What should I do? HELP!!!!

[Ineedamiracle]

I met my now ex 4 years ago and we fell in love. Neither of us had been in a long term relationship b4. We were both in our early twenties. We went out together for about a year. I know though that he loved me more than he had ever loved anyone else. He did some really amazing things for me. He found it hard though getting used to being around my child and my son made things difficult for a time. Ex is not very good at dealing with things head on. Anyway, his thing was to go away at the end of every year for 3 weeks with his mates. I felt hurt that he didnt want me to go so about 2 weeks b4 I told him over phone that obviously his friends were more important and hung up on him. I went and saw him a week later on Xmas eve and he told me that it was over. He told me that it was mostly to do with my son. It was hard to extract this info from him. He told me he didnt love me anymore.

I left and I pretty much left him alone. 7 weeks later Im out and he sends me a sms saying he cant stop thinking about me. I caught up with him and we eventually got back together. He said that he had not tried hard enough and that he did love me. 11 months later his parents sold their house and moved away, so he wanted to live with me and my brother and my son, so we did. I found it hard to get used to, I loved him more and more but I found it hard to trust that he wasnt going to dump me again and I wasnt ready to change our relationships. However he grew so much as a person. He took on responsibilities gradually and our friendship grew stronger. A year later a mate of his returned from overseas. Friend is really charming and persuasive. He hung around like a bad smell and was always taking over. Friend would come and see me sometimes when ex wasnt home and his g/friend was overseas still and I wasnt sure if he was trying to crack on to me or not. I let him know though that I loved my relationship. I asked ex to help me out with something urgent and he said he couldnt coz he was helping his friend. I told him that I was annoyed and that I was going to stay elsewhere for a few days. I changed my mind but he stayed at his mates house for the next few nights and when he came home we broke up. Was a big shock coz other than our disagreement nothing had changed, if anything we had been getting along really well. He couldnt give me a reason for wanting out other than saying that he couldnt handle domestic responsibilities!!?? He left and 2 weeks later he came and got some of his stuff with his mate whom he moved in with. My son ended up in intensive care and while we were in hospital he came back and grabbed the rest of his stuff. We spoke on the phone once about money etc but that was about it. He left me up to my eyeballs in bills etc but Ive got some car parts of his that are worth a few $. I took out a loan to consolidate bills. I got in contact with him a few months later to try and settle monies owed for car parts and he was nice but evasive. When I followed it up a few weeks later he put a little money into my account but 8 months later Ive still got some of his things that he treasures plus his car parts. He believes that I wouldnt sell them so he knows that they will be just sitting here. His other best mate told my friend that ex refuses to close things. Another time his friend asked my friend if I still loved my ex. There isnt anyone else and he doesnt go out much. I sent him a message telling him that I heard rumours about the company he works for and was everything ok with work. No reply. Im sooo not over him. Ive got lots of fantastic new friends, a new business, new car, great housemate and Ive got great guys interested in me. But 8 months later ex still has my heart. I dont have closure. I dont know exactly that I want to be in a relationship again, but I only want ex. Why wont he finalise things? Hes doing up a car and these car parts I have of his need to be collected b4 he can do anymore to it.

What now?

[crookster_man]

People have a hard time letting go. I'm sure you are aware of that. IT sounds like you are stuck in limbo. You are standing at a crossroads. One leads away from your old life, your EX. The other back to him. You can't decide which road to take. Both have their pros and cons.

 

If you move on you can create your own closure. This is what you will have to do. You will need to get rid of his stuff, it's haunting you. You don't have to sell it you could give it to a friend for safekeeping or put it in a warehouse. You will have to focus on the important things in your life, your child, your security, your friends and most importantly YOU. This will be a hard path to take but one of self discovery, growth and it will free you of this limbo.

 

If you decide to get back together with him then you will have to focus your energies to making that happen. You will have to forgive him for the pain he as caused you. You will have to let go of the feelings of anger and resentment you maybe harbour. You will have to openly make moves towards him. You will have to do the work to show him that you want to work it out and that you are willing to make sacrifices. You both should attend some sort of relationship counselling to figure out better ways to communicate and open up to each other. This will also be a very difficult road one that will lead to growth and also free you from this limbo you are in. You will have to put the past in the past and leave it there. This path of action would only work if he is willing and able o take part in it however.

 

Both paths have pros and cons. You will have to weigh them out and decide. Right now you are stagnating. You are standing still afraid to make a choice, hoping someone or something will come along and save you from making this choice. Well, it isn't going to happen do you really want to be saved? Take charge of your life. You stand still because of fear. Fear of the unknown and fear of making the wrong choice.

 

The only thing that can defeat fear is facing it. I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decided to do. Remember, you are not alone. We will be here for you.

[Ineedamiracle]

thanks for your thoughts. I suppose what lead me to share that was I dont know what action to take now. I do want to know whether he still loves me or not. Inaction is no longer an option. I dont know how to go about getting my answers from him while keeping my pride.

[crookster_man]

Well you have to decide what is more important your pride or your sanity. No one can tell you the right course of action. You, and you alone will have to make that choice. All we can do here is provide illumination on your path, perhaps give you a new perspective.

 

Does it really matter if he is in love with you? I'm sure he still loves you but still IN love? I couldn't tell you. Quite frankly you should be asking yourself that question. Are you still IN love with him or just love him. Know what I mean?

 

If you still feel that you are IN love with him, then the threat of a wounded pride shouldn't worry you….