Is he coming back to me?

[nycpetit]

I wrote here a few weeks ago...so sort of long winded to go through it all again. I guess in a sense my ex and I never really became an ex...it is sort of confusing. He left for a new job about six weeks ago that is two hours drive/train away from our apartment. I have taken on full rental resp. for this place, and he has one out there. He couldn't continue with the job he had here, so that was one reason for leaving..but then he also was having problems deciding what he wanted with us..we were engaged and living together for almost two years. He had major financial problems and I got sick (chronic kidney problems) so we each had issues that were hard.

 

In any case...he was to take the job, and we were going to still see one another on weekends, and perhaps have me move out there in Jan. if he was happy with the new job. But after he left...he wanted a break..time and space to clear his head and focus on the new job. He came back after a month..and stood me up for a dinner date..then showed up later that night. completely drunk..and telling me that he had been nervous about seeing me again..afraid we would rehash all the old stuff over again, and yet that he missed me terribly, felt safe with me..and missed that feeling..and that he loves me greatly. So we talked some the next day (after he sort of recovered post hangover) and then we talked that week. He asked me to come out for four days..so I did...and we had a nice time.

 

So now he is coming here this weekend...but I wonder..what is going on really? Can something good come of this..or for how long will it seem sort of non-commital? He is already talking about coming back to the city permanently at some point, or having me come to live there..but it's hard..we were engaged...and I don't see that he is really at that point yet. Any advice? I guess I am wondering if we ever did break up...or what the heck is going on?

 

thanks for reading anyway

Natalie

[russia]

with his current job insecurity (since he anticipates returning to the city) he's not going to be in the right frame of mind for an engagement, much less a wedding. you will have to wait a long time. or else just live with him without expectation.

 

even if you do so, you have to consider getting a job in the other location, cos it doesn't make sense to commute 2 hours each way a day. he certainly won't think it's causing you hardship, cos he's the one in pain now (yeah, he's a selfish pig)

 

your past bad times have obviously strained your relationship. he loves you but has not been putting in the necessary effort to relate to you. otherwise, the bad times grow less with time, not more. maybe the fault is yours too. couples need to work on communication, and not just crisis management. i am glad you had a chance to seriously talk through after he recovered from his drinking (something to worry about here. he uses alcohol as a crutch. not good) and while you were over at his place, did you have a sense of belonging? did he make you feel you belong there, belong to him? if you did, then go with your feelings.

[nycpetit]

I don't know exactly what my feelings are..that is the problem. I guess I felt that I belonged when i was there..I mean there was nothing I felt I wasn't allowed to do..it is a rental though..not really his space either..not his furniture and not his house. But I realize that when I am apart from him..the doubtful things he has said to me just reverberate..and it makes me sometimes mad at myself that we are where we are right now. Because I know that I want more than he is giving...that I want what was and and not what is.

 

I don't know that he will be ready for engagement anytime soon again. It is odd...we never really said that we weren't. Nothing has ever really been defined one way or the other. I just know that he hasn't honestly been there for me in a long time..and not consistently when he was. I feel that perhaps in observing his commitment to me before, when he was sure he wanted us, that now is really just sort of half-assed...and that engagement would likely not have taken place the first time except that he felt compelled (perhaps) to ask since we were living together at that point and he had always said it was what he wanted for us. But financially he wasn't ready then either, and is no closer now.

 

It is hard because one part of me says that we need to grow through this time together now in order to know what is next. He keeps saying he wants the pieces to fall where they will on their own naturally..and not because we are living together. And that he wants things to have a chance to blossom because of what he does feel for me. But it is hard on the other hand because I feel we already went down that road...why are we starting over again???

 

arg

Natalie

[russia]

dear natalie,

 

if you think you have moved on but he hasn't, then there's no sense of belonging. belonging means you move together. it's not a location thing, it's not a physical thing. it's relational

 

it's not how emotionally mature you are, but accepting each other and feeling secure in each other's love and companionship

 

if you are resentful of his lack of forward movement in the relationship, please reconsider your future with him very carefully. you can't really change him. you can only change yourself, your attitudes. and when you do that to suit him, will you like yourself still?