is this normal?

[paleoman]

It has been 6 months since my break-up, we had a brief couple of encounters in mid August but she still said she was unable to be with me. Well I took all this very hard, took off to Mexico for part of the summer, was essentially running away. the whole time she was all I thought about. This girl was an emotional mess and treated me like hell sometimes. She was addicting for some reason. I had to walk on eggshells around her, everyone around me knew I was unhappy but I couldn't tell. So now months have passed and my close friend set me up with a friend of his current gf. We hit it off immediately. We are both attracted to each other and get along great. We have been spending a lot of time with each other in the last two weeks. she herself is going through something similar to me so we have been totally honest and neither of us has any expectations as to what will happen. But this is what I don't understand. why am I so depressed still about the last relationship? This new girl may honestly be the sweetest most honest person I have ever met. She listens to everything I say and nothing shocks her. Comparing her to my ex is like night and day, I honestly didn't think there were girls out there like this. I found out recently my ex is seeing someone new and I think it is hurting me more then I realize. But how do I stop comparing them and just be happy that I am starting a new friendship and have met someone great that complements me?

[Princess777]

Hello,

Wow you've had a hard time with this....I can almost feel your frustration from the way you write. I can understand where you're coming from. Obviously the reason why you still think about your ex and do the comparison thing is because you still care for her, and most likely are still in love with her. Don't try to deny it if you are, there's nothing wrong with you. If there was a switch we could just flip and not care about someone anymore, the inventor of that would be a billionaire! Your new relationship is a rebound relationship, only because you are still consumed by thoughts of your ex. When and if you can wake up and go to bed without thinking of her for an extended period of time, you'll be officially over her. When you can look at something in your house and not think of a connection to her in any way, you'll be over her. I know it is comforting to have someone new in your life, and I think you are approaching it in a very mature manner, by being honest and upfront with her. However, be careful about pouring your whole heart out on a plate for her.... it may be tempting but restrain yourself somewhat.... she may end up being someone you'd like to have a future with and if you lay all your cards out on the table at once, there are many things that could backfire on you later. i.e. if you tell her what you are looking for in a girl, etc. Because if you reveal these things too early in a relationship, a lot of people try to mirror what you want just to impress you and then later tire of being someone they're not, hence a breakup because of pressure.... does that make sense? I've seen it happen many many times. I hope you work out your feelings.... be true to yourself.

Princess777

[paleoman]

Thanks for writing, yes it has been severely frustrating. She is the type of person that wouldn't give me definitive answers. I guess I will never truly understand her reasoning (it's a long story). We just spoke over the weekend and she was being very nice and very inquisitive about my life and my family. She even got a bit nostalgic about thanksgiving last year. Then she mentioned how it is hard to let go of the friendship. I questioned her and she admitted she is seeing someone, but she shut up after that when I pried and started being nasty. she then ended the conversation saying we will talk, maybe not tomorrow or the next day but we will talk. How do you like that? She is something else. She has the nerve to say that after she tells me she is seeing someone else. I am not in love with her anymore, it's more anger then anything else. I actually am starting to realize how lucky I probably am for not staying with her. I used to always tell myself, I will never be able to marry this girl. Anyways, I am just so confused as to why this new girl is not easing my crazy thoughts at all. Maybe because it was so easy?? she is baking a pie for me tomorrow, a freaking pie!! Such a sweet girl but part of me is worried I will end up hurting her which is something I don't want to do.

[Princess777]

paleoman,

 

Hey, I know what you mean, she is automatically assuming that she can control whether or not you speak with her. That was a very rude thing to say, and someone wouldn't say that unless they really think they could walk all over you and you would just say, "Now please run over me with your car?"..... I am SO GLAD you are happy that you are not with her, and that you realized you are better off without her. She sounds like a player. I had a guy do the exact same stiff to me, he had me thinking he really gave a crap about me, my life and my kid. He basically tried to be someone he wasn't just to make me think he was the greatest thing since sliced bread and I fell for it, even though he was the biggest fake I've ever met! I basically worshipped the guy until I got my head on straight, and when I told him to pretend we never met, he got mad at me and yelled and everything, even though he had someone else on the side. People like him and your ex, I think, are insecure and need to feel superior to others by their "ruling" behavior. Telling you when you will both talk is not respecting you at all. I remember that guy I knew saying stuff like, "Someday we'll be together...." and "I do love you but it's not the right time..." and he always asked me tons and tons of questions. I hope I was mistaken when I thought you were still in love with her.... it just sounded like you were. You might still be but you don't want to be... I know that feeling too. You hate her but you want acceptance at the same time, and you're probably trying to figure out what the other guy's got that you don't, and why she'd pick him over you. I pounded my head against the wall for over a year with that stupid guy before I'd had enough! I'm glad you're seeing the light.

As for your question about why the new girl isn't "fixing" everything, I'd say it's probably because she's a pretty sweet girl who's hurting right now just like you are and she's probably reaching out for attention and understanding and when 2 people get together like that, it's kind of a misery loves company thing.... you may be depressing each other in a subconscious way by hearing each other's problems. Try talking about positive things and not about your ex's..... Another reason she might not be tripping your trigger like you'd want her to, is because she might not be exactly what you're looking for, but she's the only one available right now... do you think either of those might be it? Are you seeing her just for the idea of seeing someone, or do you genuinely care for her and about her well-being? Ask yourself those questions and maybe that will help. I really think your anger over your ex is preventing you from enjoying any new relationships (hence the comparing thing)... Good luck!

Princess777

[Mar]

Well, my basic thought on this would be that, if you can't give yourself 100% to this new girl, without reservation, without feeling any negatives like guilt over thinking of your ex, etc....then you're not wholly giving yourself to this relationship because you're not over the ex yet.

 

I would also have to ask why you're still in contact with her...if you don't get along and turn nasty so frequently, (both of you, not just you) then why the continued contact? You're never going to resolve your feelings for her if you keep talking to her, because you'll keep thinking there might still be something there, or old hurts will keep coming up.

 

You said yourself you're not in love with her anymore, you're just angry at her. Well, then why talk to her? If you don't have that reminder frequently of how she treats you like dirt, you'll get over her faster. Not to mention you can't face this new girl with any real positives until this is resolved.

 

Either cut off contact with the ex and concentrate on this great new girl, or let the new one go, because right now, you're not being fair to her if you can't give her all of yourself. I'm not saying you have to hand over your heart on a silver platter, but I just think it's better to be alone and heal rather than jump into a relationship and stick with it just because you THINK you're ready for it. Good luck, I sincerely hope you can get this straight in your head, I know how it feels!

 

Mar