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help with a poem


Goincrazy
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ONE OF A KIND

 

I see a variety of colorful flowers scattered in a valley.

So vast, this valley appears to go on forever.

Many beautiful dandelions, tulips, and poppies.

All these flowers look undisturbed and untouched.

 

One flower in particular catches my eye.

This flower is different from the others for it is a rose.

How can this be the only rose?

I bend down and caress the petals of the flower with my hand.

 

This flower is so soft.

It gives off a sweet aroma that delights my senses.

As I sit and admire it's beauty,

It reminds me of a girl so dear to me.

 

This rose is so sweet and special just like the girl I'm thinking of.

This rose is colored bright red, which reminds me of the girl's face every time she would blush.

This rose is so full of life and more beautiful than any of the other flowers.

The only thing that matches it's beauty is the girl I am thinking of.

 

As I think these deep thoughts,

I come to the realization that the girl I love and the rose are not very different.

They both are so beautiful

And without a doubt, one of a kind….

 

Now honestly, does this poem have potential or does it totally suck. I can sorta write poems but I'm new to writing poems that don't rhyme and If anyone has any suggestions to make it better that would be great thanks!

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I would certainly say it has a great deal of potential but it just seems to lack a good flow (in my opinion). None of the lines hold the same amount of syllablbles as others that appear in the same stanza (Verse? i can't recall). A poem should roll right off your toungue and it has a certain quality similar to a song. A poem is like a song in the sense that it is meant to be spoken (although usually is not, except from in your mind). You'll notice in music the line in one verse won't usually be particularly longer in th way its pronounced and this is important in poetry. You would do well i think to try and get some of the lines to match up with eachother in terms of how they are pronounced when read. But these are just aspects of the form (some of which I find appealing as a whole but sometimes the parts don't have as good a srtucture), no always as important as concept and word choice and such. Whihc is excellent though word choice could be altered to not use words that are so commonplace, or at least use them in a way that are not as similar to the kind of language you use when talking.

 

This is just drawing fomr the little I know from poetry and what not and I'm not really a poet but I'm confident to say I'm a good songwriter and I feel that both mediums are similar in some levels. At any rate I like it and it could be great if you keep working with it. After poetry is an art form like any other and practice makes perfect, and the one thing i've learned the best in art school is that no piece is ever finished on the first try.

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Hey Goincrazy,

 

You are doing well. Don't lose hope yah?

 

What would make your poem even better, is to cut down on the length of some of the sentences. Poems with too long a line can disrupt the flow and rhythm of the phrases.

 

Go with your heart when writing, you won't go far wrong.

 

Cheers.

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  • 2 weeks later...

This is another poem of mine that's a little out there and there are a few sentences that I know are too long and mess up the flow so any suggestions would be greatly appreciated thanks!

 

MEDIEVAL

 

I've traveled far and wide

accross tall hills and lakes

In search of a beautiful princess

To whose hand I wish to take. (in marriage - not sure if that is the best sentence)

 

This journey greatly testing

My courage and my might

Nothing shall impede me

For I am a determined knight.

 

Once my presense is sensed

All those around me flee

Screaming, running, and begging for mercy

None daring enough to challenge me.

 

As I parade around with enormous arrogance

I spot a girl on top of a cliff

With long flowing hair and an angelic smile

Suddenly my body becomes stiff.

 

Who is this mysterious girl

That stands out from the rest?

I think I have found the one

I now have completed my quest.

 

There's no damsel fairer

None are even worthy enough to compare

Her immeasurable beauty

Is the reason I can't help but stare.

 

I am practically invincible

And unstoppable with my lance

My one and only weakness

Is her power to hypnotize me with just one glance.

 

I'll be her knight in shining armor,

I'll be her gallant protector,

I'll give her all I have to offer

Just to be with her forever….

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