like. I hit rock bottom about a few weeks ago and decided that I had a couple of ways to go. I could sit there and wallow in self pity and be someone that NOBODY would want to be around. Or, I could focus on bettering myself. Become the man that she fell in love with, AND MORE. I am learning what my bad habits were/are. It is sort of like being a recovering alcoholic, you are always fighting those tendencies. The most important thing is to find and admit to having those problems. Then, find situations where you can test your fixes.

 

Sirfdog, I am really wishing you well. YOu sound like you are on the perfect track. Keep it up and keep working on you. Give her a little time and go to her and put the attraction on full strength. I honestly believe that if we become what we were when they fell in love with us, improve even further so that we are really happy with ourselves and then go back, things will go great. The love is there, it is a matter of making yourself better for you and for her. Give it time, and when the time is right for both of you, go for it. Good luck Sufdog.

[wolfy1818]

Hey man, thanks for the totally inspirational posting. To start a thread just to basically tell us all that there is life after the "love of your life" is incredible. I am probably about 2 days from going through a breakup with a girl I love more than anything, dispite the face that she treats me horribly, I sitll love her ya know?

 

Well after reading your post I decided to not look at this as a door closing on me and wallowing in self pitty, but to look at it as a door opening and a whole load of new possabilities opening up for me. I am going to better my life, go to the gym more, get a job I like, move out of my parents house, and basically distance myself from the negative people in my life over all. Thanks buddy, I appreciate you sharing your thoughts on what you are going through.

 

I am not going to go after my girlfriend after we break up seeing how she treated me so horribly but since your situation doesn't seem the same in that respect and you are so sure you want to be with her and can be happy with her then I wish you the best. Go get her when the time is right buddy! Until then work on yourself FOR yourself. Gods' Speed my Friend.

 

Your inspired buddy,

-John

[diverp]

That is great man. I love to hear when someone is feeling better. I know I felt like complete crap for a while. YOu have to go through that in order to realize what is important in life. Like the old saying goes, you have to hit rock bottom in order to see the way out. In your case, you have a girlfriend that was not treating you right. You see that. You are going to improve yourself. That is exactly what you should do. It is great. I am going on a couple weeks now of feeling absolutely fantastic and envigorated. Everything else in life feels good now. I recently read a really good book on relationships. It had an exercise to go through that start understanding what you and your significant other would do and what the other would see. One person does something, and the other person will often see a distorted view of that action and possibly act negatively on that. The exercise was to sit down and write down a time you remember having an "encounter" or argument or whatever with your ex. Start from the beginning of the encounter. Take your ex's point of view first, write down what YOU THINK she was thinking when something happened (a conversation, etc.) The point is to get into her mind, to understand her. I found that when I did this, the few times I have tried so far, I was totally insensative and really should have handled things differently. I just didn't see things the way they really were at the time. I was shallow and only saw thing the way I wanted to see them. I then figured out what I would need to do differently in the situation now. I really like this. It is showing me what I was doing wrong. I have started to become a more caring person. This, along with bettering the rest of my life, will pay dividends. I'll let you know how it goes with my ex when we get back together.

 

Keep working on yourself for yourself. I never realized how crappy I actually treated myself before. No wonder a relationship was so difficult before. Keep it up man. I love to hear when someone is starting to enjoy life after a breakup as it is not an easy thing to get past. Keep it up man.